Idk if my mom is just BEC to me at this point and its not actually a big deal, because my relationship has been deteriorating with her over the last 10+ years, and more rapidly in the last 5. But, basically for the last however many years she always seems to suggest or pick the most difficult, inconvenient, or boundary pushing “thing” when it comes to “her” turn to be celebrated, like birthdays or mothers day. And also for things she suggests because she wants us to spend more time together.
Things like “i really just want us all to go to church” or a faith-based or sponsored play (i left the church decades ago and do not believe in it or agree with it). Or weekend or overnight trips that would be really expensive and difficult for everyone to get there. Or like, wanting to go on a trip for big holidays like Christmas. Things that would require expensive airbnbs, hours in the car, petsitters, lots of planning, lots of activity like hiking, boating, camping. For this Mother’s Day, for example, she specifically wanted to go Mini Golfing. Something she has NEVER wanted to do before, and my dad just happens to be temp in a wheelchair / scooter and couldn’t go. For Father’s Day she decided she wanted to do a harbor cruise boat rental (and again, my dad is in a scooter right now and it’s not really set up for people in wheelchairs and I have limited mobility to climb in and out of boats) – it wasn’t what he wanted to do at all.
She says she is sick of “small talk” and doesn’t like our usual “pick a restaurant” or cookout at the house and wants to “get real” and do active stuff out in nature. My dad is temp disabled and I am in chronic pain and have limited mobility. Plus I have cats & fosters at home that need daily meds, so any overnight trip requires a lot of planning and $$ for me to get a sitter and my SO isnt comfortable leaving them alone for longer than like 18 hours. It literally takes as much planning for me to leave for a week as it does for a day. I was laid off in 2022 from my white collar job and have been under-employed since, and husband just got laid off from his so money is very tight for us right now.
If we say sorry, can’t do it, or that we don’t want to, she throws a tantrum or blasts us to everyone who will listen or acts out in an alcohol binge.
Her latest thing is wanting to go to the family vacation house for her birthday, to go out on the lake. It would be a six hour round trip for us, minimum which makes just going for the day very difficult, timing wise.
I feel like she ALWAYS does this when its her turn, she cant ever pick something low key or be considerate of anyone else. It feels like a loyalty or love test, or just some way to set us up so that she can say “see, no one loves me!!” And shes the victim. But idk if she’s just oblivious and inconsiderate. And I struggle with saying no because the consequences feel so bad, and in my mind I just feel so guilty like… this is all she wants, it would make her happy etc etc. it doesn’t help that lately i have 0 interest in being around her due to the stunts she pulls.
Is she being reasonable? How do I not struggle with the guilt of trying to be honest about what I can do and setting boundaries? TYIA!
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as orangefreshy posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe orangefreshy JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
So the way you get ahead of this is you tell her that you have a special surprise planned for her. A big surprise. You’ll pick her up at x:xx o’clock on x date, or send an Uber for her so she feels fancy. Tell her to dress up.
Then take her to a restaurant. Make sure that they know it’s a BIRFFFFDAAAAY and have the staff sing to her. Give her a present.
Then go home. Done and dusted.
Next time, schedule her for a day at a day spa and tell them that it’s her BIRRRFFFFDAAAY.
Get creative. There’s a place in my town that will sneak out in the dark of night and decorate her lawn with plastic flamingoes.
Send her and your dad to a hotel for a romantic anniversary.
Do things that are conventional that her friends would consider to be niiiiiiice.
You get the idea. You get out in front of it and control what’s happening. She’ll look like an ass for complaining about a surprise. Or complaining about dinner out or the spa after the fact.
Will you have to spend some money? Yes. But given all the travel she wants to do, it’s probably worth it, just for the gas and time you’re spending.
This is about control. Take it back.