My bf and i were talking about what would happen if i had to get an abortion one day. We are both in agreement that i wouldnt be going through with the pregnancy, but a big conflict has arisin.
I have asked that if it happened that he not tell any of his family and keep it a secret. He doesn’t agree and thinks that because his family is his main support network he should be able to confide in them if he needs to. My opinion is that although it might affect him, his feelings about the hypothetical abortion are not as important as mine.
For context, he is very close to his family and usually confides in them, but I am not particularly close with any of them. His family is catholic and i believe i would be judged for it, though mot necessarily openly.
Do you think im being unreasonable?
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What an awful thing of him to say. Sometimes little things say a lot about others
Yes. I think you are having sex with a little boy. Don’t do that.
I can understand where he is coming from regarding his support system, but ultimately it is your body and your medical procedure, so it’s not appropriate for him to discuss that with anyone without your consent.
If an accident were to happen you can’t tell your BF because he can’t be trusted to respect your privacy.
ETA: Who knows what other private details of your relationship he’s already blabbed about to his family.
He is willing to reveal YOUR medical information to HIS family without YOUR consent. He does not respect your boundaries. The end.
I mean it’s hypothetical. So hypothetically no but also yes. No one can tell you with 100% certainty what they would do in any situation. Until it’s in your face. That’s like playing Monday morning QB on your life.
Does he have mommy issues?
Sounds like he prioritizes his family and being accepted than your feelings and something that YOU would hypothetical go through.
You should NOT be dating someone who has such profoundly different values than you do. This conversation should show to you that you fundamentally see abortion totally differently and out of mutual respect, you should end this relationship.
You’re not being unreasonable. Neither is he.
You’re not being unreasonable at all. This is your body, your medical decision, and your privacy. If an abortion were ever to happen, you would be the one physically and emotionally going through it. His need to talk to his family does not outweigh your right to protect yourself from judgment, shame, or stress, especially from people who are not involved.
It is one thing to want support, but when that support system could make your situation harder, it becomes less about his comfort and more about your protection. His family’s opinions do not belong in this conversation, and if he cannot see that, it is worth asking if he truly understands what it means to be your partner.
You do not need to break up with him, but you should keep this moment in mind. When it comes to sensitive issues like this, the person you are with should prioritize you. Not outsiders. Not hypotheticals. Not how it might look. If he cannot put your safety and comfort first now, it is worth considering what that could look like if something real actually happened in the future.
Just pay attention. You deserve support that centers on you, not on keeping someone else’s family comfortable.
I think both of you have valid points. On the one hand, the abortion is your medical procedure, and the ultimate right to privacy is yours. On the other hand, abortions absolutely affect partners as well, and he also deserves to have a support system and people to talk to.
Of course, that’s all in the abstract, and it really changes based on his families views, and whether you might face more backlash from them. Have a convo, and ask what he would do if his family hypothetically made shaming comments. If he’s going to dismiss your concerns about how his family would potentially react, and how that would affect you, then I would be asking some big questions about your relationship.
I would not have sex with a man who feels it is his right to disclose YOUR medical procedure to HIS family.
>his feelings about the hypothetical abortion are not as important as mine
Why?
That just seems really dismissive of how he feels about it
Your bf is being immature and inconsiderate toward you. You’re 100% right that his feelings aren’t as important as yours when it comes to a medical procedure that you would be undergoing and that would only directly affect you. If you want to keep your medical information a secret, he should respect that. It’s a red flag that he’d choose to prioritise himself in that situation.
Don’t do adult activities if you aren’t ready for adult responsibilities. I think he can tell whomever he wants, afterall the baby is part of him, and if he needs to tell his family for support, that’s his right.
Do not get pregnant with this boy. He’s not mature enough and doesn’t respect you. He cares more about himself than you.
Ima go against the grain here you aren’t being unreasonable but it’s an incompatibility you both have. Everyone is very woman first when it comes to pregnancy but I’ve seen enough guys be destroyed by them (abortions) it’s good thing you guys are on the same page. But just cuz he agreed with pro choice doesn’t mean if it happens it won’t effect him HEAVILY and a support system is important
Personally id work through your insecurity about having one and he shouldn’t talk about it unless he HAS 2 and only with a family member he knows isn’t a gossip or he can actually trust.
Just because it effects women much more heavily it still effects men and many pro choice people still get attached to terminated pregnancies because of all the what ifs and other things
Why are you with this man still? That should have been the end of that relationship
No. It is up to you if you want to share any medical decisions about your body. I could understand if you were trying to get pregnant and there was a miscarriage, that is something he might want to share and perhaps need support for. But abortion is generally a very private and often difficult decision that ultimately falls completely on the woman to deal with. It still has a great deal of stigma attached and I personally would not feel comfortable having that shared as it might change how they view you.
He’s feelings are not as important as us, even if he would potentially lose a child just as his as they may be yours… and you’re saying he isn’t permitted to talk about something that also affects him, not only YOU with his family? Whatever feelings he may have he has to bottle them up because you’re more important?
It says way more about you, he should dump your egotistical…
If you think this is the only issue where he will disregard your feelings in favour of telling his family “for support” you might as well get out now.