TL;DR
My boyfriend has a friend who is a woman that in highschool he sent sexually explicit pictures back and forth to each other and flirted and had a short lived relationship. Now they text multiple times a week and are still best friends. It makes me very upset, mad, and sick and I want to know ways to be able to cope better and be an adult about it.
My (22F) bf (21M) has a female friend. They’ve been friends since middle school or high school and met online. They’ve never met in person. He says this is his best friend and at one point it was his only friend. We’ve been dating for 1 1/2 years now.
At the first time I learned about her he was weird. He wouldn’t tell me her name because he insisted he didn’t want me to go “psycho” or over react. He kept things secretive and sneaky. Made me aware he had a friend and they talked frequently but I couldn’t know who because I wouldn’t like it. Then I found out it was a girl. Eventually I found out more and more information. That this was his best friend and they’ve been friends for a long time.
That she was actually upset because he wasn’t calling her at night anymore cause he was calling me. Get the gist? It made me feel sick, but she didn’t do anything wrong, and she had a fiance and a wedding planned soon and I was a new gf at the time so who was I to say anything about a friend in his life that existed before me? I wasn’t even upset at all about him having a friend who was a woman, I was upset because of how he assumed I was going to be ultra jealous and crazy if he did… which now I know why he thought I might.
The relationship goes on and I learn more. That they actually dated. And sexted. And flirted. Before they sexted and dated they flirted for about a month through text and calls. When they made it official it only lasted 1 week … before she started dating someone else in real life. Her now husband.
Her husband who my boyfriend very frequently states that he does not like for various reasons such as: lack of facial expressions, doesn’t laugh enough, cold, weird
Besides that. During the peak of their friendship they spoke daily. all day. Now they talk multiple times a week. I just feel sick. And now she’s having issues with her husband and they’re having marital problems.
I know it’s incredibly insecure to be upset over sexting and pictures sent probably during junior year of highschool which is 4/5 years ago at this point and I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask my boyfriend to cut his best friend off.
I wish I could just never hear her name and forget she exists, but then I know he’s just always talking to her likely about everything. I don’t even know what they DO talk about now. I don’t read text messages. It’s an invasion of privacy.
I just feel myself get irrationally mad. I’ve told him many times when he talks to me about her and what she’s doing that I hate her. Hate hate her. Pretty much everytime he brings her up I remind him how much I despise even just her name.
Things just hit a wall for me today when the topic of inviting her to our imaginary future wedding. He asked if she would be invited. I said absolutely not and that I would probably cause a scene if I saw her at my wedding. It really made me think and look back and realize: I want this woman no where near me or my relationship and my boyfriend wants her at the wedding likely as a groomsman.
I genuinely just want to be an adult about this. I don’t wanna be mad or angry or resentful anymore. I don’t wanna feel sick. It all happened in high school and we’re adults now and she isn’t even in the same state and she’s married.
They’ve never even met in person. There is people who have full on had sex with their friends and can still chill in a room with their partners and be fine with each other. I wanna be chill like that and not crabby when she’s brought up.
Comments
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If you want my initial reaction on your behaviour.
It’s childish and screams insecurity. Picture your best friend. Imagine if your boyfriend told you he hated that person, that he wouldn’t want them at the wedding and that he got angry everytime their name was mentioned.
If the gender roles were reversed, this Reddit would be carrying the pitchforks already most likely.
As for what you can do. Try to gain more confidence. Work on yourself, learn new skills, bond with your boyfriend on levels that assure you you’re a step up from this best friend. Try to understand why you feel threatened by this woman.
If you cannot, then maybe accept that you cannot handle your partner having a close friend of the opposite sex. Because right now, if I was your partner I’d feel very conflicted and upset.
Your boyfriend is literally talking about marrying you, and you’d still be upset over another woman he’s close with. He already made his choice, and stuff like this just makes him second guess it all.
I’m not sure honestly how many people have “best friends” like they do in the movies. If you share the deepest things about yourself and your humanity with a person who ISNT your partner, I just don’t see the longevity of that.
Long term? Your partner needs to be your confidante, your best friend, the one you turn to. This guy (and his female bf) are both kidding themselves if they think they can continue this without any fallout with their spouses/partners.
I’m not sure what you should do, because you can’t control any of this. But you CAN control your own boundaries, and decide what you’ll settle for and what you won’t. I wouldn’t settle for this. My partner puts me first in his life, I put him first, and all our other friends are secondary to this and that’s how it should be.
Come on you think this relationship is sustainable? He’s into her he even asked you to dye your hair like hers. Why are you with him? You can blame him for his stupid decisions all you want but on the end your having a relationship with him.