I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (21M) for around three and a half years now but have known him for around six years. He is my best friend and I have been with him long enough to know that I love him just as much as I love the rest of my family. I’m extremely close with my parents and younger brother I couldn’t imagine a life without them. So I’m desperate for advice.
Around two months or so ago my boyfriend quit his job working as a lube tech for a Chevy dealership. My dad got him this job because he was friends with the person who runs it and because my boyfriend didnt know what he wanted to do for a career he figured he try it out since his hobby and passion is cars and tinkering with them. He was really good at it and worked hard doing it but ultimately the time and work spent doing it was not worth the $1900 he brought home in one month. He lives with his parents who charge him rent and he also takes care of everything else like insurance and gas and all of that. He’s on his own but still in his childhood home. On the job he spoke with other people in the profession that have been mechanics for a long time and they all told him to leave and it’s not worth it they wish they could go back because they aren’t getting paid enough to survive without getting a second job. Since this job was meant to be a career choice for him rather than just another job he decided to leave and find something else to do while he could before he was in It too deep. I was disappointed by this outcome but I ultimately agreed with him, his hobby was no longer his passion. So he quickly applied for a job in business sales to try that out because he’s really outgoing and out of 300 applicants, he got hired. Neither me or my boyfriend told my parents about this until after he had quit and was about to start his new job. When my parents found out they were pissed, more pissed than anything I’ve ever seen. They were upset that we didn’t tell them he was even considering leaving and that we didn’t say anything when he asked about how his job was going (both me and my boyfriend were too scared to say anything which I know is pathetic but we were). My dad felt that he should have talked to him first about it considering he got him the job and my dad considered to be my boyfriends mentor of sorts considering his dad isn’t much of any help in guiding him. We both apologized for not telling them from the start but that we were even more sorry for not telling them when they asked about how his job was going and my dad was even bragging about how he was doing so well because at that particular time my dad’s truck blew a tire and my boyfriend practically saved the day for him. Anyways we both apologized during seperate conversations. My dad was quick to forgive me considering I’m his daughter and the first born at that so in his eyes I can do no wrong and anything I do wrong I was corrupted by someone to do it🙄.
During his conversation with my boyfriend though apparently he told my boyfriend that he’s never liked him, he thinks he is immature for his age while I am wise beyond my years, he wishes I wasn’t with him and if he could choose he would have me break up with him because he felt that he was ruining our family dynamic. I obviously was upset to hear that my dad said this to him because I always thought he was a kind person and wouldn’t be so harsh to another young person like that. My boyfriend was obviously hurt by that considering my dad has always made an effort to be nice to him before and now saying he’s never liked him my dad sounds fake. When I confronted my dad about this and what he had said to my boyfriend he made it sound like he either didn’t say it or it didn’t sound as bad. So when I said well my boyfriend is hurt by your words he doesn’t want to come by the house and honestly I don’t blame him because I wouldn’t want to either if I had those things said to me. And my dad said that well he should come by anyways because staying away will make it worse. I asked how he expected us to just forget about this dumpster fire and he said that in the real world people just continue on like it didn’t happen in order to build back trust (he said he couldn’t trust me or my boyfriend anymore because we lied to them and that trust had to be built back). And that’s literally what they have been doing. Every time my boyfriend comes around they are all smiles acting like nothing happened. Well my boyfriend is still hurt and doesn’t feel welcome even though my parents want him to come by. On one hand I’m mad at my dad for reacting the way he did and saying those things and on the other hand I’m upset that boyfriend has no desire to come over to my house to spend time with my family and made it clear to me that unless I somehow convince him he does not want to try and fix anything with my dad. I feel stuck in the middle of all of this mess not knowing what to do. I need to know if I need to confront my dad about what he said and ask him to apologize to my boyfriend or if that’s not the right move and try to somehow convince my boyfriend to act fake like my parents are. Having never experienced this I don’t know who is right or who is wrong if my boyfriend is being sensitive (which I don’t think he is) or if my dad needs to fully apologize. I don’t want to blindly think my parents are always right and risk my relationship but I also have my parents thinking that he’s bad for me and needs to mature. I don’t know what’s right anymore.
TL;DR my boyfriend is hurt by my dad’s words saying he doesn’t like him and never has and now my boyfriend won’t come to my house unless it’s absolutely necessary. My dad doesn’t think he’s wrong. I don’t know what to do.
Comments
It wasn’t a good look for your boyfriend to quit a job that your dad got for him after only a few months- that puts the employer in a rough position and shows that your bf isn’t dependable. Regardless though, it happened, so now you have to deal with the fallout. Your dad has revealed his true feelings about your partner, and now you can never go back to your parents liking him. If having someone who is liked by your family is important, then you should end things with this guy.
If your dad did help him get the job, and your dad ask a friend for a favor, then he should’ve been consulted before leaving, so it could be done properly without damaging your dad’s reputation.
Quitting a job before having another job is just a dumb idea.
These are jobs, not careers. The jobs are easy to replace someone, and unstable on the best of days. A career is a trade, military, or a position that requires a college degree. Hourly jobs that have no requirements might be a paycheck, but it’ll never be a stepping stone for becoming independent and living on your own.
Holy cow. Have you thought that maybe the reason you were afraid to say something to begin with was because you had some inkling they’d respond this way? Your parents are vile. I wouldn’t spend time with them anymore if they think the way they behave is normal or even okay
Your dad is an asshole. No people in the real world don’t just move on. That’s some nasty ass boomer mentality. If he can’t grow up, be adult and apologize, I would legit go low contact. I know you live at home so not so easy but I would go to your bfs place WAY more and give your dad the cold shoulder. Not ok to act that way. If he gets mad, that’s his fault. Welcome to the consequences of your actions. You can’t say that shit to my man and think imma just act like all is cool. Nothing is cool. Yeah it would’ve been better to be upfront from the beginning but I also get why you said it after the fact. They had a right to be a bit upset but your dad’s reaction is very much not ok and he has to apologize. He can’t expect things to be normal after acting that way. Absurd.
If someone I recommended to a job made me look bad I wouldn’t like them either. And it is normal to fake nice with someone you dislike is around but you have to deal with them. Like work or your kids SO.
So you choice is either deal with it, or cut one of the two parties off.
your dad used his reputation as a favor to your boyfriend and your boyfriend stomped all over that. Of course your dad is upset and he will never put himself out for him again. He did that favor out of love for you. You are both really young and don’t quite have enough life experience to understand how much your name and reputation matters in this world.