Hi,
This is my first ever reddit post.
Here is a social background context (optional if no time to read, can skip to the asterisk below. sorry its long):
[I am a 33 y.oF fully functional adult, in Canada. My mom is an asian immigrant housewife and my father still works but close to retirement, and I am born here with my autistic younger brother.
Me and my Mom get along very well personality wise since I was young and have similar hobbies (playing games mainly). and have been living together for a long time.
since a decade ago, my mom starts to be more socially isolating herself, not wanting to interact anymore with family (on my father’s side) and friends, only limiting contact with her only two sisters living in the same city, and the close family, as in my brother, father and myself. she stated before, the only thing keeping her interested in continuing to live is me and my brother. she stopped loving my dad, and even hating him, blaming him for not listening to her needs, that he is selfish, always prioritizes other people in the religious community compared to the close family. my dad has always been more socially active, and that’s what makes him happy, and he knows my mom is happy with just her children (has always been more attentive towards her children than him). she would throw “tantrums” occasionally when it involves decisions , lifestyle choices my dad makes , until she stopped caring (for him). she has a family doctor who knows her behaviour, thinks she has a depression, but does no formal diagnosis , since my mom is not interested to get treated, she is rather stable occupies herself by gardening, playing games, still bathes maybe once or twice a week, answers my calls (and her sisters’), once a while answers some friends’s calls, does groceries, “looks happy.”
anyways, I have always been a well behaving child (no crazy partying, no drugs/smoking/alcohol, finding a good job etc) and this is partly because I don’t want to upset her and I believe she gives me advices and life lessons for my own benefit and health, and I am not the social type, I enjoy my time alone and have my own place to live (I am a happy single). I don’t feel control from her like I see with some in my surrounding. I love and appreciate her love, have always thanked her whenever she gives me meals (we live close to each other). we meet each other at least once a week and talk daily on the phone. I bring her for travels too (although I would travel with friends as well on other trips).
but in our life, whenever I want to make a big decision that she feels is wrong, she would throw a “fit/ tantrum” which felt to me manipulative. first one was when I considered being a teacher for Japanese children for a year through the JET program, she threw a fit saying stuff like I have a stable job right now and this can cause problems, and was afraid for me to live alone in a faraway country for a long time, so I abandoned the idea. ]
** now for the actual reason for the reddit post **
just recently, I wanted to let, out of good will, a Japanese friend who is single mom with a 4month old baby stay at my place for free for a couple months until her work permit expires and she needs to go back to Japan (because she was unable to find a job, due to language barrier). since my mom sleeps at my place (it was something I offered) every Friday, I knew she would find out, and I would need to ask her my keys to give to my friend, so I spoke to her about it in advance.
at first, besides arguing, it didn’t escalate yet (her arguments were, “you can’t trust anybody, she can use you and make a copy of your keys, stay forever, make a mess out of your place,” etc and so I was telling to her back that she is being controlling, that I am an adult and can make my own decisions , that she is being paranoid). but the next day, when I tried to call her she ignored my calls. until she answered, she started screaming which totally freaked me out, and shouting on the phone ” you want to kill me??”. so again, I abandoned the idea and had to apologize to my friend.
I get that she worries for me, but I wonder if this situation can be considered as emotional abuse.. my mom is important to me more than my friend. so I went along. but I don’t know, just wondering what you think about all this. its no huge deal compared to other posts I’ve read so sorry if its so lengthy. I appreciate anyone who pays attention.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as Illustrious-Shine610 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Illustrious-Shine610 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
You need to set proper boundaries with her if you want her to get better. she’s throwing these tantrums because they work, not because she can’t help it. The next time she throws a tantrum, hang up the phone and text her, telling her that you’ll continue the conversation when she’s ready to listen.
You also need to stop abandoning your plans when she’s ready blows up. She’s got an overwhelming amount of control over your life because your first response is to go along with her to stop the screaming. This is abuse. All she has to do is scream and cry and throw a fit like a toddler and you’ll be marching to her tune again, just like she wanted.
Hypothetical time. What happens when, some day down the line, you meet someone who you just know is going to be your spouse one day? You get along instantly with them, you can see that there’s a great future together, everything. But your mother decides that because you’re spending more time with this person, you’re not paying enough attention to her, and starts one of her tantrums. Would you let her ruin your future happiness just to soothe her emotions, or would you stand by your partner?
The longer you let this continue, the more you give in to her behavior, the harder it’ll be to manage the situation in that hypothetical. She’ll be so used to getting her way that when her usual methods don’t work, she’ll escalate further, making things worse in the end. You need to start pushing back now, prioritizing your happiness and future over her emotions, so that when something truly big happens, like a wedding or the birth of your child, you’ll already have experience with maintaining your boundaries.
You can take some steps so that she can’t put you in this situation. Have the locks changed and don’t give her the new key.
Then you could have someone stay with you by just having a new key made, without her being involved at all.
Don’t let her have means to control you, in other words. Don’t depend on her for things. You can have some kind of relationship with her that works for you, but it sounds like you need to keep her in the dark about things that you are planning.
Also, when she does have a fit, please try to understand that it is her problem to deal with. She’s an adult. You don’t have to fix things for her. You can withdraw and either hang up or leave. She can talk when she’s calmed down. She is using these fits to control what you do and she won’t stop if it keeps working.
You don’t deserve to be screamed at for your plans. You don’t deserve that at all.