I want to give some context before diving into the issues. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years now. We started dating my senior year of high school (his sophomore year) and I’m now a junior in college. We’ve done long distance ever since I moved 8 hours away in August of 2023.
- Quick note: We both skipped grades in elementary school, meaning I graduated at 16 and him at 17. Yes we’re young age wise, but please note that we’ve been together for 3 years and are both in college
Long distance isnt easy, but our relationship is serious, not surface-level. We trust each other, support each other, and genuinely enjoy being together. We’ve had doubts about the distance, but I’ve never doubted that I love him, and we’ve never broken up or taken a break.
He’s patient, kind, and supportive even when I’m emotionally messy. He encourages me, believes in me, and doesn’t make me prove my worth. Despite being younger than me, I look up to his emotional maturity, determination, and passion. Being with him has helped me become more genuine, less concerned with impressing others, and more connected to my friends and myself.
My relationship with my own family has never been strong. Conversations are often surface-level, focused on grades, money, and appearances. They’ve never provided the support, empathy, or belief in me that my boyfriend consistently does. I’m not putting him above my family because I’m a teenager; I do it because he treats me better than they ever have.
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Main issue:
Really the only long-lasting issue in our relationship has been my family’s judgment. His family is supportive; mine is not. From the start, they dismissed him because he’s younger than me, comes from a different family background, and “doesn’t have the same resources as us.” Both my parents are wealthy and highly educated; his parents work hourly jobs and didn’t go to college.
When we started dating he was 15, and my parents warned me about how he might just want our money since he couldn’t pay for our dates. However at 15, you aren’t old enough to get a drivers license yet, and he wasn’t able to get a job because his family shared one car, and essentially raising his younger siblings while his parents worked opposite shifts.
They nitpicked his hand-me-down clothes, body-shamed him for being skinny (“Don’t you want a real man who can pick you up and swing you around?”), -which by the way, he’s 6 feet tall and only skinny because his family couldn’t afford enough food. And they refuse to engage with his parents because they “aren’t part of our social circle.” They don’t acknowledge his birthday or give him Christmas gifts, they don’t invite him to any dinners or holidays, and they only refer to him by name or my “friend”.
It’s frustrating because all of this ignores who he actually is. He’s smart, responsible, driven, and works tirelessly — paying for college himself, balancing a full-time job, and pursuing his passions. I’ve said before that if my parents met him several years from now, once he’s established in his career, they’d think he’s incredible. But right now, all they see is where he comes from, and that blinds them to the person he truly is.
Someday we plan on getting married, not anytime soon but we’ve been together long enough and are confident in our future. It’s been easier to see each other now that neither of us live with our parents anymore, but I still have to deal with their comments and ignorance. I know they won’t respect my relationship and feelings until they respect me (which I’ve been fighting for my whole life). And it’s getting to the point where I’d rather just not be around them anymore, in the future I wouldn’t want them to dictate our lives, and I wouldn’t want my kids to experience the kind of judgement I grew up with.
TL;DR:
I’ve been with my boyfriend 3 years (long distance since college). We’re serious, but my family refuses to acknowledge that. They dismiss him because he’s younger and from a working-class background, nitpicks everything about him, and refuses to treat him like part of my life. He’s hardworking, smart, and mature — but they can’t see it. I don’t want to choose between him and my family, but it’s getting hard.
Please offer advice, I’ve tried having a real conversation about my feelings but it’s always brushed off. I don’t want to choose between him and my family but it feels like I will have to eventually
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You cannot make them understand or accept something they do not wish to understand or accept. If they were going to come around and accept this relationship, I suspect they would have by now.
So what you’re going to have to do is accept the fact that they are not going to accept him and your relationship with him, and then decide for yourself which is more important to you: your family accepting the person you are with, or you being with this particular guy?
Because you’re not going to be able to have both.
Main concern is you continue to recognize your families toxic behaviour- never forget it
And never become like them – but if they are the people paying to house and educate you right now – there is not much you can do until your financially no longer dependant on
Them also concerning is your BF as you get older ultimately will resent you and this whole scenario might feel emasculating
To him as 80% of marriages fail if the woman is the high income earner – it is something to think about – you both just continue to do the best you can and it is ultimately up to both of you not just you if you wish to continue as the attitude and bullying is abusive behaviour on your parents part and frankly if i were him i would part ways with you eventually as you do marry each others family as well in a serious relationship unless your willing to go no contact or financial support from your parents eventually- what happens when you have kids will they continue to behave and think badly of him ?- and not good examples for your kids either
Hey OP.
You are young and in a very difficult situation. Honestly, it sounds as if both you and your boyfriend are more responsible and mature than your parents are.
As you become an adult you get to a point where you realize that your parents are people, and like every other person in the world, you may or may not like and get along with them and they may or may not like or get along with you. … or with any given thought, opinion, choice or person connected with each other. It’s then up to you to choose who and what gets to continue to be a part of your life.
I wish you the very best.