My husband and I have been together for five years, and married for three. When we decided we would like to have a child, we had issues. I wasn’t becoming pregnant, and we didn’t know why. After we went to the doctor about it, it took a while for them to find what it was. They did scans, I also had a surgery, and they have found that I have endometriosis, and it is very bad. They tried removing some of it, because sometimes that can solve fertility issues, but it was worse than they thought. It did help some of the pain, which was nice, but it came back, and I still wasn’t able to become pregnant.
So if we want a child, we will have to do IVF. Theoretically I could become pregnant naturally, but they believe that the chances are very low, and it probably won’t happen. And that was a bit difficult because although the religion my husband and I follow permits IVF, because it lets you have children, it still felt wrong and I did feel guilty that I was the problem, but I tried to get over that. My husband seemed fine with it at the start, he said that’s just how it is, and I eventually accepted it.
But he seemed to start to act weirdly about it. I was asking him about it one evening, because we should start the process soon, and he got angry at me. He said that all I do is bother him about it, and I could have been normal and been like anyone else, we wouldn’t have to do anything at all. And I was upset. I cried because I didn’t really want to do it either but I really want a baby and I don’t have other options. And he wants a child too, he was quite upset when I still wasn’t pregnant after we had been married for a bit, because his parents also feel strongly about him having children.
He came in later and I thought he was going to say that he was sorry but instead he was just angry that I was crying and said that I’m always acting like he’s wrong, when he’s not the reason this happened in the first place. And that when he married me, he thought he was marrying a real woman. And that I’m not. I feel very upset because I don’t know what to do about this. I really want a child but he is angry with me and I don’t know how to help him feel better about the way I am.
I don’t usually write in English so if anything doesn’t make sense, I can see if I can make it make more sense, thank you.
Comments
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Divorce him
Even if he agreed to IVF, please don’t have a baby with this “man”. The way he is treating you is unacceptable. Your worth as a woman is not dependent on your ability to carry a child. I hope you will be able to see this and leave- what he’s doing is abusive.
The fact that he’s measuring your womanhood by your ability to give birth or not is DISGUSTING! He (and his parents, because of course they’re involved in this – ugh) see you as a baby-making machine, rather than a human being with inherent value. Ew. I say throw the whole husband away.
you cannot do anything about your biology. him blaming you over something you have no control over is nonsensical and, again, DISGUSTING
DTMF
I want to start of this reply by saying having fertility issues doesn’t make you any less of a woman. Of course you didn’t choose to have those issues and it’s absolutely not your fault. His reaction is too much in my opinion, it’s disrespectful towards you and demeaning. I’m sure he knows that it’s not your fault and yet he’s upset at you regardless. It’s okay to cry. Im sure he knows that it isn’t a choice to be infertile and that it’s not your fault. I won’t tell you to leave him but I’m not sure if you can change his mind. Is there any other woman in his life that can side with you? Perhaps explaining the situation to his mother (as long as she is more understanding than him) and having her pass on the information to him would help.
Wow. What a vile creature he is. Blaming you for your infertility is heartless, especially with a disease like Endo which isn’t something you caused.
>. I really want a child but he is angry with me and I don’t know how to help him feel better about the way I am.
Trying to help him feel better is a kind thought. In a healthy relationship, it’s definitely true that both of you would need support. Maybe even more support than what you can each provide.
But I don’t think you’re in a healthy relationship. I think your husband is cruel.
I don’t know if there’s any coming back from that.
I understand you’re saying you don’t have grounds for a divorce (which is crazy to me but different countries have different laws on these things) but I would definitely still seek the advice of an attorney. How he’s treating you over this IS abusive. Endometriosis is nothing you did to yourself and you didn’t know you had it or would have problems conceiving at the start of the marriage. He may not be hitting you (at the moment) but this is abusive behavior and should not be okay.
Works out, since you’re not married to a real man.
I’m sorry you married such a heartless man. You and your future child(ren) deserve much, much better.
You say you can’t divorce. I think the way to get him to divorce you is to NOT do IVF. If he wants a child he will have to divorce you and find someone else. This would be best for you because he will continue to treat you like crap if you stay married.
There’s nothing wrong with ivf. It’s not immoral. Treating your partner like dirt is immoral.
So he is holding your fertility issues against you, using them to punish you and wants you to feel ashamed. Women aren’t the only ones with fertility issues (men often have them too). You’re not less of a woman or a mother if you conceive via ivf. Your baby isn’t less of a baby. How will he feel if you need a C-section? What if you can’t breastfeed? Where does this end for him?
Why does he want to make you feel bad about things about yourself that you can’t control and that aren’t your fault? Is he so perfect?
It seems holding your inability to conceive naturally over your head is more important to him than having a family with you. Instead of leaning in and offering support, he is treating you with contempt and disdain. What an awful way to treat your life partner.
You don’t deserve any of that. I’m sorry.
Your husband is being INCREDIBLY insensitive. FUCK his feelings.
>>> He said that all I do is bother him about it, and I could have been normal and been like anyone else
He is a jerk who puts his ego above you. This is a peek into what your life will be if you were to have a child with this man; if it was me, I’d take this as a blessing and leave that marriage.
Don’t have a baby, he’s clearly not a “real” man if he couldn’t get you pregnant 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah that’s not someone you want to procreate with
If that’s how he treats you, imagine how poorly he will treat the child 😐
Divorce him so you can find a real man who actually respects you.
Do not have kids with this asshole.
Having fertility issues doesn’t make you any less of a woman. At his big age, he can’t even comprehend that and to top it off, instead of comforting you through this difficult time, he blames you for something you cannot control.
