“If it were my choice, we wouldn’t be leaving.”
“It’s a privelege to take care of my mom, but (Me) wants her own space so that’s why we’re moving…”
“I don’t want to move, I’d rather get a bigger place with my mom, but I know it’s what’s best for your mental health so it’s okay.”
I know he is trying to be understanding, but his heart clearly isn’t there. We’re both 23 and newlyweds, we’ve loved each other since we were 16. However, the bond between his mom and him is strong. He is the firstborn son and the obvious favorite out of her five children. She is financially and emotionally enmeshed (makes comments about how much he looks like his bio dad “her only true love”, she’s carressed his face and ears in front of me, etc.). I respect thier relationship but feel like a 3rd wheel in my own marriage because of this issue. We’ve been living with her for over 2 years now. He says he’s making me a priority but these comments are throwing me for a loop. Any advice on how to get through this? I feel like when I’m not around her, it’s not intrusive to our relationship as much.
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I would find that attitude so off-putting. He’s implying you dont have a partnership because his choice doesn’t matter? That he’s martyring himself to your mental health? That anything not directly benefiting his mother is your fault? That given the ultimatum, he’s only just barely choosing you…?
I’d be tempted to move out and leave him with his true love – pardon me for being crass, but it sounds like if it wasn’t for sex, she’d always be his priority…
Advice?
If you don’t have kids, then continue to not have any with him.
Then ask yourself if you had planned on a life in which his mother will always take priority over you. Because she will.
Then act accordingly.
Your husband doesn’t see you as his number 1 priority.
He’s basically putting this all on you. I think you need to take a hard look at this relationship.
Him : If it were my choice, we wouldn’t be leaving.
You : Fine, then stay with your mother.
Him : It’s a privelege to take care of my mom, but (Me) wants her own space so that’s why we’re moving…
You : Might be a privilege for you, it ain’t for me. And I thought it was OUR decision as a married couple to move, but I guess I was wrong. Nice to know where you stand.
Him : I don’t want to move, I’d rather get a bigger place with my mom, but I know it’s what’s best for your mental health so it’s okay.
You : Is it okay ? Because you keep making those comments about you actually not wanting to move and it’s getting old. Maybe we should just get divorced so that you can marry your mother.
You guys need couples counselling.
You have clearly married a “mummy’s boy”, who has never matured. I reckon that if you asked him to choose who is his priority he would choose her in a heartbeat.
There is close-knit and then there’s co-dependent and controlling, no normal young guy wants to live with his mother forever!!
Don’t get pregnant – you will not get any support from him. You need marriage counselling, if you haven’t had it already.
Look this isn’t going to be the fairy tale you may have thought it was going to be.
He’s more in love with his mom than you. “She’s his family”. You are his FWB. Seen it so much here. Leave now.
Good Luck.
Yeahhhhhh he’s 100% going to try move your MIL in with you. This is him manipulating you into thinking he’s such a good husband and always putting your needs first. Pretty soon it’ll be him manipulating you into moving his mother in or having her stay weekends etc. This is really weird and honestly a hugeeeee red flag.
You may be newlyweds in your eyes but sounds like your MIL is being treated like the wife.
I’m sorry. I hope your new husband learns to treat you like the queen he married and he leaves his mother to be with her other children.
You are essentially the side chick. Be prepared,when you move, that he spends more time with his Mom at her place than home with you.
This isn’t going to change.
DH: “If it were my choice, we wouldn’t be leaving.”
you: Sounds good. Here’s the number for my attorney.
If he’s the firstborn of five and only 23, aren’t there minors living withers as well? Just the three of you would be bad enough, but his young siblings and his mom would mean zero privacy or relationship building.
You’ll hear the same two things repeatedly here because they’re your only reasonable choices. Di NOT have kids with him (at least for the time being), and counseling is your only hope. You want to do couples counseling, and individual therapy would be great for him.
Good luck!
Do not let him get you pregnant. You will have two children to take care of.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? That is your answer.
You can’t change people, you know that right?
You knew he was like this and still chose to marry him. This is what the rest of your life will look like, is this what you want? Mommy always first and you always second. You’re young, you don’t have to settle for this.