Okay I have no idea if this is the right place for this but I need some advice and am not sure where else to post.
So for some context, I am not a parent, I’m a 19 year old girl and this is about my younger sister (14). I have been a parental figure to my little sister since I was as young as 14 and have a lot of say in what happens to her and what shes allowed to do. My parents are often very niave to stuff like this as my mum was dating 25 year olds at 15 and my dad was dating 15 year olds at 26.
To get into it, my 14 year old sister recently went to a sleep over at a friend’s (13f) and met her older brother. He is 16, turning 17 next month. My sister doesn’t turn 15 til September. She fell head over heels for him and is all over him. My mum asked for my opinion and I told her straight that I think it’s inappropriate and he’s too old to be dating a 14 year old. My sister is very developed physically and older boys usually have bad intentions. My parents think he’s okay because he’s “good in school” so “he won’t do anything to her” but yesterday he came over and I walked in on her practically laying on top of him.
What do you think? I’m worried to tell her not to see him (or to tell my parents to tell her) in case she then goes behind our backs and sees him anyway. But this isn’t okay, right?
This is unfortunately legal where he live so there’s nothing legally wrong with it. My sister is also very easily manipulated and coerced into doing things so I believe if he wanted things from her, she would give in.
Any advice is welcome and any criticism is also welcome. Thank you for reading <3
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Yeah no that’s weird
IMHO if you try to put restrictions on her, it’s gonna make her resent you and rebel. She may end up doing stupid shit like trying to sneak out of the house to see him.
You want her to be comfortable coming to you about stuff, you don’t want to alienate her. This is a very teachable moment in her young life, be the big sis she looks up to, be someone she feels comfortable coming to for advice.
Instead of telling her she can’t see him, try educating her on stuff like consent and safe sex practices. Make sure she understands that NO MEANS NO! Anything other than a HELL YES is a HELL NO! (I’ve got some great resources on consent if you’re interested.)
Make sure she always has condoms, show her how to use them, better yet get her on some form of birth control.
Take her to a gyno, let her ask questions and discuss birth control options (I would suggest a shot, IUD, or something that doesn’t have to be taken/used daily, bc kids tend to forget.)
That’s just my advice on this situation, feel free to take it or leave it as you will.
i think you should tell explain to her that it’s bad but that she can do whatever she wants, give her the choice and don’t just tell her that it’s bad, explain why it is.
and show her that you’ll support her no matter what, so whatever she does, she reports back to you
and tell her that if anything feels not quite right, not sure, or flat out wrong, then it’s probably wrong, tell her to trust her gut
more importantly, talk to her about consent.
TLDR;explain why the relationship is wrong, make her feel safe and that she has a say in her life, talk to her about consent
For the age gap, you can try to explain by asking what she would think of a 14 yr old boy dating a 11 yr old girl. What kind of expectations would an 11 yr old have vs a 14 yr old? She probably feels mature dating an older boy, but she can use some perspective of what that means for the older boy. The comments about safety and consent are absolutely right. Hopefully comparing the age gap will help her understand how different 3 years can be.
no
She’s a 14 year old eighth grader?
Then yeah it’s not ok.
If she’s a 14 year old freshmen and he’s a 17 year old Junior it’s fine. If he’s a senior and she’s in eighth grade it’s really bad.
Regardless, the issue at those ages is that the older partner tends to be more sexually experienced than the younger one and pushes the younger one to do things they might not be ready for and taking advantage of their age to pressure them into things..
It sounds like she’s throwing herself at him rather than him pressuring her.
There’s also only a 4 month period where the gap is 3 years. It’s 14 and 16 now, and 15 and 17 in September.
I don’t think it will do any good to forbid her or discourage her since she’s “head over heels” as you put it. She’ll just want him more and make up some Romeo and Juliet story in her head, and then she won’t listen to you or your parents anymore.
Just teach her to be safe and take things slow and boys might not respect girls who go too fast. And that she has power but also a responsibility to use it properly i.e. don’t be a cock tease.
Don’t be all “ beware of older boys” because that belittles her and she won’t respond well.