I’m just so pissed and need to get this out
My sister is pregnant with her first kid and is the first of my siblings to have a child so it’s my parents’ first grandkid too. It’s been a really big deal, it was the push my parents needed to retire and they’ve said how excited they are over and over.
My parents are extremely wealthy but live in a really affluent neighborhood where people have more than them so are always saying “we’re not rich!” They are so out of touch with the state of the economy and the country and how hard it is to be a young person trying to make it today.
I was talking to my mom the other day and they had booked a white water rafting trip before they knew my sister was pregnant. The trip is a little over a week after she’s due, is nonrefundable and nontransferable. The other day on the phone she said “I’m sorry but if she has that baby late we will just not be there, I am not going to lose $2500. The baby will be there when we’re done.”
I’m glad it was a phone call and not video or in person because I could not control my face. After years of snarky comments about wanting to be grandparents, including a comment about aging (I won’t be having kids till after 35) that I let go, she has the audacity to act like my sister is inconveniencing HER.
All I could think was what if something happens? What if it’s not perfect and smooth, and she’s not there, she’s out on the fucking river in the middle of the Grand Canyon with NO SERVICE until they get back to a camp.
They can afford to lose the money for the trip. They did basically the same trip a few years ago (where they invited us, their kids, to come and pay our own way so we could have a nice glorified camping family vacation for the low price of $4000, something none of my siblings can afford).
While my mom was venting I just said uh huh and yeah when she made her case for the money that is less than a quarter of one of my dad’s paychecks. My siblings and I have a policy of not speaking for each other in these situations. If I told my sister, it would send her reeling, as she’s worked really hard to get them to be more invested in us and our relationship. I’m not going to tell her because there’s a chance it won’t matter and I don’t need to cause a rift.
I’m just so angry that every time I start to think my parents are becoming more like actual parents, they do something that reminds me where I stand on them as parents: I really don’t think that they would have had kids if they weren’t conditioned to want them (both raised strict Catholic). They have always maintained these boundaries with us that make it feel like we’re just a job to them, mostly in that they aren’t willing to sacrifice their personal time or parties or vacations to be there for us. My sister and I have talked at length about this and mourned together as adults when we realized that other families aren’t like this. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried when I stayed with a close friend after moving across the country because of how nice her parents were to me. We have no emotional support from our parents in anything and feel that the extent of their concern is limited to how our decisions make THEM look. They never wanted to do the tough parenting and we lived under a patriarchal household where my brother was allowed to beat the crap out of me because how can you correct a boy? But I was punished for screaming about the abuse, cause something something about being lady like.
I’m also pissed because I’m a grown adult and still get so angry about these things and obviously still have more to work through in therapy. The comment about not being willing to lose the money just stirred up so much.
Thanks for reading
Comments
Honestly I always laugh when people start talking about how great and involved they would be as grandparents because usually the one pressuring and bragging are the first ones to bail.
But honestly I think you should accept them as they are because by your recounting it doesn’t seem like they ever changed. You are setting yourselves up for failure by constantly building them up in your head. Unfortunately no matter how hard you work, they will always do what they want.
An acquaintance had a child depending on family and friends that have consistently let her down. It did not end well. She called me for help. A person she spoke to maybe 3 times in a year.
Wishing your sister a safe delivery and hopefully things work out and she doesn’t get let down.
It sounds like your sister is better off not having them around for the birth. Does she even want them there?
I can relate. Last time I went home for a visit my mom and her new husband went on a trip with my aunt and uncle WHILE I WAS STILL THERE. I drove 5 hours home to visit (and only for 4-5 days?!) and she didn’t even tell me until I got there that she was gonna dip out early and I’d have to stay alone in her house for a day. Like… really, the only time all year we have together and you’re going to cut it short for a last minute vacation with your sister who you see all the time? She’s already warned me that if I have kids, she won’t be around to help. Honestly the worst part is I didn’t even feel that hurt by her leaving early until I got home and mentioned it to an older lady at work I was somewhat close with, and she was SO shocked and hurt for me. It made me realize that’s not how it’s supposed to be 🙁 that kind of casual disregard and rejection is so hurtful and hard to deal with, especially because it’s something you recognize more and more as you get older
It seems like your parents need to be LC for a while given how you mentioned they let your brother harm you and enabled him by letting him get away with it because sounds like you and your sister are better off without them. Has your sister said that she wants them there?
I would not prioritize them tell your sister don’t go to them make them last
I gently suggest that you butt out. This isn’t about you and what you think should be done. Not every grandmother wants to be there for their grandkid’s birth (it freaked my mom out). Not every new mother wants her mother there.
Also, you might find counseling helpful. Your anger clearly comes through and it really sounds like your parents aren’t worth that much emotion.
I mean, on one view, if the birth isn’t perfect and smooth, what are they going to be able to do about it anyway? They’re not the doctors and their immediate attendance it’s unlikely anyway.
But also, if they’re not particularly loving, attentive parents, stop expecting them to be and save yourself the disappointment. They are who they are and they won’t change.
Damn, I hope you are working with a therapist or someone to work through all of your frustrations & resentment about your parents (I am not judging you at all, you raise a lot of valid points)
Just reading your post, I could feel the hurt, anger – all those emotions – so I hope you have someone to talk to about it all
Your mom also knows that there is no guarantee of when your sister will go into labor. I think you are overreacting and as gently as possible I suggest you need to relax and quit making this a stressful event. Life is not about stressing out over things you cannot control (although we do all do so often). It’s ok. You said your peace; now let it go. Enjoy your sister’s pregnancy in the way that fits you and let others do the same.
