So as the title says, my girlfriend doesn’t satisfy me in bed. We’ve been together for almost a year now, and started having sex about 4 months in. At first it started off with oral, hand jobs, etc. It wasn’t until 3 months ago that we began having penetrative sex. From the start I realized she wasn’t really great at oral. But, I loved her enthusiasm and I found it attractive so me not finishing didn’t bother me as much. I explained it away as me just being nervous because I have anxiety. I even convinced myself of this. But, eventually I started literally thinking about how unsatisfying it was in the middle of her going down on me. To the point where I’d find ways to stop her, and redirect it to me pleasing her. So at least one of us was getting off.
It didn’t actually upset me until we started being more and more sexually active with each other for longer periods of time. It was like the more often I made her finish the less concerned she was about me finishing.
[For context- I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve finished while having sex with her. And half of those were because I ended up just doing it myself to get it done.]
After we started penetrative sex, she was very enthusiastic. Who was on top would alternate so it was about 50/50. I’d say we were equally doing the work when it came to penetrative sex and for me it was finally something that felt great. But, recently she’s stopped doing anything. It’s like she really wants to have sex, but she doesn’t want to do the work. She likes what I do and wants me to do all the work with her doing minimal effort. So for the past 2 months. Everytime we’ve had sex, it’s been me making her cum at least 4 times. Which is understating it (not saying this as a flex, but to make my point more clear). Meanwhile she has done nothing to get me off. Once she finishes enough times she goes “let’s take a break” and then after she cools off we repeat her cumming a couple times and then so on and so forth until either I’m too tired to keep going or she is. We usually go for over an hour consistently. In all that time, I’ll ask her to get on top, and suddenly that’s when she “needs a couple minutes”. Or she’ll just kinda ignore that I said that. She doesn’t perform oral anymore. She doesn’t give handjobs. Everything we do in bed is to make her finish and if I once in a generation end up finishing it’s not intentional on her part. She’s like “oh okay” and I almost feel embarrassed.
So not only is she not particularly good in bed, but she also has stopped putting effort in. (Keep in mind, she makes jokes to her friends about how good she is in bed. And can come off kinda braggy in our personal discussions about our sex life while I’m just there like “Yeah no, you only think we have amazing sex because I’m dedicated to your pleasure as I should be and happen to be good at what I do. You do like damn near nothing.”)
It’s getting to the point where sex sometimes feels like a chore and if I think about how she acts in bed too much I feel kinda used. In other aspects of our relationship she’s great. But, in this one? I think it’s causing my sexual attraction to her to lessen and I’m worried it’s bleeding into my interest in her in general. I’ve been wanting to talk to her less, and she’s feeling more and more like a best friend I’m very emotionally attached rather than my partner that I have an intimate mental, emotional, and sexual bond with.
Long story short. My girlfriend isn’t too skilled in bed, and now seems only concerned with her own pleasure. How do I bring this up?
EXTRA CONTEXT!!!
Me and her had a conversation recently. In this convo we talked about the importance of sex in a relationship. Where I mentioned off handedly that I think it matters. In the beginning of our relationship, I agreed to wait to have sex because in my opinion, it wasn’t a top priority and I prioritized her comfortability. Fast forward to present day, she said it “didn’t matter.” I responded saying that wasn’t really true as once sex is introduced into a relationship it then becomes a big factor in the relationship, maybe not the biggest factor but to say it isn’t one seemed like blissful ignorance. I remember immediately giving a bit of a taken aback reaction to her opinion on this. Because of course she doesn’t consider it a big thing. She doesn’t have to really think much about it past the point of when she wants it she gets it and it satisfies her greatly. It felt like a blatant lie. Because she’s consistently intentionally turning our regular conversations into sexual ones. To the point where I had to tell her to back off a bit because it damn near feels predatory the way she’s constantly doing it even when I’m clearly not in the mood. (Another sign that something is very off because in any other relationship I could not imagine myself reacting this way to my partner getting sexual.)
