I’m a dad to three kids—15, 14, and 12. Our youngest came to us as a baby and was later adopted. His birth mother used meth and alcohol during pregnancy.
He’s now strong enough to hurt me—and he does. During a recent meltdown, he hit me in the face, leaving a black eye and a cut. Just a few days later, in a separate incident, he kicked me in the ankle with his soccer cleats so hard I could barely walk for two weeks. I ended up in the ER twice and had a clinic follow-up.
We don’t do physical discipline, spanking, etc.
A while back, during another episode, my oldest called the police. He was handcuffed and taken to the hospital, where he was admitted to a pediatric mental health unit.
My marriage is on the rocks. I know it’s not his fault, but the constant stress, frequent meltdowns, and walking on eggshells have worn us down. We barely spend time together anymore, and we avoid going out as a family because we’re afraid of what might happen. And of course you can forget about sex.
He definitely has cognitive delays and will always need some support, but socially, at school he fits right in, other than you might think he’s a bit quirky. He has friends, plays organized sports, all the normal stuff that boys do.
Our house is wrecked. Broken TVs, damaged walls, smashed phones. We’re doing everything we can, but it’s exhausting.
I’ve caught myself wondering what life would be like if we hadn’t answered that phone call for placement. I’m so distracted, it’s affecting my career…I’m one of those federal employees you hear about in the news that everyone hates.
I’ve started seeing a therapist weekly. I’m really depressed but no one really knows, because I hide it pretty well.
He’s not a bad kid and when things are calm, he’s a sweet boy who likes playing with the dog outside. I do love him, but I hate him.
I think I hate my son and that makes me an awful person…I’m an adult..I should be able to handle this and I can’t.
Comments
That’s a lot to carry, and it’s okay to admit it’s breaking you down. Doesn’t mean you don’t love him, it just means you’re overwhelmed and human. No shame in those thoughts, just keep getting support and take it one day at a time.
That’s tough, have you been able to find an outlet for his big feelings? Like is there something like a punching bag or something he could take that frustration during a meltdown on instead of you? I’m sure you’ve tried a million things, so idk if that is helpful.
Talk to a school counselor you trust about finding services for your son.
You haven’t mentioned if he’s been formally diagnosed with anything and is receiving any help (accommodations, personal aide, etc.) at school. There may be some things available for your son.
I’m 19. My philosophy has always been to discipline a kid physically at least once in their life. It’s similar to training a dog, they need to have that sense of fear from you. I’m saying this because it worked on me and my brother. I might speak up against my father every once in a while, and then apologize later. However, I would never dare hit him. Even if he was half my size. He used to spank me and pinch my skin (really hard) when I was a baby. If I cried , he’d pinch me and I’d stop.
Now in not saying you should start hitting your son (to discipline him of course), I think it might be too late for that. Furthermore, he sounds mentally unstable to the point where he might fatally harm you in some sort of disciplinary altercation. Personally, I’d look into boarding schools to send him to. That might work out since he’s not living with you and he will most definitely get disciplined by the teachers (depending on what part of the world you live in). He will most likely get into loads of trouble as a way of acting out, hopefully he won’t get expelled.
Again, I’m 19 in America. So take my words with a grain of salt. This is all my opinion regarding your situation. You seem like a gentle person, however, physical discipline is usually a must from fathers…if not the mother.