Hey all. So I’ve got a rather touchy issue that I’m dealing with. I’m really hoping I can get some sort of feedback on this and what exactly to do.
About three months ago, my widowed mother (68) decided she was going to create an eHarmony account just to see who might be out there. Kudos to her for wanting to try again since losing my dad a year and a half ago. She happened to find someone that she matched with and said that she instantly hit it off with this guy. I was happy for her and shared in the excitement! It was good to see my mom be happy again for the first time in a long while. The more she was sharing with me about this individual began to arouse suspicion and I was beginning to see some red flags show up. Bear with me, there are quite a few and for consistency’s sake this may be a bit long winded.
- Within the first month of talking to this person, she made the very ballsy decision to have this person move in with her. This is not like my mom whatsoever.
- This person in question is supposedly a US citizen working overseas as a Civil Engineer on a construction job and has been over there for close to two months now.
- Also within that first month, she gave him her address. This person sent her a rather large floral arrangement that looked as if it costed a couple hundred dollars.
- This person seems extremely clingy to the point of being manipulative. On more than one occasion, they had a “meltdown” of sorts because of a fear of losing contact with my mom.
- Mom insists on meeting him at her home when he comes back to the US, versus a public meeting.
- This person has delayed meeting my mom twice now, due to “work and project delays”.
- The photo my mom shared with me of this person’s passport looks like it could be potentially forged. The signature looks as if it’s an e-signature, rather than an actual handwritten signature.
- He or his supposed business has no social media presence.
- Along with the flowers, he professed his love for my mom very quickly.
- He’s supposedly shy. On Easter when my husband and I visited her, she was texting him and had asked if he would like to say hello to my husband and I. He declined. I would think that being a holiday, this person would have at least been polite enough to do that.
- This person also has a supposed fortune they are sitting on, which they want to make my mom the beneficiary of.
All of these signs have set off alarms in my head. I’ve tried to educate my mom on what the dating world is like these days, along with sharing these signs with her and why this is dangerous. The more time goes on, I’m finding holes in the stories when she has talked about him. For the life of me, I’m worried she’s not understanding exactly what is going on or if she’s being willfully ignorant. And despite being stood up twice now, she is still invested in this because she “has to know for herself if this is all real”.
From her side of things, she says she has the situation under control. I worry she is being naive about a lot of this, despite me expressing concern. Which I can only take her word for it.
- She says she has done her research on such things at my suggestion.
- She insists that he is a real person. She was even able to Skype with him recently.
- She says that she hasn’t given him any financial information or social security number; nor has she signed any sort of paperwork.
To me personally, there is a lot that is disconcerting about this whole situation. Just because someone’s voice and video matches the photos, it doesn’t mean they’re an honest person. And it’s even more upsetting to me that my mom has got herself into a romance scam and doesn’t even realize it. I’ve taken steps to do a little work in trying to expose this person. The only problem with that is, when I have tried to contact The State Department, I’m having no luck. Tried to file an anonymous report with them online and emailing. The form isn’t able to be submitted and I’ve received an email that says that the mailbox is full. I’ve even considered making a fake eHarmony account to try and expose this potentially dangerous person.
I’m not trying to sabotage my mom’s chances of happiness. I want nothing but happiness for her, in fact. And I’m worried that this whole situation is going to come between us. I’m not sure where else I can possibly go to report a suspected scammer. I’m open to hearing what you might have to say.
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Gift your mom and yourselves a visit to his home country. it will be be cheaper in the long run. but they dont usually send expensive flowers. maybe they would use a stolen credit card from a previous person. Maybe contact the florist and explain they might give you the name of the credit card
I would be concerned also. A friend of mine recently lost her mother to a sudden illness and found out she had depleted her savings on similar romance scams.
The main thing to remember here is that your mom is probably very lonely after the loss of your dad. Are there any in person groups or organizations your mom might be interested in?
The guy sounds 100% like he’s playing a long game con. Getting confrontational with your mom about it while she’s feeling giddy and adored by someone will likely cause her to be more secretive about the relationship.
What I would suggest:
1.) Embrace your mom’s happiness and show her your full support when you talk to our see your mom. Hopefully, she will let her guard down enough for you to find out more details about her new man. Maybe you can get his number from her phone or other details.
2.) I would definitely make an e-harmony account and try to connect with this man. Two can play at his game. You’ll have to put yourself in the mindset of someone your mom’s age and find some pictures to use. Another option would be getting dudes’ numbers and reaching out with the premise of something bogus to get him talking. For example, “We’re planning a surprise party for my mom and wanted to include you.”
3.) Continue to try to talk with him and keep asking your mom when you can meet him and video chat. This is normal behavior, and someone with nothing to hide should have no problem with it. The more he makes excuses or cancels, the more opportunities for your mom to see the light. When he does cancel or refuse to meet you, show disappointment but continue to be supportive of your mom. This will encourage her to be open with you if she finally sees the light.
4.)If you find out enough information, try to confront this man directly without humiliating your mom. If, and I doubt it would happen, he shows up here in the States, be ready to be there when he is scheduled to arrive.
Good luck.
Call AARP, they have great resources on how to deal with this.
I’m confused about the moving in part…is it that she agreed to let him move in with her when he comes back to the U.S? If he’s so rich, why would he need to do that? It sounds suspicious, yes. Scammers always say they’re overseas contract workers. She definitely shouldn’t send him money or any financial info.
Would she allow you to call him and ask a few questions of your own?