I’m new here! I 35F. It went like this. After 2 weeks of my fathers funeral, while I was 11 years old. We were at home after having had prayers for dead father. Mother was sitting and talking to one of her friends, and i was right there, maybe 3ft away from her as she told her friend I had tried everything when i was pregnant with this one, to have a miscarrage. She went on to say how she would jump from stairs, swings etc tried everything but failed to have a miscarrage. Her friend the other lady just looked at me. and i just looked at the two of them. Its not as if she didn’t know i was there or that i could hear her, i was looking her in the eyes as she said this story and she was looking in my eyes as she said this. I always had felt like a stranger, never really connected with her or my siblings (I am the youngest). I kind of get now why I always felt like that. But now i even wonder was i ever soothed as a crying baby? was i hugged and loved? I remember her slapping me across the face when i was a baby (maybe 5 or 6yrs old) when i was sick and she was forcing medicine down my throat, and i was crying – cause what child likes medicine, plus i was ill.. i remember even then thinking wtf just happened (in child friendly language of course) she even went on to abandon me when i was a teenager, going to the nect country over (5hrs away) to meet her boyfriend on the weekends while i stayed home alone. She left the house one morning when i was 25yrs, after i had been begging her to let me live on my own. I woke up that morning seeing all the furniture gone, thinking we got robbed! but it was just her having decided to move out and leave me alone in a house she knew i couldnt afford. anyways there are sooooo many other incidents. But now i want to go no contact with her, but she tries to guilt me back everytime. And sometimes i do feel guilty, like when she messaged the other day saying (no hello, how are you?) just straight to if i dont message why cant you reach out, my back is bad now and i am old. i was speaking to my brother about wanting no contact with her, but he is also caught up in the guilt and told me to forgive her and that she has a right over me as my mother. I’ve seen when my sisters were pregnant and how they took extra care of themselves, eating well, getting enough rest, even having additional supplements to ensure good health of the baby and mother. Its what a loving mother does, but my mother instead of eating right, getting enough rest, additional vitamins and what not – was instead trying to kill me. I am so hurt and confused right now, because after almost 2 decades the reality is setting in now, how she never loved me. I guess i’m looking to just vent but also any coping tips or advice. Thank you from an unwanted, unloved child!