This may not be the exact place for this post, but I’ve been a big follower of this podcast for so long that I feel like this family is the safest place for me to rant and seek advice.
This will probably be kind of a long post & I apologize for that. I have to start at the beginning, though. My parents have been together for close to 30 years, they’re childhood sweethearts. I grew up with the picture perfect family, as cliche and braggy as it sounds. My dad would put signs up along the highway for their anniversary, there was never an empty flower vase in the house & he even wrote and published a poem in a book for my mom.
About 7 years ago, my dad started struggling with mental health, and after a lot of confusion and episodes, a psychiatrist said he was presenting with paranoid schizophrenia, but it’s odd that he’d have it start at his age. He was prescribed a medication that definitely helps, and we all notice a difference when he’s on it. He’s unfortunately one of those people who just assume he’s cured once he starts to feel better, so he stops taking it. There have been multiple times over the years where he’ll stop his meds for a period of time and crash out. He hears voices, sees things, always thinks somebody is following him or out to get him, and always thinks my mom is cheating on him. He will literally sit downstairs and say he can hear my mom with a guy upstairs, when there’s truly nobody there. My mom says he’s never hit her but I have seen bruises on her arms after these moments. He cuts her clothes, breaks items in the house, and threatens to harm our dogs.
After a week or so of trauma, he apologizes, resumes his meds and gaslights my mom into believing he truly loves her (maybe he does). My mom has been a huge trooper through this and has supported him entirely. She does everything she can to ensure that he is safe and knows what’s real and what isn’t. But there’s only so much you can do. Back in March of this year, my dad stopped his meds and flipped out, threatening our pets and accusing my mom of cheating. He broke things in the house & told my mom she had to leave and she (and my siblings) went to stay with a friend that night. After a few days, he left to stay with his brother. He’s been living with his brother since March but comes home on the weekends to see my younger siblings. This week, he stopped his meds again and came home with the accusations flying. My mom and siblings went to stay in a hotel and have been there last night and again tonight. My mom wants to leave my dad, because he’s not mentally or physically safe for her and because my younger siblings don’t deserve this kind of environment.
The biggest problem is that she doesn’t have enough money to buy him out of the house, and she doesn’t think he’d take a divorce well enough to let her have it (they’re both on the deed). She doesn’t know what to do and I know she feels defeated and as if she’s a bad mom. She’s an amazing mother and truly deserves the world and as much as I love my dad, he’s not the guy I grew up with anymore. I keep telling my mom there’s only so much she can do, if he doesn’t want to help himself. 2/5 of their kids are still minors (they’re 10 year old twins) and she can’t afford to find a new place right now. I know it’s hard after 30 years but she’s hurting herself by staying. She also knows she needs to leave but I think she’s scared and feeling defeated. She also loves my dad immensely and is worried that he’ll get worse mentally if she leaves. I don’t know what to say or do to help her.
My dad is genuinely an amazing guy when he’s on his meds and was the greatest dad and husband ever back before this all happened, but he’s so unlike himself without them now that I worry about the safety (and mental stability) of the family when he’s off his medication.
Thank you so much for any thoughts and advice.
*Note: we have had the police involved on multiple occasions, he’s been to a rehab type facility and was even detained temporarily after a particularly bad incident last summer (I haven’t included all of the stories, some are genuinely insane). The police have repeatedly told us he cannot be forced to go in-patient and unless he physically harms himself or others, there’s nothing they can do.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: This may not be the exact place for this post, but I’ve been a big follower of this podcast for so long that I feel like this family is the safest place for me to rant and seek advice.
This will probably be kind of a long post & I apologize for that. I have to start at the beginning, though. My parents have been together for close to 30 years, they’re childhood sweethearts. I grew up with the picture perfect family, as cliche and braggy as it sounds. My dad would put signs up along the highway for their anniversary, there was never an empty flower vase in the house & he even wrote and published a poem in a book for my mom.
About 7 years ago, my dad started struggling with mental health, and after a lot of confusion and episodes, a psychiatrist said he was presenting with paranoid schizophrenia, but it’s odd that he’d have it start at his age. He was prescribed a medication that definitely helps, and we all notice a difference when he’s on it. He’s unfortunately one of those people who just assume he’s cured once he starts to feel better, so he stops taking it. There have been multiple times over the years where he’ll stop his meds for a period of time and crash out. He hears voices, sees things, always thinks somebody is following him or out to get him, and always thinks my mom is cheating on him. He will literally sit downstairs and say he can hear my mom with a guy upstairs, when there’s truly nobody there. My mom says he’s never hit her but I have seen bruises on her arms after these moments. He cuts her clothes, breaks items in the house, and threatens to harm our dogs.
