This is sort of an odd issue, but hear me out:
My mom is one of the most wonderful people I know- truly! She gives tons to charity, volunteers, would do anything for friends and family, and is truly just a good person.
The issue I have is that over the last few years, she’s kind of lost her filter/stopped caring somehow and is CONSTANTLY commenting on other people’s bodies during our conversations with one another.
It’s not cognitive decline or anything like that- she’s sharp as a tack and doesn’t do it in the company of others.
Not mean comments- just…comments? Observations?
For example, if I show her a picture of someone I know, she just has to make some sort of comment like “wow, she’s really pretty, but her boobs are hanging out in that dress!”
The worst is people on tv- wow, she has a really big butt, etc.
I don’t notice things like that, and even if I did, I don’t feel like it’s an appropriate topic of conversation.
I could go on and on, but you get the general impression.
I would just rather not comment on anyone’s body- good or bad, but I don’t quite know what to say.
The last time she made a comment about someone’s nose, I said something like “gee Mom, are you moonlighting as a plastic surgeon now?” And she got kind of defensive.
Help!!! Is it just her? Is this a generational thing?
Comments
I think this is a generational thing. I’ve noticed it as well
I would give a long, shocked pause then “Did…you mean to say that out loud?” Whatever she says next just go “Oh.” and say no more on the subject. Let her reflect on it later.
This doesn’t have to be mean btw – you can reliever both lines smiling.
You don’t have to say anything. You can just remain quiet or pause for a moment and then be like “Anyway” and change the subject.
My mom does this too. Maybe it is a generational thing. More specifically she is always commenting on things people shouldn’t be wearing because of their body type 🙄 I just ignore it/refuse to comment when she says stuff like that and change the subject. Still sucks though.
My mom does the same thing. Not with everyone, but she will often remark on someone who is very overweight, people who have a lot of piercings or tattoos (especially women) or people with unorthodox clothing choices
My sister and I have sometimes called her out on it, not always. But I do think she does it less now than she used to.
We never make a big deal or an argument out of it. Just ask her along the lines of “Why should this person care what you think about their look?” “She’s not dressing for you.” etc.
Omg my MIL cannot tell a story without sharing the weight or size of the person she’s talking about, the mailman, her third grade teacher, whatever. Agree with the generational thing but it is weirdly jarring whenever I hear it
My mom has done this for forever. It’s so irritating
My mom started doing this more as she got older too. Her brain is sharp as a tack, I think observing people has just become her hobby, and she doesn’t say it loudly enough for anyone but me to hear so she thinks it’s ok. I told her honestly that it hurts my self-esteem a bit and she calmed down on it a little anyway.
Yup.
I find it horrible because you know that’s the tape that’s playing about themselves. Imagine being that shitty to yourself constantly.
Honestly, my mom is just incredibly emotionally immature in general. She’s sweet and tries, but then this stuff happens and I just notice how she never grew into herself.
My mom also does this. She is 75 and has been focused on weight loss and fad diets her entire life. My mom has no redeeming qualities like your mom, though. So at least you have that!
Not my mom, but my mother in law. She’s always been like that. She’s incredibly preoccupied by people’s body and weight. Like she could be talking about a family friend and the conversation will go like this.
“John Doe just won a Nobel Prize! Isn’t that great? Oh, but you know he’s gained a lot of weight.”
She does it with everyone. Gender and age don’t matter. If you ask how so and so is doing, she’ll talk about their work, their family, and their appearance. If they gained or lost weight, you will absolutely hear about it.
My mom has a similar issue. One day I just snapped at her and told her she shouldn’t comment on something someone can’t change within 5 minutes and she seemed receptive. Now when she makes comments on other people’s bodies she qualifies it first with something like “I know I’m not supposed to say this but…” So idk if they’re willing to change even when presented “new” information like hey maybe it’s not nice to comment on that lol
“mom, I’ve realized it makes me uncomfortable to talk/hear about other people’s bodies. It’s not a healthy mindset for me and I appreciate your support in not talking about it.’
Any time she brings it up, “I don’t want to talk about other people’s bodies.”. If she can’t stop, end the conversation after reminding her of the boundary.
Truly think it’s generational, because alllll the methods I tried led to either being gaslit into thinking I’m being oversensitive or it’s just conflict. Not sure what it is that makes that generation forget about their inside voices. It’s healthier for you to just ignore it and really give it zero energy.
