We’ve been together about a year and after some challenging relationships I was so happy to be with someone who shows up for me and puts in as much effort as I do in relationships. I love to do thoughtful things for my partner like surprise him with gifts, give him massages, cook dinner, etc. for the first 4 months he was very attentive and loving, always trying to plan things, complimenting me, baking for me, etc and it meant a lot.
He had moved somewhere an hour from me , his friends, and his family and I went to travel for around 6 weeks and at this point he got extremely depressed realizing how isolated he was from everyone- I had been the one primarily driving to visit him. He felt very lonely and additionally, his work was becoming much more demanding and he was typically working 9am-8pm (finance). He held out for work to get slower after tax season and it hasn’t. He works constantly and feels overwhelmed by how little time he has for himself and has become much more emotionally unavailable and less affectionate. He did move back to be closer to everyone and this has helped a little.
The amount of effort he puts in has really dwindled all the time and I feel like I am constantly doing nice things to try and support him or make him happier but he doesn’t have the energy to do the same. I know it’s conditional, but I want the same in return. He used to always make me feel really special and I don’t even feel like he’s in love with me anymore. We’ve had conversations about it and he says he’s just burnt out and depressed but will try and make an effort. Right now his effort looks like being able to disconnect from work and watch a movie with me.
As someone who definitely pours into relationships, this has been hard and I’ve definitely started to detach a little because I feel like my needs have been neglected a lot in our relationship. I still have strong friendships, hobbies, work 2 jobs, and am applying to grad school so I have my own life and everything but at this point I feel more like I’m single or we’re friends than in a relationship because he doesn’t seem to have the capacity to show up for me with how much attention and energy he pours into work. I’d say he’s working about 60-70 hour weeks right now and hasn’t previously dealt with this so is having a hard time adjusting.
But where does that leave me?
I’ve heard the saying that level of effort aren’t always even and there are different times where more is required but this feels challenging for me and I am close to leaving the relationship if it continues.
How do you know when to give up on someone even if you love them?
TLDR; Boyfriend 25m is depressed and burnt out, leaving him with no energy for our relationship which is very hard for me. Feel like my effort is never reciprocated and I no longer feel special, desired, or loved.