Perhaps if ED hit him in the future, he would be considered not a real man for being unable to preform a ‘basic male function’. Regardless, please don’t procreate with this person. You deserve someone who will love and accept you for you, not insult you over a medical condition. I couldn’t fathom being married to a person that could fix his mouth to talk to me like that.
As for your question… I know it may sound heavy, but I would consider divorce over something like this. It seems like if this continues to go on, his resentment for you very well may build and I worry for how he may act that out.
Two him it’s his fault that his sperm is so weak
Damn those are some terrible words to say for something that’s out of your control. He needs to apologize at the very least
I would never have a child with this man. Ever. And neither should you.
Don’t have children w a man like this. You shouldn’t have even married him to begin with.
Wow im so sorry. My husband and I are going through our 10th miscarriage right now with no real answers. However my husband has not once, NEVER, blamed me for all of our losses. Infertility sucks, going through it with a partner who wants to place blame would be unimaginable. I would not stay with or have kids with a man like that. Absolutely not. This is not your fault, im so sorry he made you feel that it is!
Whenever someone says I’m not a real man, I tell that person to speak to a psychiatrist because seeing and hearing someone who isn’t real is a very bad sign.
HOLY. SHIT. Run now. As someone who has done IVF twice you are no less of a woman!!!! And you deserve an actual man who sees your worth, regardless of the status of your uterus.
It’s hard enough to work through the guilt we put on ourselves, but to be shamed like that from your life partner? NO MA’AM!!!! Run away and fast!
Personally I the he’s being weird about it.
There is no way to “deal with this.” That guy is terrible. Do what you must, but remember that what you eat shit on now, will choke you later.
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. In fact don’t even stay with him, he doesn’t value you as a partner or even as a human being. You’re an incubator and a future caregiver to further his lineage.
No advice, just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear this happened to you. Just know, no matter what your husband said, you are no less of a woman and will be no less of a mother if you are fortunate enough to conceive some day. Hopefully, once you’re past the mechanics and give birth, those feelings he has will fade and become just a sad part of the past. Again – you have nothing to be sorry, ashamed, or upset over (other than his reaction).
He’s awful. You should leave.
Divorce. This man is a fucking loser.
This infuriates me. He is horrible! I would seriously reconsider choosing to have a child with this man.
Have his mates talk to him. Because they can properly punch him in the nuts once he brings up this particular viewpoint. And, hopefully, inform him that he is in the early 21st century and should be freakin’ happy that technology allows you two to have children at all.
Or, you know, send him back to the 17th century to churn his own butter all day. Which…hell, he might end up doing that anyway.
DIVORCE
you can’t have a daughter with this man
Www
You should divorce him immediately
First, thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. Your message is clear, heartfelt, and courageous—and your English is excellent. You’ve communicated something incredibly painful with honesty and grace.
Let’s begin with this truth: you are not the problem. Endometriosis is a medical condition. It’s not a moral failure, a reflection of your worth, or a measurement of your femininity. It is something that happened to you—not something you chose. And despite that, you’re still showing strength, compassion, and an incredible desire to move forward.
Your husband’s initial support seems to have given way to something else—something not just unkind, but deeply unfair. Saying things like “you could have been normal” or “I thought I was marrying a real woman” is cruel. It’s not just frustration—it’s verbal and emotional harm. Wanting a child does not give him the right to belittle you, blame you, or make you carry shame that does not belong to you.
You are trying to find a path forward. You are trying to build something beautiful out of something difficult. He, right now, is projecting pain onto you instead of walking beside you.
You asked how to help him feel better about “the way you are.” But respectfully, that question is backwards. He should be asking how he can support you—how he can process his own emotions without weaponizing them. IVF is a journey many couples face, and it’s hard enough without feeling alone in it.
You deserve a partner who values you completely—not only when things are easy, but especially when they are not.
So ask yourself this gently:
Is his anger about the situation? Or is it revealing something deeper about his capacity for empathy, for partnership, for love without conditions?
Whatever decision you make next—IVF, counseling, conversations—you deserve support, not shame. Compassion, not criticism.
And please know: you are already whole. You are already a “real woman.” And you are not alone.
In Israel, psychological abuse, repeated conflict, or serious incompatibility may be considered as grounds to divorce.
Time to find a real man
He didn’t abide by the in sickness and in health vows hey
Did this guy walk right out of handmaids tale?
Sounds like a loving husband . I’m sure you will
Have a lovely life together Z
Tell him ‘maybe your swimmers didn’t make the team’
You married a bad man.
I only read your headline and my mouth dropped. This is awful. 100% awful. My gosh…. wow. He has the emotional intelligence of a door knob! DO NOT have a child with this man. Goodness gracious.
You could have been normal and like everyone else??? Why does he think IVF even exist? It’s BECAUSE so many people are having issues with fertility that IVF was developed in the first place!
Your so called husband is:
-cruel
-uneducated & misinformed
-sexist
-an idiot
Is this the kind of father you want for your kids? What if you have a daughter and she has health issues that affect her fertility? What if your so called husband tells your daughter she’s not a real woman???
What if you have a son and he is infertile? Will his father chide his own son, telling him he’s not a real man???
OP, wake up and smell the end of your marriage. Do noy go through the pain and cost of IVF with a man who doesn’t even support you, who will not stand by you.
I don’t know what religion you are and if you do wedding vows, but I’m sure standing by your spouse through bad times & good is the basis of a good marriage.
Leave him, divorce him, he can find some other girl to impregnate and impress his family with. You need to focus on yourself and your health now, in a safe and caring environment!
Divorce him. Irreconcilable differences. Do not have a baby in any form with a man who’s too immature to respect you.