I (22M) recently moved in with my girlfriend (20F). It’s our first time living together, and overall things are good, but I’ve started to notice a recurring dynamic that’s bothering me, and I’m not sure how to address it.
For context, I’m in a much more stable financial situation. My living expenses are covered by my family, so I don’t worry much about groceries, rent, or basic costs. I’m also on summer break right now, while she works part-time several days a week, usually 9:30 to 6:30.
What’s been happening is she’ll often ask if I have any plans for dinner. That sounds casual, but it usually ends with me planning and cooking the meal, for both of us. I don’t mind cooking, and I actually enjoy it, but it’s starting to feel like the default expectation. It’s not always explicitly asked, but it’s implied.
She’s used to having her family provide a lot for her, and she’s admitted she doesn’t feel ready to live alone. I, on the other hand, lived alone last year by choice and found it helped me become a lot more self-sufficient. So while she is independent in many ways, there’s a noticeable difference in how we each approach domestic and logistical responsibilities.
My concern is that we’re unintentionally slipping into a dynamic where I become a kind of provider, not just financially, but with time and energy too, without really having a conversation about it. I want our relationship to feel mutual and balanced. I get that relationships aren’t always 50/50 in the moment, and I don’t mind taking on more sometimes, especially when I have the ability to. But I also don’t want to be the default planner/provider just because it’s more convenient or because she’s used to being taken care of.
I’m trying to figure out how to bring this up without sounding condescending or transactional. It’s not about the food, really, it’s about making sure we’re both approaching shared life with intentionality and ownership. I don’t want to build quiet resentment over something that could probably be cleared up with communication.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of early imbalance after moving in together? Especially when there’s a financial or lifestyle gap? How do you start this conversation in a way that’s constructive and respectful?
Appreciate any advice.
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“Hon, I find myself doing the majority of the cooking for us and I need this to be more equal. Can we plan a cooking schedule or something?”
Doesn’t have to be a big deal to bring up
sounds like this is bothering you and this is probably spilling over from other inequalities you perceive.
say “hey what should WE make for dinner tonight?”
approach problems, chores, tasks mutually.
“this place is a mess WE should clean it, i’ll start picking up can you run the sweeper?”
be inclusive but firm, not demanding.
If she’s not working every day it should be easy enough to suggest to her that she cook on the days she’s not working. Learning how to have these kinds of conversations and come to an agreed upon compromise is essential to being in a relationship. People who can’t do this get frustrated and eventually just break up.
When you first move in together for the very first time it’s always going to have bumps and hills it’s just how you approach it. But understand that when you live together typically the person who is home the most is the one who cooks the most and cleans. Like whoever is home first is typically the one who does dinner. Also 6:30 is a bit late to start dinner don’t you think? I mean you should already be eating that time, is it so bad to make an extra plate? I think it’s pretty fair arrangement given how often and late that she works. It’s just how it usually happens. If my partner is home all day or on break, the house is clean, and dinner is ready, if I am home all day, the house is clean, and dinner is ready. If we both get home late than we talk about our options and what we would like to do. That’s 50/50 one person works/school the other takes care of the house which changes on a day to day basis. You may think it’s unfair but it’s actually a very balanced situation.
> It’s not always explicitly asked, but it’s implied.
Sounds to me like you’re volunteering for it. She asks you if you have plans for dinner and you respond by cooking dinner.
Literally just communicate. She may feel as if she contributes to the relationship in ways that you don’t, and that’s why she’s put this responsibility of the relationship on you🤷♀️ think about it from multiple perspectives
Its a problem.
Stuff like this ruins couples once they live together.
Before you go guns blazing, I am going to give you an alternative behind the scenes approach, a goal to shoot for.
Turn cooking into quality time together.
I swear its such an under valued dynamic when you live together.
Throw on some music. Try out new recipes. You’re working the veggies. She’s working the stove. Catch up about your days. Talk, laugh, crack jokes while you cook together. Clean as you go. By the time dinner is ready, kitchen is spotless, just need to eat, wrap the leftovers, and both of you are done.
And that teamwork dynamic also bleeds into many other areas of the relationship. You will find yourselves working together on different tasks more harmonically since you’ve developed that habit through cooking.
Severely undervalued dynamic in my opinion. Start cooking together, it will save your asses. Make it fun to cook together.
