So, my bf of 4 years was staying in my house yesterday, we had a wonderful day all by ourselves, the problem comes when we were getting ready to sleep and started having a stupid argument over a stupid thing.
I think we were brushing our teeths and I decided to wash my face, I use a special soap for acne and he was confused by this because in his own words: “I only use water to wash my face” at first, I thought he was mocking me or ragebaiting me, so I started laughing at it and told him it was gross and I wouldn’t believe him, however, we decided to ask our friends in our group chat, when some of them (only men btw) started saying that they barely wash their faces, I realised he wasn’t joking and he really thought it was hilarious to use soap, I feel grossed and worst of all, when we were texting in the group chat I couldn’t help but feel he was not laughing with me but laughing at me, in that instant I feel really angry, I confronted him, told him he was filthy and asked him to get up of my bed and let me alone for a second.
From this point everything goes downhill.
He got really mad and yelled at me asking me what was my problem and the sudden switch of mood, I think I understand it from his POV now but I was really angry, I told he was making fun of me for a stupid thing because he also started talking about how much ‘unnecessary products’ I use for my hair and my face (mind you, I only use like two creams) and I just felt it came out of nowhere.
Finally the fight was getting so heated he just throw his phone hard out of anger, the phone flew across the room and hit me badly. Silence. He knew he screwed it. He started apologising immediately. I was in shock. I couldn’t say a word. I remember my first thought instinctively was ‘I hope it didn’t hit my cat’. The cat was okay. I look at my boyfriend in total disbelieve. He keeps apologising. I started crying as he was approaching me. I feel the urge to tell him to leave but it was the middle of the night. I did not want him to go all alone at midnight and I knew he was feeling bad so it would get worse if we don’t settle things down in that moment. While I was having all these thoughts all he did was saying sorry, that it was an accident, he didn’t want to. When I finally could speak I told him “it’s okay” he answered: “no, it’s not okay” I knew it wasn’t, I felt like shit. From this point it’s just a whole night of him saying sorry multiple times and me telling him it was okay, we talked, we said sorry to each other for getting mad at such a stupid thing, he told me that it wouldn’t happen again, that it shouldn’t happen. I told him it was okay and that we will get over it. But to be honest I’m not sure if I can get over it. We watched something to distract ourselves while we were hugging and crying a bit, we feel asleep, he leave early in the morning after a short goodbye, a dry and empty goodbye. I went to bed again feeling like shit and I’ve been awake since 2 hours, reliving the moment and crying.
Now I don’t know what to do, I feel like if my whole world was ending right now, I don’t think we can act the same after that, but I was thinking about asking him for a small break, however the timing it’s not the best, some friends of us come to town and we have a summer trip in a month, what should I do? This never happened before and it’s the first time we ever came across this situation.
TL;DR: My bf and I had a pointless argument about washing your face with soap, we got angry, he throw his phone and hit me badly, he apologised and we both feel terribly about it, now I don’t feel the same about him.
Should I ask him for a break? Should we try figuring things together? What do I do?
Comments
You’re saying “accidental”, but you don’t accidentally throw something in a person’s direction and hit them with it. That was pretty intentional. And you really need to get out of this relationship.
Can you imagine if there was a big issue that came up if he acted this way about face washing? He can’t control himself.
Don’t stay with this guy. He apologized, but it will escalate. It will happen again. Please get out of this relationship.
Isn’t this how a lot of domestic abuse starts?? I think you should take a break from all this. The fact that he couldn’t stay in the morning and apologise properly and take care of you after he hit you is crazy to me. Abusers started by apologising in the beginning the victims stayed and it got worse. Personally, I think you should leave but it’s up to you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone. Listen to your gut. Leave him.
There’s a strong chance this won’t be the last time.
What happened before wasn’t just a bad moment; it was emotional abuse.
I know you’re hoping to find another way, to hold on to him without losing yourself, but this isn’t what healthy love looks like, I promise.
Today he throw the phone. What will he throw next?
Someone who won’t even think for a second that you could get hurt. And that’s coming from himself.
It really boils down to would someone throwing a phone or punching a wall out of anger be a relationship ender for you.
It’s not really about what you were fighting over because you say multiple times that you approached him angrily.
So i would say: in any circumstance would you consider a relationship partner throwing a phone, hitting a wall, or breaking a plate a relationship ending action; because then that makes it about the response not the fight that preceded it?
You witnessed him “lose control” and then fawned to make yourself feel safe. You had a very normal reaction to a very upsetting and scary situation.
Your gut and your words were not aligned after the fight. You didn’t feel safe, and you still don’t feel safe. You’re saying “it’s okay* out of fear. If he’s capable of throwing an expensive phone at you, what else is he capable of?
I bet there have been other red flags you’ve ignored. When he started making fun of you for using face wash, that wasn’t the first time he tried to belittle you and make you feel small. That’s why you tried to fawn and laugh it off. That’s why your anger brewed when he didn’t let it go. He’s likely made other hurtful “jokes” in the past.
You couldn’t take it. You couldn’t take him. You tried to stand up for yourself in a small way with your words, you were more forceful then usual, but he didn’t like that. I think he enjoys when you take it. I think he likes pissing you off.
He’ll be extra good to you – for now. This will not be an isolated incident though. Maybe it will be months from now, but it will probably happen again. I think you should trust your gut and leave.
He deliberately threw the phone. Therefore, it was not accidental. Throwing the phone is in itself an act of violence. He’s right, it is not okay.
The man threw a phone at you over soap. What will happen when it’s something more serious?
End it now. Forget about out of town guests and trips. Your forgiveness would be the start of a cycle of abuse.
You are super right to be worried. Calling him filthy because you were self conscious probably didn’t help but the fact is, he should have controlled himself enough to not throw his phone. This COULD have been a mistake, but it seems like he intentionally threw his phone and then realize there could be consequences. That is a really childish and dangerous personality trait so you’re gonna have to decide if that’s what you want in your life. My dad threw stuff when he was mad but he always directed it somewhere else(still abusive but like doesn’t hurt when you laugh at their inability to control their own emotions) so it was fine for me to deal with. Your BF seems unable to think before acting so if I were you, I’d leave. You don’t need to be around that situation so leave and find someone who uses words to disagree with you instead of actions.
How is that an accident? He deliberately threw his phone straight at you.
I think you should break up. Any form of violence is unacceptable.