Going to try to make this as neutral as possible but sorry if I get mad.
So a few years ago I moved to the west coast for school and for my career, my boyfriend of 1 year at the time decided to move here too. Originally I was living with my sister so we decided he’d live with other roommates so he could put down some roots of his own incase we didn’t work out. It’s now been two years, he’s still living with a roommate and not me, but expects me to come over several times a week (I’m sick of living out of a bag half the time).
He hasn’t quite got his footing here yet so he’s decided to move back to his Midwest hometown and would like us to stay together. My career goals haven’t quite gone as planned and I went to undergrad in his hometown, so I’m cool about moving back, I love it there!
But here’s where the issue arises: he doesn’t want to live together.
And he can’t understand why his girlfriend of going-on 4 years would see that as a red flag. I made it VERY clear that I will dump him if we have to go back to long distance, that I would love to move back to his hometown, and that I will NOT move for a boy if that boy doesn’t even want to live with me.
But he doesn’t get it, he thinks he should live with his bros for a year and then I can move up there. I think that’s bullsh*t and I’m not going to wait around while he relives the college glory days. I’m pissed!
I told him I think it’s a fair compromise that if I move for him (because he doesn’t want me to dump him) then we should live together, but now I feel like I’m in crazy town!?
Am I seriously off base here?
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you are entirely in the right, why would you move with someone who won’t live WITH you
Nope. We don’t uproot our lives for partners who don’t prioritize us.
Now if you want to relo independent of him, do it. But not for a partner who won’t be a partner.
You are absolutely right. It sounds like he wants to move back and relive his college days for a while. It seems like you guys are in different places in the relationship and even though it has been 4 years he might not be thinking about the future together with you quite the same way as you are. From the sounds of it he’s still in a you guys are “just dating” mindset rather than a “wanting to build a life together” one if that makes sense.
I had a boyfriend like this when I was your age and unfortunately that didn’t work out. I got tired of feeling like I’m being taken for granted whilst the relationship wasn’t really progressing.
You guys need a conversation about where you both are in this relationship and he needs to be honest about whether he wants to build a life together or if he just enjoys your company without thinking about long term plans with you.
Yep – make it quite clear that the hometown isn’t the issue, it’s his evident desire to keep his options open.
TBH this is the probably the moment to just call it quits – I mean at least you’re not living together yet!
> but expects me to come over several times a week (I’m sick of living out of a bag half the time)
An expectation so well-established that it became the new normal. Unsurprisingly, he thinks little or nothing of your situation, only how you will mesh into his situation. It’s time to shatter that illusion. Sometimes it’s necessary to go all or nothing, this feels like one of those times.
It doesn’t sound like he is serious about your relationship. So let him go and you stay and keep trying to get your career off the ground. Don’t do LD. just break up.
I had a similar yet different situation but felt the same way and feel you are justifiable in your feelings. Now that its been 4 years of a relationship, isnt that enough of a time to start taking the next step in the relationship? I would feel (as l told my then bf now husband), if l move to another state for him, it would be as a wife and not a gf. But l had some roots and a career where we were leaving so it would take a bigger commitment for me to move for him. Originally l told him l would move if we were engaged but then l realized that just wasnt enough for me to uproot my career and leave my family behind.
Break up and move anywhere you want to go—maybe where you get the best job offer?
It’s not even that he doesn’t want to live with you – he doesn’t want you even moving there for a year? Sounds like this relationship is basically over.
Honestly I kind of understand being 24 and wanting to live with your friends. When I was that age a few of my friends lived together and I didn’t live with them and I always felt left out. Any chance you could compromise by you two living within walking distance of the friends? That way he gets to hang with them but also live with you.
Just a question is he living out of his bag half the time too or is it just you? If it’s just you that guy is selfish and the moment you need him the brat will scarper. The precedent of you sacrificing for his comfort and doing more effort is set. If it’s equal I think the real conversation needs to be not what’s happening post move but what are his actual expectations in 5-10 years time? You’re young and if you can’t manage long distance even if you hate it but you love them enough I think it’s time to call it. The wanting to live with his bros for a year then you move up sounds dodgy as hell like he wants to clown around and then settle down.
NTA
He wants to live with his ~bros~ for a year and then you can join him???
Is he 19?
Or is he planning on playing out his options and then moving in with you if those don’t work out?
I don’t mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you’ve outgrown him and are more mature.
You’re still so young you need to do what is best for you, and it doesn’t sound like that’s moving back to his hometown.
This sounds like the end of a first long-term relationship and is common at the age you’re at (I sound so old!!). Think really hard about what YOU want out of life and where you want to live and be in 5 years. Do you want to travel? How is your career going etc.
There is so much potential at your age, don’t waste it on a guy like this (again, sorry sounds pretty harsh but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders so hope you can see what I mean!).
He wants a year to go screw around while you sit on the back burner. No way. What an unbelievably selfish ask. You’re worth more than sitting around, waiting for him to tell you when he’s ready to put you first.
OK, let’s try looking at this situation from a different point of view.
Your sister or BFF is going through this -not you- what advice do you give her?
Not the- “I can’t see a future without you”, and future baby names – future.
The right now- “want to live with “MY BROS” for a year”, like I’m in college again – future.
Suggestion, figure out what you need to do/ want to do to get YOUR CAREER GOALS back on track.
Let him move, and be a man child with his buddies.
Just let go, because, sometimes these things DON’T WORKOUT FOR A REASON. And you won’t figure out that reason for a while, and that’s OK!
You have your own journey to finish, and maybe you didn’t try as hard as you could have, BECAUSE OF HIM. Maybe he is holding you back. Don’t follow that BOY, you are a WOMAN, who is on a mission to have the best life she can!
Good Luck.
If he wants to live with his bros, he isn’t mature enough for this to be a serious relationship. Tell him you will be living life on your own and just maybe, when he is done being a frat boy, if you’re still single, you will give him another chance.
Tell him sure, I’ll move back, I’ll get my own place, and I’ll start dating other people, you cool with that? there’s probably good pickings for a new relationship there and a college town I’m going to find someone more mature than your boyfriend
You sure this guy’s anywhere close to wanting the relationship you do because it doesn’t look like it.
You said it yourself. “I will not move for a BOY if that BOY doesn’t even want to live with me.” Boy not man. Thats what you’re dealing with. Let him go. You move on with a man once you find one worthy of you.
Nope, you’re not off face at all in fact you’re very intelligent to make that move. Don’t do it unless he wants to live together. Wonder what is his problem is doesn’t he want to grow up or does he want to be a teenager for the rest of his life tell him if you live together or you’re not moving with them.
Breakup, he isn’t the one for you.
Not off base but if I’m understanding correctly he thought enough of you and your relationship to uproot his life and move halfway across the country to stay with you, yet you two didn’t live together then.
My guess is he’s either one of those guys who’ll always put the boys first and that’s why he wants to live with them, or it wasn’t really his preference to live with a roommate when he came out there, and when the two of you chose not to live together something broke in him that makes him not view you as someone he wants to live with, ever. You might just be permanent girlfriend material to him, not common law spouse or wife.