I’ll start with some background, me and my fiance got engaged earlier this year, and we decided we wanted to have a shorter engagement as we were having a small wedding, mind you we had started the wedding process last year.
Me and my fiance have known each other coming on 6 years, and been together for 2. We are both Christian and raised Christian and this somewhat plays a role. She was super keen on the idea of me asking her dad for his permission, and I had some gripes with this, but did. His response was no. Reasons stemmed from how she wasn’t quick to get a job in high school, to how at home she sometimes forgets to do chores. This already was super discouraging but me and her decided to work through this and almost “prove” ourselves to them.
I have a couple problems with this, the first being this “transfer of power” this seems to accomplish. Her mom and dad have a completely dysfunctional relationship with each other, almost to the point you would never even assume they were married. I could count the times on one hand I have seen them show affection, and I wouldn’t have enough fingers to count the times they argue.
My fiancés parents also expect her to act and behave like an adult, without allowing her to make her own choices, think forcing her to buy her own groceries, health supplies, and things like gas and insurance, but refuse to give her freedoms like not a curfew, or in this instance, choosing when she gets married.
Now based on mine and hers discussion, (this is where our faith comes in) and with much wisdom from others we both decided we would go ahead, even without their blessing, they were pretty pissed but at the time we didn’t care, we both have decent jobs, I’m an accountant and she’s a barista, but where I work gives me a discount on rent. (We both live in California). I currently go to college on a full ride, and actually pocket around 6,000 a year from that. Savings and investing is around 25,000 with an average return of 2500 a month since I began trading, and our combined income net is around 6,000. So we have definitely thought this through
Here is the fun stuff, of course there is the dysfunctional family drama, and I mean it. If my fiance even mentions how something good happened in her life even a moment after it happens to her mom, she gets pissed. Claiming she does not involve her in her life. I’ve seen her dad make her cry over something as simple as refusing to get her dinner for the night.
Of course we love each other and wanted to get married because of that, but it was also an escape to an extent.
Now she has a lot of family, the kind of people who I would classify as leaches, people who always input their opinions, yet would refuse to help you if you asked. All of these people sided with her parents claiming we were dishonoring them and hurting them so badly, and I guess it finally got to her. Today she decided to cancel the wedding, after months and months of planning and roughly 20,000 of my money (even though her parents are upper middle class, they refuse to contribute anything to their kids, even their eldest daughter who got married with their permission) down the drain. And yes, we had gotten pre marital counseling as well as have a strong relationship, she said this had nothing to do with us and basically all about her family.
Now I’m torn on what I should be doing, right now it really does feel like I never even want to approach her family, much less develop a relationship or seek permission or approval, so I feel like I am at a crossroads. Stick it put to the end, or do what?
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If you want this to work, you both need moved away from her family. She’s obviously stressed and crumbled under the pressure. Distance is a powerful healer.
20 is young to get married and if you marry her, you’re also stuck with the family. She doesn’t seem at the point she is willing to stand up to them. Personally, this feels like it’s not meant to be and maybe don’t push. Future you might thank you.
You don’t just marry your wife, you marry her whole family.
So you have gone from matrimony to No Matri, No Money!
In my view you spent 20k USD to avoid marrying someone who can’t think for herself and into a family that’s dysfunctional and toxic.
Let’s say, had you got over the approval part and got married. Did you expect the interference and the control they exert on her to diminish or stop?
I think you dodged a bullet and the only mistake you can make now is to go ahead with the marriage in case she flip-flops again.
Take the 20k loss as a learning (like a trading loss)…. and frankly you are too young to commit to something as a big as marriage right now. Restart your dating life, meet new people and then live with your chosen partner for a while before you decide to get into holy matrimony!
I’m sorry you are going through this. Obviously it is disheartening and frustrating if only for the financials.
>but it was also an escape to an extent
This is one of the big pivots though. Yes, it is an escape… but she isn’t ready for that. I don’t doubt she loves you but that doesn’t mean love is strong enough to break free of a lifetime of parental conditioning and family peer pressure. I really do think it is all about the family but I worry it also paints a pretty clear picture that it will always be about the family. I think you know it will never be enough, nothing she ever does will truly be approved, no amount of distance she ever tries to establish will ever be healthy for her because she will never be able to let them go and it’s clear they don’t want to let her go either.
And honestly, you have to get very real about what that means for a life with her. Forget just processing the pain of this absolute mess right now, this is likely always going to be the case. It will always be about the ways they control and hurt her and you’ll be jerked around as an extension of that, heck they probably like that aspect too.
Why do they want her to stay home? What are they getting out of it? Because her forgetting to do chores sometimes is not a reason to not give a blessing. If you want to marry her you’re going to have to get her to understand her family is manipulative. You are the one as the man in a Christian family who is supposed to be ‘evaluated’ for a blessing from the father, NOT her. It’s supposed to be a way to make sure your daughter is going to a good man who will not abuse her or the like. Not that she is a person who forgets things like normal people or wanted to focus on her studies instead of getting a job. And this is coming from a woman raised fundamentalist Baptist and my uncle has his own church he started and is the pastor of. They are using this as some way for control, because nothing else makes sense. Does she give them a portion of her income? Does she care for younger siblings? Because this makes no sense to me.
I would sue her for the money you lost and find someone who doesn’t have a curfew.
They wouldn’t pay, and I assume why she cancelled, is they actually were very upfront that their daughter was not yet ready for marriage and they were strongly opposed and hated you (that feeling seems to be mutual). It sounds like she still lives with them, so I’m not sure why you are surprise that this wedding you personally pushed fell through. You could try suing her father for the $20K, but that is probably a waste of time and money. Let it go. Finish school (you called yourself an accountant, but that’s your major, right? You are still in school you cannot have your CPA yet, it’s not clear if you are actually working or just investing your savings, sounds like the latter.) Be patient. I’m guessing your heavy hints about Christianity was a nod that you both were waiting. Decide if you want to keep waiting. Most Christians don’t wait, you know. Do the math, you are good at it.
She needs to grow up more before she gets married. I don’t love that she lost her backbone. Give yourself time and meet other people and learn who you are. 20 is too young. You would be marrying the entire family. There’s no real point to continuing this relationship with her. She made her decision. Cut contact for a few months and decide what you really want. If you decide to marry her one day, just elope. But I’d give you both a few years until you reconsider marriage. I know break ups suck but they also get better eventually. Take time and give yourself some clarity.
You’re 20 and you’re returning 10% a month? That compounds to 213% return per year? With 25,000 starting, you’ll be a millionaire in 3 years and a billionaire in 10 years. Maybe start planning what to call your space program?
Yeah I can see this not working even if they gave their blessing.
From reading your post you come off as the immature side of 20 and thinking that getting married is playing house.
I can completely understand why her parents said what they said, she and you need to learn to be an adult with adult responsibilities.
It sounds like she had a good think after pre martial counselling and realised this isn’t a cute game but a legal commitment and she’s not ready. The most mature thing I read in the post
Move on. She clearly isn’t grown up enough to make grown folks decisions on her own. Her parents will always play a part in her decisions so it’s better to move on
Just be patient, it will work out just be patient
Marrying right now sounds like a terrible idea