I am about to turn 22 next month. I want to start off by saying that my entire life, I was always a good kid. I only ever did as I was told, never drank, never got into drugs, never snuck out, never partied. I always followed the rules no matter what. While I did not live with grandparents (grandma 77F, grandfather/abuelo 80M) growing up, I did go to their house incredibly frequently and they were fully aware of what a good kid I was. Even in college, I did not engage in the party scene.
I just graduated from college in May and decided to move in with my grandparents because there are better job opportunities for me there than where my parents live (my family moved from our original state where my grandparents live back in 2018). Now I fully understand that they are my grandparents and that they are going to worry about me, but I feel that it is getting way too out of hand. They make me ask permission before leaving the house because of how afraid they are of me getting hurt. It gets too be far too much sometimes. I recently could tell I had a yeast infection and desperate needed to be seen by a doctor. I checked planned parenthood’s openings for 3 days straight and they finally had a last minute opening for the next day. I told my grandmother and said I would take an uber there. She freaked out as soon as I mentioned Uber. She immediately shut the idea down and said that not only does she not trust it but she also doesn’t want me spending the money. I had to remind her multiple times how much pain I was in and begged her to just let me go. It took so much convincing but she finally let me uber, but made me update her over text every step of the way.
As mentioned earlier, I was a good kid growing up. I have a friend in this state who I consider my cousin because she is the daughter of my mom’s childhood fiend. Thus, my grandparents have also known her for her whole life. She was telling me about the clubbing scene in the area and we made plans to go out. I told my grandparents that I wanted to go out and told them that I was with her so I’d be completely fine. They lectured me over and over and told me to limit myself to two drinks and to be back by 11. I told them that I felt that wasn’t fully fair and that since my friend would be driving we’d be fine. My grandma eventually agreed to let me stay out later. Now while I did not get home until 2:30am, my friend and I updated her along the way via text the entire time. We said things like “we are at still out” and “we are ubering back to (friend’s name)’s house and then she will drive me home.” Nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Apparently, my grandfather was full blown panicking from the moment I left. When I got home, he was sitting in the kitchen waiting for me. He said “Do you know what time it is?!” I told him everything was fine but he was still angry. I found out the next morning that even after I got home, he couldn’t sleep the entire night because of how worried he still was.
Yes, I was out late, but I communicated everything with them and I was with a trusted person, and I’ve never even done anything bad to make him so worried about me. Another incident happened yesterday morning when I found a last minute concert ticket to a band I really like. I knew exactly how to get there via the train and how I’d get back. My mom even offered to pay me back for the ticket as an early birthday gift. I told my grandma everything and explained the entire train routes and how I’d get back and should be home by midnight. She really did not want me going at all saying she was too scared of “homeless people and drug addicts” who live in the area of where the train stations are. It took so much convincing to let her agree, but it got to the point of her yelling. She insisted that she would pick me up from the train station at the end of the night but was angry she would have to go out so late. I told her I could uber from the train station to her house, but she immediately shut that idea down, once again afraid.
Now I want to say, I am INCREDIBLY grateful my grandparents are letting me live with them. It’s just I’ve been so close to them my whole life and I never imagined they would worry this much. I talked to my mom about it multiple times and she says they are not going to change. How do I navigate this situation? How can I deal with them feeling the need to be on top of everything and being so controlling? My grandma also insists on knowing my exact location at all times. I want to be able to live with them and make it work, but I also want to be able to experience my twenties and have fun. Even my other family members say they are being too strict even if it is their house.
Things also got even worse earlier today when I was telling her about some pubs near my job that I want to check out, but she freaked out again and drove by every single pub and told me that I was not allowed to go to end of them. She says that going to bars is a bad habit that she says I need to stop and she wishes I never got into it in the first place. Everyone else in my life insists that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me wanting to go out and they don’t understand why she is being this way.
