I (20 F) have been with my boyfriend (21) for two years. We had minor disagreements like most couples, but we worked through them. He even introduced me to his family early on, and everything seemed fine.
After our first year, things became uncertain. He had to temporarily move away, and we weren’t sure if a long-distance relationship would work. So, we decided to break up. During that time, he told his family we had ended things. A short while later, we decided to give the relationship another chance. It’s been a year since then. We did long distance for about six months, but he ended up moving back to my town. He’s been back for four months now.
The issue is he still hasn’t told his parents that we’re back together.
When we first reconciled, he said he wanted to wait and make sure our relationship was stable before telling his family. That felt reasonable, so I didn’t push it. But five months in, while he was still out of town, I brought it up again. He said he’d tell them once he moved back. Okay.
But a month after he returned, I asked again, and he told me he wouldn’t tell them for another year. That threw me off. It was completely different from what he originally said. I could tell he was avoiding it. His reasons kept changing: “It would be awkward,” “there’s no rush,” “it’s not important right now.”
What confused me most is that while he was avoiding this, he was also telling me how serious he was about me, how he saw a future with me. That didn’t sit right. His parents are a big part of his life. They talk every day and see each other often. So it hurts that he chooses to leave out such a significant part of his life: me.
A couple months ago, he told his mom he was spending the day with me like a sort of a “test run.” According to him, she reacted very negatively, saying she didn’t like me and that he “deserves better.” I don’t know why she dislikes me, but I’m not here to win anyone over. Her reaction just confirmed for him that telling them wasn’t a good idea.
Last week, I brought it up again. I told him this was important to me, and that if I really matter to him, he should be willing to stand up for our relationship, especially now that he’s an adult and financially independent. This was his response:
Him: “she doesn’t like you and it would be best to wait for her to calm down and maybe in the future it can be smoothed over. You and my mom are the two most important people in the world.”
Me: “Well it’s important to me that you do this. It has been bothering me.”
Him: “I’m not going to change my mind about this. You either accept it or you don’t.”
Me: “So you’d rather lose me than do this thing that I said is important to me?”
Him: “Well, no, but I don’t know why we can’t just wait on this.”
His parents just bought a house in a nearby city. I think about holidays, family visits, and special occasions. It hurts knowing I may always be hidden or left out of those parts of his life.
Something else happened that really got to me. We were driving together in town when he checked his mom’s location and noticed she was nearby. He suddenly got nervous and told me to slow down. When I asked why, he got defensive. I said, “It felt like you were trying to avoid being seen with me, like I can’t even be in a car with you without it being a problem.” And he snapped: “I don’t care how you feel. I already told you I’m not telling them. What more do you want?”
That moment hit me hard. I shared all of this with some close friends, and they agree it’s a serious issue. If he really did take me seriously, he would’ve told them by now.
To be clear, I know he’s not hiding me from the world and living a double life or some crazy stuff like that. He’s introduced me to all of his friends, I’ve been to his place, and we hang out very often. But when it comes to his parents, he’s completely unwilling to compromise for me, and that’s incredibly painful.
I’m really struggling with how to handle this. I’d love to hear any outside perspective or advice.
TL;DR: Been with my boyfriend for 2 years. After a brief breakup due to long distance, we got back together and have now been together another year. He still hasn’t told his parents we’re back together, even though they’re close and he talks to them daily, because his mom doesn’t like me. He keeps giving vague timelines and avoids the topic, even though he says he’s serious about me. It’s been really hurtful to feel hidden and dismissed when I bring it up. Not sure what to do.
Comments
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Your boyfriend may be an adult in years, but emotionally he is still a child. I wouldn’t bet on him growing up anytime soon, especially if you continue to tolerate his childish behavior.
I think he told them a different version of your breakup, or they know something that you don’t and he wants to keep you two separate so you can’t combine your version of events. He must have told them something awful about you, or made you out to be the bad guy in a breakup that seemed amicable? Lots of people breakup due to distance and it’s not any one persons fault. I think something else went on during that time and he doesn’t want you to know. Me personally, I wouldn’t put up with this, and would either call it quits or call his mom and ask to meet up for coffee without him knowing. A question, have you heard from her personally that she doesn’t like you? Have you seen texts or heard it on the phone? Or is this information all coming from your partners mouth? Because if that’s the case, then I would wager his parents don’t know about you at all and he’s lying about their view of you, as a way to make you feel like you don’t want to bond with them because why would you? they don’t like you, right? I could totally see a dude thinking that would be enough to deter you. I would worry that there’s something else going on and he’s trying to keep you in the dark as long as possible.
His mum won’t magically like you just because he waits longer. It might make it worse, even, when she finds out how long he kept you guys secret. I think he’s either a total Mummy’s boy, unable to put on his big boy pants and stand up for you. OR he’s just with you until something “better” comes along, like his mum said.
Either way, is this someone you want to be with? Choose to put your efforts into someone who also chooses YOU. This guy doesn’t.
They all, including or maybe primarily him, talked mad shit about you after the break up. Make it another break up cause I can’t see being treated like a dirty secret
He probably made up some really heinous things about you and blamed you for the breakup and now he’s afraid to come clean.
This is insane tho. It’s incredibly disrespectful and if he’s willing to lie to his parents and you about something so serious how can you ever trust him
Show up unexpectedly at his parent’s place when he is visiting there. His reaction will tell you what to do next. Either he admits you both are together or it will be a grand shitshow.
Like so unexpectedly that you make sure there’s no tracking device on you, your handbag, car, anything. Have a friend drive you then you don’t need your phone or valet.
He’s an immature boy? Or his parents have other plans for him, cultural differences?
He is not mature enough to be in an adult relationship.
End this and find someone who treats you with respect, compassion, and kindness
He is a liar and is hiding you for a reason you may never know. Open up his life to make some other woman miserable.
He’s probably bad mouthed you to his parents.
What’s he going to do in 12 months if his parents still don’t like you? Wait another 12 months?
How can his parents get to like you if they don’t spend time with you?
I’d be reconsidering my future with someone who’s parents didn’t like me otherwise your life will be he’ll. He needs to stand up to them and tell them he chooses you.