Yeah, that’s a pet peeve of mine, too.
My mum says things like this sometimes too, like “she should not be wearing that” and I always say “I would love to have that confidence, power to her” and she doesn’t reply lol
I think it’s the messages they heard seeping out
It’s a generational thing and also (sometimes) a jealousy thing. I have women in my life (50+ women) who tend to do this. I usually say something snarky back that lets them know those comments are ignorant or unnecessary, or I’ll over compliment and ignore their previous comments (both work effectively, tbh). There’s nothing you can do to stop or change the behaviour. It’s unfortunately very common.
My mom does this so much that she wouldn’t be the same person if she stopped. It’s sad.
Definitely a generation thing… it sometimes sneaks in to my mouth!!! My daughter 12 is a walking talking reminder to just shut the f up.
I can see how it happens for me, because I’m only saying ‘nice’ things… I think because I hated people saying the ‘mean’ things so much I’m doing the ‘reverse’… but really it’s the same thing as them, ‘judging’ 🙁
Any time I spend time with my MIL and her friends I see how truely horrendous it is… just a constant stream of judgement. It’s a difficult mind set to get out of… especially when really it’s just about yourself and judging yourself and how you ‘compare’… pretty depressing and toxic.
I call my mom out on it.
Every.
Single.
Time.
I don’t care that she’s close to 70. I don’t care that it’s a generational thing. It’s rude, inappropriate, oftentimes hurtful, and it makes me uncomfortable.
Mom and I walk a very, very fine line of no contact vs. low contact, and I have no problem going no contact if it protects my peace.
Most people who say stuff like that are extremely insecure and self-projecting. I have a mother who’s made comments like that towards me my entire life, but she largely stopped after I started returning her the favor.
I have the same problem but with my father. He constantly comments on people’s bodies. It drives me nuts. He knows I don’t like those comments but he does them anyway.
It’s generational. They had a strong “mind your own business” attitude when it came things that actually mattered, and that people SHOULD be nosy about. But the things they actually should be minding their business about, they want to stick their nose in. It’s why there’s a stereotype of nosy neighbors, of people peeking through their blinds to see what you’re up to. It’s also why older folks always seem worried about what other people think, but mostly when it comes to harmless things or appearances.
My theory is it’s a remnant of “see something, say something”.
This was one of the reasons I cut contact with my mother. I had endo surgery and instead of giving me any support she kept talking about her neighbor who was fat and had endo…
I had my bowels attached everywhere and need to have a resection on my second surgery. I was afraid of needing an ostomy but she kept talking about this woman I don’t know. It wasn’t even the first time and I had already told her that I wasn’t accepting this. I didn’t even tell her about my fear.
I realized that problem was me still expecting any kind of empathy of affection and recognized the years of abuse. Now there’s no way in hell I’d talk to her again. I’m planning to move anywhere in the world and never seeing my family again.
I noticed that from men and women from generation.
My mom always makes a comment about anyone.
I know men from that generation always talk about women’s looks. Oh this pretty but chubby woman.
My mother loves to send me photos of acquaintances with texts like “Look how old-looking she’s gotten!” “Someone gained her freshmen 15.” “Her gums show too much when she smiles.” Almost always about women, unless a man looks truly unusual in some way.
I had an older friend (closer to my mom’s age than mine) who did this so much that I ended the friendship. It just got to be too much.
I concur with other commenters. This is definitely a generational thing. It drives me crazy, too.
I see where you’re coming from but….aint nobody ever passed on a chance to comment on some nice cheeks and boobies. Just saying. Maybe mom just respects the features
My mom does this. The general comments about random people behind their backs don’t bother me so much, but she also feels like she needs to comment about me and my siblings weight, and then gets extremely defensive when we tell her we don’t want to hear it. She seems to think that weight gain is something that can just “sneak up” on a person and they might not realize it unless she says something. As if we wouldn’t realize that we’ve gained weight when our clothes start fitting tighter.
She’s another one who has battled self esteem issues and diet culture her whole life, and considers herself overweight, and deeply and truly believes that weight gain is the worst possible thing that can happen to a human being and that the correct response to weight gain is shame and self hatred. She thinks she’s saving us from a lifetime of despair and depression if she can save us from gaining weight.
i think its generational, both of my parents did this all the time. my dad passed and my mom at the very least just doesn’t do it around me anymore.