For some context I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. In the beginning of our relationship I decided to just lay down all of my boundaries before getting too serious, one of which was a hard no on porn. I know some of you may think I am weird or crazy for saying that because porn is so “normal” but I have dealt with men in my past with porn addictions and I felt extremely disrespected and unhappy. I am also against my partner watching porn because I believe my man should only have eyes for me, he shouldn’t want to pleasure himself while admiring another woman, that to me isn’t okay. so I simply wanted to avoid that all together by communicating this boundary early on.
When talking to my boyfriend about this in the beginning of our relationship I told him why I don’t like porn, why I wouldn’t want my partner to be watching it and I also told him I completely understand if that’s not doable, it just means we aren’t compatible. He proceeded to tell me that he actually doesn’t watch porn nor does he even like it, he told me occasionally he would watch hentai but never any actual porn because he thinks the porn industry is gross. I was pleasantly surprised by this and we just went about our relationship. Fast forward like 6 months, I saw on his X that there was porn and like sexualized woman appearing on his feed. I confronted him about this and he said it was just because him and his cousin use the account together. I took him at face value because I genuinely had a lot of trust in him. He seemed like he was being honest and like he didn’t have an interest in looking at those things. But I did ask him a few times after this if he genuinely didn’t watch porn at all, although I believed what he told me about the X thing, it still just seemed a bit unbelievable that he really didn’t do that or want to do that. He always reassured me that he doesn’t like or have any interest in that…
But a few days ago I had saw that he had Reddit (funny right?) on his phone and I was like “I didn’t know you used Reddit what subreddits are you into?” He got really scared about me touching or even looking at his phone. So much so that he grabbed it out of my reach and basically was about to leave right then and there. Very obviously guilty without me even seeing anything, I asked him why he was getting so defensive and he made up some more dumb excuses about his cousins. I asked to see the subreddits he recently viewed and he didn’t want to show me. I said “if it wasn’t you then why are you so scared to show me?” Eventually he showed me and there’s really not much explaining, just a fuck ton of porn. He kept going on and on about how it wasn’t his. I wasn’t believing any of it cause he was NERVOUS. I told him just to own up to it and stop making excuses. Which he did, he told me that he’s actually had a porn addiction for a long time and that he is ashamed of it and trying to stop. He also said that he did stop watching porn completely for majority of our relationship and only in the past few weeks did he fall back into it.
I was just really hurt by this. I feel really shocked that he has been lying this whole time about this, I don’t feel like I have any trust for him now and I’m unsure what to do next. I have really fallen for him I haven’t loved someone the way I’ve loved him everything just seems to click, but I don’t want to be with someone who is deceitful or dishonest. I want to try to be understanding because I know it’s an addiction and I can see why it would be difficult and scary to talk about, but it hurts because I feel unwanted by him now. Like he became unsatisfied with me or bored of me and that’s why he needed to go back to that. Most importantly though it hurts thinking about how many times he’s lied right to my face, how easy it is for him to lie to me. He is willing to make an effort to rebuild my trust and he’s said he feels ashamed, I just don’t want this to happen again so I feel unsure on what my next steps should be.
TL/DR : Bf has been lying to me since the beginning about having a porn addiction, after I said I can’t be in a relationship where porn is involved. I found a lot of porn on his phone, and I don’t know if trust can be earned again.
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that is wild he shouldn’t have lied that’s for sure
You really believe he’s sharing an account with his cousin that seems a bit far fetched. Most adults have their own accounts. The relationship is only 9 months in and you already caught him lying to your face. Dump him and block him. Trust is everything.
You communicated a boundary, “I will not maintain a relationship with someone who watches porn.” Now is your time to act on that boundary and step away. He had ample opportunity to be honest and chose deception instead. Walk away now before you grow even more attached.
Is it a “porn addiction” or just a guy who likes porn. Because most men watch porn. Its unrelated to what that want to do in real life and unrelated to their feelings for you. Its just a fantasy to masturbate to. Nothing more.
Banning your guy (or any guy) from watching porn is extreme – and very controlling. That’s not going to work! He lied to you about it because he was (rightfully) afraid of uour extreme reaction, and he obviously wants to be with you so chose to hide that.
This us not fair to him. Try relaxing a little about this, opening your mind and potentially even watching some porn with him. You might love it!
oh honey i am so sorry. i know how much it hurts to find that kind of stuff, and how much it hurts that he’s lied to your face about it the entire time.
i know i can’t take that pain from you, but I’ve been through the same thing, most recent time was only a couple months ago, and i dumped him then and there.
if you dont do the same, im afraid you’re in only for more lies and deception. this is genuinely an addiction, and addictions make you lie to people who love you.
you are NOT weird for setting that boundary.
there are a few good subreddits if you need more support full of people whove gone through what youre going through. i think i actually left my post up from the last time i caught my ex and those peeps really helped me realize i needed to move on.
Sounds like he’s lying again when he says he just started watching porn again a couple of weeks ago, when you saw porn on his x months ago.