Our “fertility journey” (blergh) ended yesterday. No eggs, no embryos, no babies. In my mind I can see my husband holding our baby, who will never be. We’ve been luckier than many, in that I never had to experience a miscarriage. This is not an unexpected outcome given the extent of my endometriosis, my age, fibroids, etc. I’m in therapy, and have been for years. I know I have grieving to do, but I have so much love in my life, and a good support network.
My natural tendency is to look for silver linings, and possible other lives that open up – more time for other family members and friends (and their kids), more income for international adventures, more time for things that enrich me (sewing, reading), perhaps fostering with a view to supporting other families, and so on.
I’m wondering, for those that did not choose to be child-free, what are some of the silver linings, or positive outcomes, that you have found? Anything that particularly helped you with the grieving process?
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I’m right there with you on the infertility. We’re gonna try one more surgery for my endo and then call it if that fails. I’ve failed two rounds of IVF, had loads of sex while ovulating for the last 4 years without even a hint of getting pregnant.
I’ve not been able to find very many silver linings and I don’t quite know what to think other than this the whole experience has been painful and isolating.
One solace that I’ve found that has surprisingly brought me a lot of comfort is realizing that I like my life as is- it is far from a bad life. I could live out many more decades of the life I’ve been leading as it is currently without it becoming boring or too stressful or too terribly difficult, and I wouldn’t be unhappy.
I may never know if I would’ve even ACTUALLY enjoyed being a parent and I seriously don’t know if I’d be able to [god forbid] bear losing a child. My life is not riddled with heavy responsibilities- I have my husband and a dog, and myself, and that is all I need to worry about. It has made us thoughtfully consider our lives. We don’t just have to go through the motions if we don’t want to- we celebrate holidays and vacations and time together in ways that are meaningful to us and not necessarily child-centric. We could go broke tomorrow and I feel confident we could rebuild everything from the ground up easily without an innocent child’s life being in the balance. I like my life as I’ve created it so far, and if I can’t devote part of it to raising a child, then I feel confident that I am capable of filling that space with something else that is meaningful and enjoyable even if I can’t fathom exactly what that would be right now.
I guess I realized that I’ve always been just holding empty space in my life for the possibility of having a child. I just went through the motions and did what I was told would make a good life for me and my potential kids. And, the more done I get with trying, the more I don’t hate the idea of thoughtfully filling that empty space with whatever else I may want from life that I may have previously discounted as too risky or just a pipe dream.
This kind of struggle leads towards living a more examined life, and a lot of parents who had kids easily just never get the time or opportunity to do that. I guess what I’m trying to say is there is freedom in failure.
Nothing to add but just wanted to send you lots of love and positive thoughts and to say you deserve to take all the time you need to grieve and feel sad.
I feel for you. I’m child-free by circumstance and I still grieve.
I have taken on care of non-biological children and considering fostering in the future too! I do recognise the small things– like if you ever told me “at least you can sleep in on weekends,” I will not take it kindly… but when I’m lounging in bed on weekends? I WILL let myself have a moment to think “yea. Ok, this is nice,”
I plan cute little weekends away with my husband and enjoy the relationship that we have, and its relative ease. I spend a little extra money on myself (hair, nails etc). We go out for long relaxed brunches. I enjoy the quiet of my home and the time I get to just potter and work with my plants and my puzzles and silly little activities. I just take the time to be grateful for those small things.
I don’t take people’s well-intended bullshit to heart. That took a long time. Oh, I can have your kids because they’re driving you mad? HAVE I considered adoption?! Maybe I should get a puppy! Hey… thanks for trying.
But mostly? I let myself grieve. It is sad!, and it is so unfair! But my life is lovely, regardless. Its not the first one I imagined, but its a good one nonetheless
Please look up the book ‘Otherhood’ its a collection of essays from a wide variety of people (mostly women) who did not have children for a variety of reasons (choice, circumstances etc).
I found it fascinating and a great lesson on how different all our lives can be and what a gift that really is.