You sound entitled. The birth of the first grandchild isn’t a reason to stop living life. Grow up.
As much as it pains me to say this, as someone whose parents are not involved with my son, they see him 1x a year… they are entitled to spend their time as they like. They are not obligated to be there. It isn’t their responsibility anymore. Enjoy them for who they are moving forward. Don’t put this expectation on them because then you will feel like they always let you down, and you all will never have a good relationship with them. Don’t keep this unrealistic standard, it’s an unnecessary strain on the relationship.
You should do whatever your sister wants. This is HER child being born. From reading this story, I’d swear you were the pregnant one.
Birth is not a spectator sport, stop trying to involve your parents where they (and probably your sister) don’t want to be there.
I have two kids, and honestly, your parents may be doing your sister a favor by not being there right after the birth. As they really, really do not sound like they would be at all helpful, and when you have just brought a newborn home from the hospital, you really do not need to be dealing with unhelpful people.
My in laws expected to be waited on when they came and visited us after our oldest was born. I really did not need to be doing that on top of recovering from a really rough birth, nursing a newborn, and getting almost no sleep.
Having time to bond with your newborn and to get used to parenting a teeny tiny infant is actually really nice.
I totally get where you’re coming from and why you would feel this way, but this really might not be a bad thing at all.
That said, I really hope your sister’s in laws are the helpful and supportive type of grandparents.
I’m personally confused about how you want your parents to view/handle money? You seem upset that they are well off financially and that they dont let it go to waste just because they can. I feel like had your mom said they weren’t going on the trip, and we’re going to let 2500 go to waste, you’d also be upset.
My mom wasn’t even invited to any of my four births.
And I love my mom and we have a good relationship. That doesn’t mean I wanted her in the room while I was dealing with labor and childbirth.
What is the big deal? Your sister is presumably a grown woman and she can give birth without her mom. She might have a partner, she can hire a doula, and she will have her whole medical team.
I mean they have the rest of their lives to meet the kid.
My ILS or parents weren’t there when I gave birth. My parents were 1000 miles away and couldn’t travel, and the ILS were waiting for us to get home. It was our time to get into the whole adjustment process of having a newborn at home. My MIL came a week later and helped us for about a week and then went home. It was fine.
Don’t worry about it because if she’s not really a Hands-On mom to begin with why would you stick her in the room with your sister. She’ll probably be as helpful as a condom with a hole in it. How your mother spends her time is on her I wouldn’t want her in the room with me if she wasn’t going to be helpful I also wouldn’t want her at my house if she wasn’t going to help me after the birth of the baby. Having a child is very difficult even when things go smoothly when you take that baby home you just gave birth and you really don’t want to be bothered with anybody bonding with your husband or your significant other and your child is the most important thing that you want to do you’re not worrying about whether your mother or father come to see your child you come if you want to if you don’t I’m okay with it
Im so sorry, I can empathize. I’m in a similar situation with my parents. All i can recommend is support and get support from your siblings. Be there for your sister and remember this when it’s time pick your parents’ nursing home lol.
It will be a week or two old instead of a newborn. I’m assuming your sister has you and/or a husband and other friends and family to help out. Let them live their life and take their trip. The world doesn’t revolve around you or your sister. They can be excited to be grandparents and still want to go on their trip. People have baby every day without their parents there.
It blows my mind people expecting their parents to drop everything when they are having a baby. Surely your sister has a partner who will be there? I know it’s the norm in the US to have parents and siblings there when you give birth. That is so alien to me. I had 3 babies and would have HATED to have had an audience.
This is not something you can allow to consume you. Just be there for your sister because it hurts so much when the parents that claimed they wanted to be grandparents don’t make an effort, then blame you.
I can feel your hurt and anger and frustration. And your grief.
Your parents… sucked. And still suck. It sucks to recognize it too. And I totally understand getting angry at yourself for still being angry. It doesn’t matter if you’re adult or 80 years old. Your parents were shitty to you in a way that completely severs any chance of emotional connection and understanding. You’re not seen or felt to matter.
I hope you find that though, elsewhere if you haven’t already. You and your sister deserve it.
Your parents booked a non-refundable trip and they want to take it, as is their right.
They’ve seen their share of babies as they had a couple themselves. They all look the same when they’re born, reddish and wrinkled and easily pissed off, so they aren’t missing anything there. Your parents are right; that kid isn’t going anywhere and they can see it when they get back.
From your post your sister isn’t really bothered and this will give her more private time with the baby which new parents always appreciate. The person struggling with this is you. Your sister had the baby for herself and not for your parents. Your parents raised you both and they really don’t owe you anything, regardless of what you think or feel. Repeat that to yourself a few times as I realize this is coming as a shock. You have a right to your feelings, but having a negative feeling doesn’t always mean you’re right. At the end of the day your parents are adults and can do whatever they want. This really doesn’t have anything to do with your parents as they aren’t even aware that you are making the choice to associate their actions with your worth.
It’s not common for grandparents to be there when the baby is born.
Most people just want some alone time with the baby at first.