So, my gf (call her K for safety) and I have had a rocky relationship, been looking into future planning and very happy together. Had a few fights stemming from my general dumbassery, and her comitment issues. Things we have both acknowledged need work. We have been dating for a few months now and getting very serious.
Earlier today she tried to break it off, as she has before, due to her comitment issues, this usually results in her insulting me and denying anything ever existed between us. Fun stuff. We have prior established that I just be a stubborn rock durring these times and just not let her leave basically. Sounds sh*tty but been working. And after this last one we were actually in a really good place. Made up, we’re happy, talking about future plans, possible kids, ect.
Cut to tonight talking late on call about everything from bed activities to dumb stuff we did as kids to eventually politics. She leans left, i lean right, and while her views are interesting, we mostly agree on general principles even if we disagree on implementation and root causes.
K tends to get very heated when talking politics and ethics so I had it in my head to end the convo and suggest we go to bed. It was 245am after all. But before I can she starts a small heated rant about the current sitting prez that she punctuated by asking who I voted for.
I, being and honest fellow, tell her I voted for the guy. Disagree with a lot of his crap and am rather frustrated by his run, but I voted none the less.
She flips from her 1 hour ago loving self talking with me about our lives to hatred and spitting bile at me. Its not a unheard of 180 for her and its happend before. She goes from “I love you” to “you are a vile disgusting gross human being and I cant believe I ever talked to you, you just keep getting worse”. And that shit… that shit hurts…. a lot.
Its happend before though. So I figure like always, stay stubborn, stick it out, and as i do every time she’s tried to end it, I tell her its her choice, but I will only listen if she tells me the same thing the next day. Give her time to cool off and think if she really wants it over. And this time, Im thinking she really might.
I dont think i did anything wrong here. Our dynamic was… unique to say the least. we were the same in bed interests but opposites in everything else and I liked that. She challanged me in ways that I hadn’t been challenged before. But I also know that this constant love, talk, tear me down, I fight to keep it going and love again is far from healthy. Prolly definition toxic. But I still miss her and love her. She claims to love me. Or to have loved me I guess.
Told her Id text her in the morning to see if she really wants me gone, and in reply she threatened self harm if I contact her.
So, what do I do? what should I have done? Can I help her? Can I save this? Should I even try?
Any advice is welcome.
Any hatred deserved.
Any hope, much appreciated.
TL;DR: Long distance gf breaks it off for the final time because of who I voted for and threatend self harm. What do I do
Comments
Your dynamic isn’t “unique”; it’s toxic.
> Earlier today she tried to break it off, as she has before, due to her comitment issues, this usually results in her insulting me and denying anything ever existed between us.
This isn’t what commitment looks like. This isn’t how you work towards a shared future. She’s had one foot out the door for a while, and the only reason she’s still here is the fact that you’ve tolerated this and she hasn’t found anyone better to fall back on yet. Do with this info what you will.
> in reply she threatened self harm if I contact her.
All the more reason not to contact her.
oh my god let her leave.
Look dude, it’s been only a few months and you already describe your relationship as rocky. This is supposed to be a fun and exciting part of your relationship where you are both on your best behavior and you both are genuinely enjoying getting to know each other, not almost breaking up multiple times.
Look, the fact that y’all have almost broken up multiple times in such a short period of time is evidence that y’all should just break up. And the fact that you “won’t let her break up with you” (whatever the hell that means) is shitty. Stop trying to hold on to her, let her do what she wants to do, which is end it with you. You both clearly have very different values and it’s not going to work long term.
Find a someone that also voted for the current dumbass in office, you are way more likely to get along.
This is not a good relationship. It doesn’t mean either of you are wrong, you simply see things differently. Move on because it seems there are plenty of things you don’t see eye to eye about.
Why would you want to sit there and wait to see if she loves you after she said all those vile things to you?
I don’t care how hot she is, how rich, how good at fucking….it’s not worth it to keep around someone, keep investing in them, when they treat you like literal shit. Just stop, man.
Relationships shouldn’t be you fighting to make them work while your partner keeps screaming at you in words and actions that they don’t want to be with you.
It’s been eight fucking months. This is as good as it gets.
Dump her. Block her. And stay single until you can easily walk away from any partner that treats you like this.
Don’t contact her. Block. Her.
You can’t help her. You can’t save her. Don’t even try.
And stop trying to force relationship to work when they are dead in the water. This one has been dead in the water for a very long time, which is sad, because you’ve only been together for eight months.
Just stop.
Damn man, sounds tough. But gotta say, IMHO your relationship ain’t healthy, dude. No one should flip on you like that, especially for something as personal as voting. She’s got issues she needs to deal with, can’t be your job to fix ’em, y’know? And using self harm as a manipulation tool? Red flag bro, huge red flag. It hurts, I get it, but you gotta look after yourself first sometimes. Ghosting could be the way to go, and maybe alert someone close to her about her threats. Take care, bud.
Yeah this is done.
She will never get past this. All the talking in the world wont change who you are and she won’t be able to unsee it.
Let this woman leave. Find someone you’re actually compatible with. Anyone can fck.