My (23F) boyfriend (26M) doesn’t like to wear condoms, and we basically never have. The problem is, I learned my IUD was 6 months expired, and had several conversations with him that we should wear condoms, he even bought some after I asked. I also told him many times how getting an abortion would be really heartbreaking for me and not something I want to do. Despite many conversations, I never pushed for condoms during sex, and he never initiated wearing the condoms.
A week ago, I was mentally preparing to get my new IUD and saw online that we need to wear condoms for 7 days after it’s inserted. I told him I was anxious about this, because if I don’t actively set the boundary during sex, he disregards what I’ve asked for and talked to him about in advance. He acted really sorry, and said he didn’t realize that he was doing that, and he said he will not put me in that position and will be an active participant in using condoms.
So, I get my IUD and he’s there for my appointment where the nurse even explains all this stuff, and he acts like a really supportive partner and helps me through the pain. Yet, 2 days later, when were cleared to have sex again, we start “soaking” without a condom, which I was fine with.. then I get turned on and kind of bump a little but I don’t go past that point and I stop. Then he asks if it’s been 3 days already, and asks if he can get off by just penetrating me with the tip of his penis.
I explicitly asked him not to ask those kinds of questions, because in the moment I’m bad at saying no (we also have a light Dom/sub dynamic).
I don’t know what to do, I know he’s going through a really rough time and figuring himself out. He’s coming out of a really deep depression and he’s about to leave his abusive parents house and he has struggled with mental health issues and picking up bad habits from his parents, and in a lot of ways he’s a really amazing partner to me. He recently supported me through surgery and was so supportive for weeks after my recovery. He was so careful of my wrist and making sure we listen to what the nurse says, yet doesn’t care as much when it’s his pleasure he’s missing out on? I’ve had to teach him more than once about consent – we’ve had many conversations about it. He also has other issues he’s working on, and he goes to counselling.
We had a long conversation about this, but again, I had to explain why it felt so violating when he did that. He seems sorry, and he watched some videos on enthusiastic consent and told me he understands why that wasn’t okay.
Im not sure if I need to leave him because of this. He’s about to move out and it’s possible he could become a healthier partner being in a better environment, he’s really trying to change and he’s doing a great job at it in other areas… but I feel like hes broken my trust. Is this behaviour too concerning to stay and see if things get better?
TLDR; boyfriend doesn’t care to use condoms even after the nurse advised us too, and even when there’s a chance of getting a fallopian tube pregnancy the first 7 days after my IUD insertion.
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Right so this is one of them guys.
I’m gonna say one thing and one thing only to you.
All you’ll have to do is repeat this to him and if you don’t like the reaction, break up.
My. Body. My. Rules.
TL:DR = Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you.
Only you can decide if it is a deal breaker or not.
You need to leave this man. He’s using the fact that you’re timid and have a hard time saying no as a way to take advantage of you. He doesn’t care about your needs or boundaries. He only cares about how he feels and what he wants. Regardless of him going through a hard time arm if you tell him to stop and leave, he should respect that. Would you treat him like this? Or better yet, would you let your friend get treated like this? If the answer to either of these are no, then you have your answer. You deserve better.
His “rough time” has nothing to do with him wearing condoms or not. Stop making excuses.
Respect yourself and do better. Because you deserve better.
You shouldn’t have to explain basic consent and respect to someone. And especially having to discuss it multiple times? Huge red flag.