If she sucks at cooking, then teach her. Teach her how to use a knife, how to cut an onion. It can be fun with the right approach. Getting her involved is what you’re complaining about anyways. Look into recipes to try out together. Turn it into quality time instead of a chore that’s someone’s task.
Me and my wife, 90% of the time we’re cooking side by side. We’re jamming to music. Chatting. Smacking butts. Flirting. Joking. Having fun. Cooking a meal. High fiving. Its a form of our quality time.
Underlooked approach in my opinion.
Outside of that, certainly need to have a serious conversation because the resentment that’s beginning to surface, will rip things apart eventually.
One thing at a time… Easier to address one issue at a time. Cooking, cleaning, or finances, pick your priority, keep it to one. Trying to address everything at once will make it more difficult.
Right now, I wouldn’t have a serious conversation.
I would try to make cooking fun and invite her to participate. Work some magic behind the scenes before I pull out the big guns like we need to sit down and talk about this.
Cook together! Clean up afterwards together!
If a woman was home all day and the man was working from 9:30-6:30, she would be expected to have dinner ready. To me, this just seems like a part of being a partnership. One does when the other cannot. The simple fix here is asking her to cook when she doesn’t work equal to the amount of days you cook when she works and cook together the other days. Who does the laundry? Who does the cleaning? Is she doing it all and you’re picking up the slack by cooking?
Just say: “I’ve noticed I’m doing most of the cooking. I’m happy to help, but let’s share the meal planning and cooking more so it’s fair for both of us.” Keep it simple and about teamwork
One thing to take into consideration is how much free time you each have to do chores. It might feel imbalanced but on days when she’s working 9:30 to 6:30 and you’re just sitting around I could see being annoyed of no one thinks about a plan for dinner until she gets home (after a long day when she’s already hungry).
You’re both young and need to learn about give and take, planning, and self sufficiency. I can see potential for resentment on both sides here, based on what you describe.
I’d suggest meal planning for the week on the weekends, and diving up who cooks when. You could take the lead on days she works and she could do it (or you do it together) on her days off. But if you have far more free time than she does I think it’s not the worst thing for you to do a little more.
This is why you don’t move in with a romantic partner that’s never lived on their own (whether that be literally by themselves or with roommates). They go from relying on family to relying on you. They need to learn how to function as an adult on their own first before moving in with a romantic partner where there’s an expectation that you’ll rely on each other to an extent.
OP, the advice here will be to have a sit-down about it. BUT … it might not be that deep. Sounds like you’re the first bf she’s lived with, and while she MIGHT be trying to rely on you the way she does with her family, she might ALSO just not be sure what the dynamic around household chores is.
So a much gentler, less drama-filled way to go about it would be something like this:
Ep. 1
GF: [calls] Do you have any plans for dinner?
OP: [in a friendly, conversational tone] Nope. What were you thinking?
GF: I dunno …
OP: [Still just as friendly] Well, it’s your turn to plan, so let me know when you decide. Talk later.
Ep. 2
OP: [In relaxed, informative tone] GF NAME, we’re out of milk and eggs. Can you pick some up on your way home please?
GF: Okay. [OR] I don’t know if I’ll remember.
OP: Okay, lemme text you a shopping list.
GF: How should we split the cost?
OP: Well I got the groceries the last time, so this one’s yours. But if you want to start dividing it up exactly, keep your receipts and we can do that from now on.
Etc.
If she asks, lob the ball back in her court and maybe be prepared to guide her to a solution that she takes responsibility for. If she doesn’t notice or doesn’t ask, just casually ask her to do it. This could take some repetition for her to really get the hang of it. But you only really need a serious sit-down if she doesn’t eventually pick up the ball and run with it, or if she refuses to take on her part.
Meal plan for the week when you are both off work, then shop together. When making the plan, decide who cooks which days. That way, it’s not a last-minute struggle AND you divide the task up-front
Ask her to take a couples cooking class with you. Ironically, the man has more basic life skills in this instance, but don’t forget it’s partially because of your privilege. You need to make meal planning a couples activity. You also need to just say to her that you like acts of service and would appreciate her planning dinners half the time. Maybe even just 1-2 nights a week. The goal is to give her confidence enough to realize she can do it and how much work it actually takes so that she appreciates you.