My (23f) boyfriend (23m) and I have been together for two years. Our relationship started off with us having sex regularly, maybe around 3 times a week but after a year into our relationship it started decreasing more and more. Now, it has been nearly three months with absolutely NO sex. My boyfriend has bpd so I don’t know if this is a factor. This is something has been absolutely ruining my self esteem, I’ve brought this up to him but he says it’s because he’s stressed from university and he doesn’t want to talk about it, which has scared me from mentioning it again because I don’t want to keep stressing him out. Although we don’t have sex, we still are intimate – we cuddle, kiss, hug – like normal. I vented to my friend about this and she thinks this is quite suspicious and thinks he might be secretly doing things behind my back or might have a porn addiction. I would like to know what other people think about this – any advice, thoughts, or has anyone gone through a similar situation before?
Edit: he’s not on any medications for his bpd
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BPD is always a factor in everything.
He’s either cheating or has a serious porn addiction (I would bet the latter is more likely). This isn’t a you problem and you can’t fix it for him. At 23 I wouldn’t settle for this. It’s unnecessarily destroying your self esteem and it’s not worth the heartache.
Maybe taking a stance by telling him that you know something else is going on, that it’s not just stress, and you suspect he has a porn problem or just isn’t into you like that anymore and that you want a break so he can figure himself out.
You can’t go through life not talking about things that stress you out, it’s not how life works. His lack of communication is stressing you out and will split you up. He might have a deeper issue than bpd. This happened to a friend of mine and her bf eventually confessed he was gay. On the other hand sex in relationships has peaks and troughs and maybe that’s all this is. If he can’t communicate how he feels the relationship is doomed.
What happens when you try to initiate anything?
I would give it time he will come around he may be worried about getting you pregnant and is not ready for that if had a pregnancy scare before and he may also just be stressed because of things going on with school. Sometimes in relationships you just get sexual ruts where takes some space to come back together better basically if you are spending alot of time together it gives them no time to miss you or worry about you so it is better to just trying giving them abit of space do some hobbies or take a walk like basically give him abit of space and less attention. Nothing is wrong with you he is probably just going through something emotionally and also bpd medicines can cause impotency sometimes, porn addiction wouldn’t be the problem it would make him want sex more or would be jacking it alot.
This is likely caused by a depressive episode. Keep talking with him about it and encourage him to care for his mental health through things like therapy. If it continues, you may have to evaluate if having a super sexual partner is something that’s very important to you or if it’s something you can go without for a few months at a time.
If he is on medication for his BPD, that could be impacting his libido. And yeah, stress sure can do it too.
I don’t know why your friends (or redditors) would suggest that he’s cheating or has a porn problem without more info or context.
Here’s the thing though….he isn’t meeting your needs. You don’t have to keep dating him unless you can prove he is cheating. You can just….be done and date someone who is sexually compatible with you.
I’ve been through something similar and it was porn a extremely bad addiction and I know it’s not ok to invade someone’s privacy but you might need to go through his phone but first see what his explore feeds show on other social apps while he’s on his phone like just try and pay attention to what’s on there if you see a lot of thirst traps and sexual stuff go through that phone but please remember you are beautiful and good enough regardless what happens just because someone else has a problem it doesn’t mean you are one
Porn addiction is possible. BPD also. If he’s on any drug that might affect libido, I’d consider that. I’d consider a check-up to make sure everything is okay. No matter what, though, you are too young to have to be dealing with this. And he’s too young to not want sex with his girlfriend.
He’s cheating.
The bigger issue is that you dont seem to understand your partner’s mental health even the slightest bit
I would 3x per week is already on the low side for a new relationship between people in their early 20s. His BPD is likely a factor.
Here’s the thing, if he can’t consent to sex right now it is what it is, but you don’t owe him permanent relationship without sex. Especially since he can’t even have a conversation about it or is willing to recognize your needs and see what can be done.
This is not just university stress. He’s 23. There’s clearly something else going on and you deserve a real explanation. Maybe a couples therapist can help. If he’s not open to talking or change at all then it may be time to move on.
As someone who has mental health problems that’s a huge factor. I don’t even realize the time has gone by. Medications make the body go haywire. Some medicines even cite that they change sexual libo. I don’t wanna go too far into my personal issues but I had a similar experience with my ex. We started off strong but a few years into are relationship my mental health worsened and sex was the last thing on my mind. I have a disorder where I can dissociate for months sometimes almost whole year. You’re not wrong for wanting to but maybe he’s declining in mental health but doesn’t know how to express it.
Went through the same. Mine had porn addiction and ADHD. He lost sexual interest in me but still had the emotional interest so he still wanted to cuddle and be affectionate. It was torture and was ruining my self esteem.
My advice would be break up as your valid needs and well being are being completely dismissed here – like he won’t even reassure you and have conversations around it. But if you’re not ready and no judgment here if you aren’t … I would wait and see how he behaves after his classes end. If it’s really the stress then his libido should return. But if it’s depression or porn addiction, I’d let him go. He needs to work on that on his own and you are so young and can find someone else ready and willing to be a real partner to you.