My(22F) fiancé Jon(29M) and I have been together for three years and recently got engaged, our relationship has always been great, he is smart, thoughtful, and has always spoiled me even early in our relationship. He tells me how amazing I am, how he loves that I’m so strong and overcame a really rough childhood where my dad left and my mom was emotionally abusive until she kicked me out for a guy. He’s said that he hopes that if we ever have a daughter she turns out just like me. But yesterday I got a random message from his best friend Peter(30M) with pictures from a group chat where my fiancé is saying really messed up things about me. In the chats he makes fun of me for not graduating high school and being a waitress, how I’m already his perfect housewife , brags that I give him sex whenever he wants and told them some details about our sex life that are really humiliating for him to share. His friends all join in too, one of them has even joked about sharing me with the group sometime and they talk about how great girls with daddy issues are. I messaged Peter telling him I thought they were fake and he just said “whatever.” I asked why he would send me these and just told me he thought I was the kind of girl who would want to know but maybe he was wrong and stopped responding.
The reason I’m doubtful is because it sounds nothing like Jon and Peter has always been a complete asshole. The first time I met him I was already dating Jon and Peter tried to hit on me and got a little handsy. I immediately shut him down and told him he was disgusting which he thought was funny then complemented Jon on finding a loyal one like it was some kind of test. Peter used to date multiple women at once and acts like he walks on water. We only hang out because he is friends with Jon and we constantly argue and trade insults whenever we are around each other. I always figured he hated me so why would he give me a heads up about his own best friend? It doesn’t make sense for him to go against Jon for my sake. It honestly sounds like the kind of stuff Peter used to say about the girls he dated when he was still in his manwhore phase. I suspect he might be trying to start drama and break us up, plus he recently broke up with his girlfriend so maybe he is jealous of Jon. As far as I know they aren’t fighting or anything and Jon went to go hang out with him just yesterday. I tried to ignore it but I can’t help but wonder what if they are real? I feel guilty even thinking that because Jon has been like a dream guy for me and has never given me a reason to doubt that he loves and respects me. It’s also made me look at things Jon has does in a different light, he’s talked about how when we have kids he wants me to stay home to take care of them and he will provide for me until the kids are old enough to not need their mom all the time and he likes buying me new clothes because I can’t afford because I deserve nice things. I didn’t think these were red flags but now I’m wondering if he just wants a stay at home wife and likes dressing me up in the clothes he likes.
I’ve even considered trying to go through his phone, but it feels wrong and he has a password on it anyway. I want to confront him about it but even if it’s true he can just lie and I’m back to where I started without any hard proof. I saw my mom in abusive relationships and those guys were nothing like Jon, but now I can’t shake this doubt about him. This whole thing has turned my life upside down and I don’t know what I should do next. Jon has noticed me acting distant with him, but what do I tell him?
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Were the details about your sex life that you said were humiliating something only your fiancé would know about?
I don’t know these guys but given that he’s nearly 30 and had his mate test your loyalty kind of makes me think that the messages aren’t fake and they are the kind of guys.
Actually kind and respectful men don’t test relationships. They just don’t date people they don’t trust. They don’t get handsy with strangers who don’t want it. That’s an absolutely unhinged thing.
I mean if the details shared by Peter are correct, how would he know without Jon telling him? Check your bf phone, or go to Peter to see with your own eyes if the messages are from Jon’s phone.
I mean. If you dont want to confront Jon.
Then you need to visit Peter. See that chat with own eyes and check Jon’s number linked to these comments.
The fact that he’s still friends with this guy is a red flag in and of itself. Decent men will weed those kinds of guys out of the friend group because they think the behavior is gross. So he apparently doesn’t have an issue with Peter’s behavior since he’s still in the group. We are a reflection of our friends. If he were your age, that would be one thing. But he’s almost 30.
You only have a few options. First, ignore it and hope it’s just Peter causing drama. But evaluate if that’s likely – that’s a lot of effort for not a lot of reward. What’s the end goal?
Second, talk to your fiancé. But keep in mind that he may lie. If he did send those texts, then he will lie to keep you around. It sounds like he’s got a great deal with you, so he won’t want to give that up, even if he is actually a bad person.
Third, you can check his phone. But since you two are very weird about your phones (which to me is a red flag as well), then that will be the end of the relationship if he finds out. Which, if he did send the texts works out well.
I would push off wedding planning for a while. You’re only 22 – what’s the rush?
It’s understandable to feel shaken by what you’ve seen… trust your instincts, if something feels off, it’s worth digging deeper. You deserve understanding before making big decisions, and honestly, you’re not alone in this. There’s a way to figure this out without going full panic mode, so what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about next steps?