My (23F) boyfriend (26M) and I have been together for almost three years. I graduated from college about a year ago and he just graduated in May with a music degree. In the time that we have known each other, his plan – as he told me – was to teach music and I have always supported that. More recently, he told me that that goal is unrealistic due to lack of teaching experience, no job openings, etc and has basically given up on the idea. I feel terrible that he thinks this dream is so out of reach and I have tried to be as encouraging as I can. Basically since the time we started dating, he’s been working a chill retail job where he’s gotten one $1 raise since he started working there. He currently gets paid $15.50/hr working around 35 hours a week. There is no room for growth or raises at this place. He likes this job because he’s basically allowed to do whatever he wants (practicing bass, playing video games, watching football) which I honestly find to be pretty ridiculous but hey if he’s getting paid to do it, who am I to complain? I, on the other hand, was fortunate enough to land a salaried full-time job in my field shortly after I graduated. I am not rich by any means whatsoever but I make enough to take care of myself, certainly not two people.
We have been talking for a while about getting a place together when our leases end which is quickly approaching. My boyfriend can barely afford to take care of himself and doesn’t like to buy food outside of rice and ramen. He doesn’t like to spend money on dates or cheap flowers, doesn’t even really try to plan cheap dates. It’s gotten to the point where I have to buy myself flowers because he just won’t and I end up paying for dates just so we can have one. I completely understand being frugal but I have brought up several times that I think it would take a lot of stress off of both of us if he looked into getting another job and he always says that no one is hiring. Not even restaurants or other retailers. As someone who worked 2-3 jobs in college, I am confident that someone is hiring, it just won’t be the job of his dreams. It has been several months at this point and I get the feeling that he has completely given up looking for another job. I have sent him jobs in the area but it just makes him mad at me because he said it makes him feel inadequate which is NEVER my intention, I am honestly just trying to help him out. I worry a lot about his lack of drive and he has outright said that he doesn’t mind this lifestyle but it has been affecting our relationship for a while. He has basically no savings, no insurance, no emergency funds. He grew up very poor and I try to be as empathetic as possible but his complacency in his current situation makes me feel he is not as serious about the relationship as I am. I don’t need a man to provide for me but I do value financial stability. Just looking for advice in this situation. I love him so much and hate to see him struggling to pay his bills. I just don’t know the best way to support him and I am considering not moving in with him until he can take care of himself. Any advice and perspectives would be appreciated.
tldr: my boyfriend is struggling financially and I don’t know how to help him as we are about to take a major step in our relationship
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Let me ask you a question:
If you were to tell the story about the future of this relationship, where you and he are happy, and living the life that you want to live…does that story include the words “and then he changed into someone who was more financially successful”, or any variant of that?
Because here’s the thing: people do exactly what they want to do. Every single time. They put their time, effort, and energy into those things that are important to them, and they put less (or none) into things that are less (or not) important to them.
So if he wanted to be the guy who had a successful career-oriented job, he would have that job. Or, at the very least (because I get it, the job market can be very challenging) he would be putting in effort toward finding that job and career.
But that’s not what he’s doing. Because that’s not what he wants to do.
>his complacency in his current situation makes me feel he is not as serious about the relationship
His complacency says nothing one way or the other about how serious he is about the relationship, but it does tell you that he sees the relationship, and his role in it, differently from how you see the relationship and his role in it. That doesn’t make either of you “right” or “wrong”, but it does mean that the two of you want different things.
And when two people want different things out of a relationship, they each put their effort into what they want the relationship to be, not what the other person wants the relationship to be. And what that leads to is a relationship that isn’t where either of them want it to be.
He is not responsible for living his life how you think he “should”. He’s not responsible for being the person or partner that you want him to be. He’s not even responsible for being the person or partner that you need him to be.
He’s only responsible for being one person: the person he wants to be.
If the person he wants to be is not someone who can be the relationship partner you need, then there’s no point in trying to change him into the partner you need. Because either 1) it won’t work and you’ll resent him for never being “enough”, or 2) he’ll give in under duress and then resent you the whole time for “making” him be someone he doesn’t want to be.
So if your internal story for how you get to the future you want to have requires him to change in some way that he isn’t already actively and willingly trying to change to become…
…then you’re in the wrong story with the wrong male lead.
It’s not about his paycheck, it’s about his mindset. It does not seem that he has the motivation, drive or resilience when things or life does not hand him his dream.
You can feel compassion for his financial struggles AND still refuse to subsidize a lifestyle that is unsustainable. Right now, your willingness to cover dates, overlook his minimal job search, and plan around his comfort zone may be unintentionally reinforcing his inertia. If he can’t afford his own bills now, cohabitation will make you the default safety net. You could make it clear that you won’t move in together until he can consistently pay rent, bills, and some shared expenses without relying on you AND also moving in is a partnership step, not a rescue mission.
Instead of sending him job listings (which MAYBE he’s perceiving as criticism) try asking him what is his plan. He’s said outright he doesn’t mind his current lifestyle. That’s not a temporary “rough patch”, that’s a value statement. If you value financial stability and he values maximum comfort for minimum effort, that’s a fundamental incompatibility unless something changes.
If you hold off on moving in together until he’s stable, you’re not abandoning him, you’re protecting both of you from resentment and financial strain. If he’s motivated to build a future with you, he’ll take the steps needed. If he doesn’t… that’s information you need before committing further.