Stuff
Hello everyone!
My (F38) partner (M48) and I have been in a really lovely exclusive relationship for over a year. One of the best parts of the relationship is our ability to handle the little conflicts and issues that come up along the way, the “business of life” if you will. We both speak to each other respectfully, are open minded and willing (and wanting) to hear the other’s perspective. We are good at compromising and share a really wonderful balance of personal independence and building healthy interdependence. It really has been lovely.
In the grand scheme of things, I recognize that this is a very very minor issue. However I am hoping for some perspective on how to proceed. I am good at letting little things go, and this is a minor thing. However, I’m feeling a bit hurt. And when I feel hurt, I pay attention.
Several months ago my partner asked me if I wanted to join a trivia night that is hosted as a fundraiser at his gym. He has a great community at this gym, amongst the folks he shares a sport with. Some of these folks I have already met, and some I haven’t and we were both looking forward to both the event and getting to meet his friends I haven’t yet. All of this has been solidified for a little over a month.
Today after he came back home after a workout, he told me that apparently the wires were crossed and his friend who is organizing the event didn’t include me at the table (even though he paid for both of us). She refunded him the money and told him to apologize to me for the mix up. I asked him if he was still planning on going and he told me yes.
He had to leave for the day so we haven’t had time to really discuss it yet, but I am hurt and told him so. I’m genuinely an understanding person, and I know that there are mix ups, stuff happens, life happens… but I have been looking forward to this for a while (we both have) and for it to just not be happening because of a mix up and him still planning on going makes me feel… sad.
Any advice on how to approach this? I want to be respectful to my own feelings, but also not turn a mountain in to a mole hill or make him feel guilty if he wants to go to this event (he goes every year).
TL;DR
There was a mix up and I don’t have a ticket for an event my partner and I were attending together. He is still attending, and I feel bad but don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill and want advice on how to approach it.
Comments
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His friend was given the money for your ticket. She is only now saying that there isn’t space for you at the table.
You need to point out to your partner that his friend has actually chosen SOMEONE ELSE to have your place at the table. He needs to straight up ask her who the other people at the table are, and tell her that he will check with each of them when they booked and paid for their tickets.
My bet is that she just started seeing someone who didn’t have a ticket, or she’s invited one of her friends.
It’s valid to feel hurt you were looking forward to this shared experience. Just say: ‘I’m disappointed but understand the mix-up. Could we find a way to attend together, or plan something special another night?
If not, his willingness to acknowledge your feelings will tell you a lot. Small slights can reveal bigger patterns.
It sounds like he didn’t do anything wrong, these are his friends and it’s an event he goes to every year. In fact, he did everything right – he told you about it, bought a ticket for you.
How the mixup occured I don’t know – was it a must, miscommunication? Did the organizer do this on purpose? Etc. we have no way of knowing.
Let it go, let him go and have fun. Since GF has a friend group that you’ve partly met, why not organize a BBQ or game night at your house do you can meet everyone?
Things get mixed up sometimes, don’t sweat it, it really is a molehill
I think you’re allowed to have the feelings you have, and I believe you should be able to express those feelings in a healthy way, to your partner. It really shouldn’t turn into a fight if he’s compassionate and you’re not accusatory. Just say “Hey, I feel this and this and this, I’m trying to move past it, but I feel comfortable letting you know where i’m at so I CAN get past it.”
Then go from there. Just don’t go into it with preconceived notions.. This can remain a minor thing, if you two can communicate in a healthy and productive manner.
Yeah the problem is we were excited about this for a long time. And when he told me this morning it was just “oh so sorry about it.” Not offering to also not go and we could make other plans with our precious weekend time. We both have been so busy and were looking forward to some fun that didn’t require effort from us.
Also, I should have put this in the original post, but the friend’s excuse was she was unsure about the timing of some travel plans we had… but that doesn’t make sense because we were always signed up for this as a duo and would be traveling together therefore BOTH missing the event. I’m just confused about the whole thing and feeling hurt.
In your partner’s shoes I would be making a serious fuss about this. He booked 2 spaces, paid for them, if the organiser messed up, it’s on her to rectify it. Just handing the money back with an apology isn’t good enough.
I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill. Unless the organizer that refunded the money has a thing for him, which you don’t mention and I’m positive you would have if that were the case, it was a simple mistake. You don’t work out there it sounds like so setting the seating chart you were left off. Does it suck, sure. Is it worth all this, not really. You’re bummed but what do you expect him to do, not go? Feel guilty? You don’t want him to feel guilty yet here you are wanting him to not go. He goes every year but there was a mix up and you want him to stay home with you. It’s like if you can’t go he shouldn’t either and I feel that’s unfair because it’s not his fault
The issue here isn’t that your bf’s friend screwed up. The issue is that your bf didn’t ask for two refunds instead of just one. If you always planned to attend as a duo, why does your bf want to go without you? Are you sure he bought you a ticket in the first place?
Mix ups DO happen. But OP is the one being left out because of it. That’s why she’s asking for advice. Because it’s clearly upsetting for her and she paid for her seat over a month ago.
I already replied saying that I don’t think that this was actually a mix up. I have another suggestion.
Tell your boyfriend to give his friend the money back for your ticket because you still want to attend and support the fundraiser, so you are happy to sit at another table and make new friends. See what the response is to this.