So her stating that sex didn’t matter felt like genuine BS when I know the reality of our relationship. Also as for the her talking to her friends about her sex life. We have a couple friends who are in relationships and we kinda call speak pretty openly about our sex lives. Judgement free of course. I made a joke about doing a lot of the “giving” in bed. Not as a dig but because it’s just the truth. She then laughed and SO confidently disagreed in front of our friends and I had to fight the urge to address it right there and then.
Comments
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Omg, please stop focusing on lust and focus on your career.
You are at a ripe and valuable age.
I understand love is important but your entire concentration should be on school and building yourself.
A high value man has control on lust/sex.
It’s time for a sit down and talk it out with her, relationships sometimes have really hard talks and this has to be one of them, if you talk it out and still no change, cut your losses, you deserve pleasure too
You have to have this talk with her if you want the relationship to get better. There are aids to make it easier to get a guy off (ex: the fun factory manta vibrating stroker improves oral and hand jobs if they’re physically hard for her).
Maybe she should get you off before you get her off. I know that’s usually the arrangement women have, but in your case it also seems to fit. By the time anyone has orgasmed a bunch of times (men or women) they typically are too drained to keep going for the long haul.
After you talk with her (which is the single most important thing here) if she doesn’t improve, it will show you where her priorities are. You’re not obligated to continue a relationship with a person who doesn’t care about getting you off.
Seriously though, I can’t recommend the manta enough. It’s a game changer for guys who take longer to get there, and for women who don’t have the skills/stamina and need some extra help.
Dude just tell her
If you’re losing interest then you really have nothing to lose
I think there’s a way you can bring it up without coming across as mean or accusatory. I’d just ask her genuinely how she’d feel if she was constantly making you finish, and you weren’t giving her the attention she needed to help her finish too. Sex should be enjoyable for both of you, and while climax doesn’t always have to be the goal, it isn’t fair if she gets to finish multiple times and you don’t.
Sex is really important in most romantic relationships, it’s how you stay in tune with each others’ bodies. If you’re paying attention to her needs, it’s only fair that she does the same for you. Let her know you want to feel closer to her, and try to get more comfortable at expressing what you want during sex. Ask her to do things that will get you off, she’ll do them if she wants to. If she really doesn’t, then you guys probably aren’t compatible and should go your separate ways.
She’s a selfish lover. You should switch it up and make sure you have an orgasm first before she has hers. If not it’s totally fine to move on.
There’s not much you can do without having and honest conversation with her
This is not rocket science. Talk with her. Point blank.
If you are looking to be with someone for the long run communication is key. This is something that requires you both to sit and talk and for you to be able to open up about how you feels and felt about the sex life, I will also say if her comments have made you feel any sort of way broth that yo also. In the end it comes down to been able to communicate and if you cannot then not sure you have a strong relationship, communication is key and must to have a good relationship even if the communication isn’t there both you and her have to willing to communicate and work on it otherwise your best to cut your losses and move on.
Most people are a bit self centred. If you ain’t telling them you’re not happy, they’ll just know they’re happy and assume you’re happy because you ain’t saying anything.
Problem can arise if they don’t understand you. You tell them, and instead of thinking “What the hell have I’ve been doing, I’ve been so selfish!” they might think “You were always happy about this before, why the hell are you suddenly making all these demands? Are you calling me lazy?”
And that’s where the argument starts if you don’t go in with the mindset to keep an absolutely cool head. Put your horses in a row, and consider what you want to say, and make sure that you have control of your annoyance before you bring it up. Since you’re initiating the discussion, this’ll fall almost squarely on you, I’m afraid. She’ll be at least a little bit blind sided, and that’s gonna mean uncertainty, which is gonna mean defensiveness.
As always, remember that it ain’t a fight to win. Her inconsideration has hurt you, and when you’re hurt, part of you is gonna think you’re in a fight. Make sure that part of you keeps out of it.
Sounds like you’re not very compatible if sex is so important to you.