After a week or so of trauma, he apologizes, resumes his meds and gaslights my mom into believing he truly loves her (maybe he does). My mom has been a huge trooper through this and has supported him entirely. She does everything she can to ensure that he is safe and knows what’s real and what isn’t. But there’s only so much you can do. Back in March of this year, my dad stopped his meds and flipped out, threatening our pets and accusing my mom of cheating. He broke things in the house & told my mom she had to leave and she (and my siblings) went to stay with a friend that night. After a few days, he left to stay with his brother. He’s been living with his brother since March but comes home on the weekends to see my younger siblings. This week, he stopped his meds again and came home with the accusations flying. My mom and siblings went to stay in a hotel and have been there last night and again tonight. My mom wants to leave my dad, because he’s not mentally or physically safe for her and because my younger siblings don’t deserve this kind of environment.
The biggest problem is that she doesn’t have enough money to buy him out of the house, and she doesn’t think he’d take a divorce well enough to let her have it (they’re both on the deed). She doesn’t know what to do and I know she feels defeated and as if she’s a bad mom. She’s an amazing mother and truly deserves the world and as much as I love my dad, he’s not the guy I grew up with anymore. I keep telling my mom there’s only so much she can do, if he doesn’t want to help himself. 2/5 of their kids are still minors (they’re 10 year old twins) and she can’t afford to find a new place right now. I know it’s hard after 30 years but she’s hurting herself by staying. She also knows she needs to leave but I think she’s scared and feeling defeated. She also loves my dad immensely and is worried that he’ll get worse mentally if she leaves. I don’t know what to say or do to help her.
My dad is genuinely an amazing guy when he’s on his meds and was the greatest dad and husband ever back before this all happened, but he’s so unlike himself without them now that I worry about the safety (and mental stability) of the family when he’s off his medication.
Thank you so much for any thoughts and advice.
*Note: we have had the police involved on multiple occasions, he’s been to a rehab type facility and was even detained temporarily after a particularly bad incident last summer (I haven’t included all of the stories, some are genuinely insane). The police have repeatedly told us he cannot be forced to go in-patient and unless he physically harms himself or others, there’s nothing they can do.
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He can’t be committed to a mental facility?
If he is a threat to your mother, SHE needs to find out if your municipality has the equivalent of CA’s 5150 (involuntary 72 hour hold for someone who attempts to harm themselves or others ((your mother). Without her agreeing to it, there isn’t a lot you can do. His behavior (noncompliance with his meds) is very common with schizophrenia). He may have been able to manage it for years before his diagnosis.
Sometimes, loved ones can convince them that just like heart medicine, he has to take his meds consistently, and for a lifetime, even when he feels better.
Ask your mother, for her safety, to put cameras up in common rooms like the kitchen. If you can document her abuse, show it to her so she “wakes up” that this is life threatening and for everyone’s safety leaves him or has him committed. Show it to him, too, while in his meds, and prove he’s a much better father and husband when he’s taking them.
Good luck and stay safe.
It’s incredibly hard to commit an adult against their will. And it’s very terrifying for the person who can’t trust their own mind anymore. I’m sorry your family is struggling with all of this.
My best advice to your mom would be to think about what the mentally healthy, loving version of your dad would want. Imagine he is 2 different people now – a schizophrenic person and a “well” person (the one he was before his brain changed). The “well” version of him that you described would want his kids and wife to be safe and happy, right?? Following that man’s wishes is the best way to help him going forward. Even if that isn’t the man standing in front of you.
That man doesn’t want his wife abused or his kids afraid. Following his wishes probably means having your mom get a lawyer, initiating a divorce, and getting full custody of the kids. It can also mean keeping in touch with your dad’s brother and other family members to make sure that he has a place to stay and encourage him to get treatment. Keeping him away from the things that trigger stressful episodes might also help keep him calm. Then, his family can help plan safe visits for all of you during times that he is doing well.
Schizophrenia is a really hard disease to manage, and you seem to understand why it’s difficult. I hope you’re all getting support handling the emotions and stress that come with it.
Hope your mom can find the strength to leave and your dad finds the will to stay on his meds.
Update
If he’s such a great guy when he’s on his meds why aren’t we telling him what he does when he’s off of them and setting a condition that he engage in therapy and couples counseling and commit to staying on his meds? If he doesn’t commit to this – she’s gone guilt free