TL:DR: despite nearly turning 22, my grandparents are absolutely terrified of me getting hurt everywhere and do not trust me to go out on my own. They panic every time I am out to the point where they will stay up for hours worrying about me. The thing is, I’m good. I follow the rules. I update them all the time on where I am and always ask permission before leaving, and it hurts that they still don’t trust me enough to go.
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Someone asked in another sub why I didn’t just use OTC medication for the infection, I am one of those people who gets these infections regularly, and the OTC version does not work on me. Only the prescription pill has helped.
Their anxieties are their problem.
Dont take it personally that they don’t trust you – it’s not that they don’t trust you, it’s that they have anxieties and are using controlling you as their medicine to self treat it.
What would happen if you just told grandma – I’m going out, I’ll be back before dinner, bye! And just left? Would they kick you out for good? Or would they just get really really annoying? Because you can keep doing what you want to do and tune out their annoying ness (which they will probably pull back on once they learn that it doesn’t get them the relief they want).
First step is a GIANT “information diet” for both of them.
Second step is “GRAY ROCK TECHNIQUE.”
Google both of these things and get to work!
You’re living in their house for free I’m assuming so you need to abide by their rules. You shouldn’t be making them worry like that. They’re old and the constant worrying about you isn’t good for their health. Save up for your own place too.
You’re an adult! You don’t need to ask for permission to leave the house, or to beg her to let you go somewhere. She doesn’t want you to spend the money? Tough shit Grandma, you’re doing it anyway. Stop telling them things. Or hell, lie. No more Ubers, you’re getting a ride from a friend. Or tell them the truth, let them feel anxious, but do your completely normal things anyway.
Grandma can “insist” and you can say “no Grandma, because then you go off the deep end, so I’m not telling you stuff any more. If that means you’re going to make me move out, OK, but then you’ll never know where I am or what I’m doing. I’m sorry that you worry, I’ll accommodate that up to a point, but you’re demanding too much and it’s not reasonable. I’m an adult, living an entirely normal, safe, adult life. I’ll happily discuss some compromises that we’re both happy with, but if you’re just going to freak out at me about things then I just won’t tell you. If I can’t trust you to react in a calm way, then you can’t trust me to be honest with you. I want to be honest with you, but you need to get a handle on your anxiety instead of trying to control my behaviour.”
Ultimately though they probably won’t change. So all you can do is either a) give into them about everything, b) ignore them, or c) move out. Stop buying into the premise that because they’re worried, you somehow have to do something different. You don’t.
You need to move out on your own asap as this living arrangement isn’t good for your personal growth.
Until then, put them on an information diet. They don’t need to know everything. Don’t tell them things that they can use against you later.
You’re officially an adult. You don’t have to ask permission to do anything. Just tell them you’re leaving, that you’ll be back later and then you leave.
If you think they’d be receptive to a conversation about how you’re an adult and you need to “spread your wings” and live your life without their interference then give that a try.
But ultimately the best solution would be you moving out to live your life.
I mean, everyone’s saying ‘you’re an independent adult’ and that’s right, you are an adult now, but sometimes that means making hard decisions and sacrifices. You can’t change them or their reactions to what you’re doing, so you have an adult decision to make – continue to do whatever you want to do, and probably hurt your relationship with them; do what they want you to do, and therefore don’t get to do what YOU want to do; or move out.
It’s up to you which you choose. If you choose the first option, I would advise you pick your battles – because you’re an adult wanting free housing in a place you also want to live in, which comes at the ‘cost’ of maintaining a good relationship with your grandparents. That will mean making the adult decision and sometimes sacrificing what you want to do.
So yes, not being able to take an Uber to get a prescription is ridiculous and worth fighting, but having a curfew might be part of the sacrifice you make as a trade for free housing where you want to be living. Be diplomatic if it’s important to them – so for the curfew for example, negotiate the time but don’t outright say ‘I’m not having a curfew’ (I mean you can but again you want the housing, right?)
Toe the line sometimes and fight others. It’s up to you what you sacrifice and what you don’t, but remember as an adult free housing is a HUGE luxury and not one you are ‘owed’, so it’s worth keeping somewhat in the good books with your grandparents.