Little bit long context here. So the other day my parents returned home from Europe after a monthlong trip. My fiancee and I visited my parents for their return briefly, but had to leave quickly as we had plans. I sort of tuned out my mother telling my fiancee that she had gifts for us, as the only thing on my mind were the plans and how we were running late. So as I’m basically forcing my fiancee into the car to leave so we make it on time, I get a very upset call from my mother demanding we both get out of the car to see the gifts she got. As I’m explaining (perhaps a bit frustratedly so) that we have to go, she hangs up the phone given that she’s so upset. So I bring my fiancee back inside, and lo and behold my mother’s put the gifts away and refuses to show us out of pure pettiness. My mother’s pretty hotheaded and emotionally out of control, and so I reiterate to my fiancee (as I have many times in the past) that my mother flies off the handle but then recovers quickly, and we leave to deal with it later. Anyways, my fiancee got very uncomfortable and upset with the whole situation regardless.
Fast forward a few days, and everything has cooled off. Mom’s back to being pleasant and we talk it out and she gives us the gifts. Now for a bit more context, my fiancee is very overly deferential (to an annoying degree sometimes). She tells me she wants to give my mother a gift in return for what she got us, and though I tell her she doesnt have to do it, I still think its a very nice gesture. She went there this morning to give them a gift. An hour or so passes when I get a call from my mother, again sounding very upset, basically saying that she “doesnt know how to deal” with a situation like this, and that by getting her a gift in return, my fiancee has officially made the initial altercation a big deal. I tell her that’s a bizarre interpretation of a gift of appreciation. She said something along the lines of “Now this means I have to kowtow and show great appreciation for what you guys have done for me? No. This is bullshit. Ask any one of your friends how their mother’s would respond”.
Well A. Not comfortable describing this situation to any of my friends, and B. I don’t buy at all that this is something that could be considered offensive. I don’t even know what the takeaway should be from this, as I obviously don’t want to tell my fiancee she did something wrong as she’d be distraught.
Comments
Your mother turned a thank you into a power struggle don’t let her drag your fiancée into that chaos. Kindness isn’t a crime and if appreciation offends her the real problem isn’t the gift it’s her need to control the narrative.
Geesh..this is her struggle not yours. Tell her fine but moving forward no gift giving from both sides so we avoid this power struggle!
“Thank you so much! How incredibly thoughtful. Can I offer you a cold drink?” is how sane mothers respond.
Your mother sounds like a nightmare of drama and overbearing neediness. It explains why you are with someone you describe as annoyingly deferential. You picked a woman you can push around like your mother pushes you around. Get some therapy and don’t get your girlfriend pregnant, because you are NOT ready for parenthood.
Yikes she sounds exhausting.
I would go NC for a year and think about how peaceful life is without that bs.
Malicious compliance. Ask your friends. Their moms will not react as she did. Give her the results in a spreadsheet.
It feels like there are some cultural issues here with everyone that are not being explained.
Your mother felt that her gift was lessened by gf gift.
A good answer to her upset might have been “that’s how her family does things, but if it made you upset, I’ll let her know not to do it anymore.”
You need to handle your mother.
Keep your fiancée out of it.
Don’t tell her.
Keep the 2 apart.
I’ve seen Sheldon do the exact same thing on the Big Bang theory. He didn’t want to be in debt to the gift giver.
No offense, OP, but your mom sounds like a nightmare. And it sounds like you’re not doing a very bang-up job of standing up to your mother on behalf of the woman that you intend to marry.
“I don’t even know what the takeaway should be from this, as I obviously don’t want to tell my fiancee she did something wrong as she’d be distraught.” I don’t know how you can NOT know what to do here. Your fiancé did absolutely nothing wrong, she did something considerate and sweet. And the fact that you aren’t sure about that, strikes me as incredibly odd. You should stand up for your bride-to-be to your Mom-zilla, who is treating her horribly.
Your mom sounds like a lot of work very manipulative and you sound like you make a lot of excuses for her. She behaves badly like this because you’ve apparently allowed it for some time.
Your mother is fucking nuts. That’s all. She needs to be in control over the situation, and as soon as the intention is turned off of her she flips out. That’s all it is. You’re only thing you can do is disengage. It doesn’t matter the situation she’ll always make a scene. She doesn’t care how much it hurts anybody as long as she’s getting the attention. And clearly she just makes up stuff. I’m sorry you have to deal with this my mother-in-law has been like this for many years and it’s difficult. I threaten to never let her over my house again if she doesn’t stop. That usually does the trick. If we’re not at my house I’ll say things like you need to take a deep breath and calm down. And if she continues to be like we’re not putting up with this crap you need to get a hold of yourself calm down and act like an adult. You’re ridiculous right now and everyone can see it and we’re leaving. Or something like that. She always comes down. When she realizes that I pointed out and everyone knows she’s a fool usually does the trick. I have been doing this for 30 years though. 20+ years though. I’m not exactly sure what tactic to take with your mom. You’re gonna have to probably burn that for bridge for a while. You may have to go no contact until she gets her shit together. This is the only way otherwise you’re gonna be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
Just because you’re used to your mom’s mood switches and attitude doesn’t mean your girlfriend should have to ,your mom is making this weird. Tell her say thank you and get over it she’s very childish and this sort of thing is gonna get old when it’s not your own family.
Wow, so much negativity in the comments. Yikes. 😬 I agree with another commenter that it seems like we’re missing some cultural context here, but in short, no, no one needs to “kowtow” for a gift. Not on either side. That’s an absurd expectation. It’s also a bit crazy to be mad that someone got you a gift. 🤷🏼♀️ She can’t just say “thank you” and move on?
Your mom is a problem. You know it already. It’s up to you to handle her.
Your mom is the problem, choose your fiancée!
There’s an episode of Corner Gas where Brent and Hank are doing everything possible to avoid accepting a favor from each other so they don’t “owe” a favor back.
Why did you go over when you didn’t really have time to go over. You should have visited the next day instead. I can see mom being upset that after you were told she had gifts you couldn’t wait 5 minutes to let her give them to you. I am sure she spent longer picking them out
Wow. If I were you, I would go low contact with your mommy. She sounds unhinged. She’s gonna make your poor wife’s life miserable in the future.