So my partner (24M – though technically more of an M/F than an M or an NB) and I (23F) have been together for 14 months. He is genderfluid. I have always been supportive of his “girl days” (his own term) where he dresses more feminine, I think he/she looks cute on those days too.
Recently (a couple of weeks ago), however, she mentioned wanting to try HRT to become more androgynous so that he could “pass” more easily on girl days. He tried to sell me on “Well it would give me breasts, reduce body hair, give me hips, and thicken my hair on my head.” I was a little taken aback. I’ve known he was genderfluid for basically our whole relationship but when he first told me I remember asking him about potentially transitioning or something and he said “No. I’m happy with my body.” But now that has seemed to change. I expressed my concerns with fertility and changes to sex, since I think that is important in a relationship. He said it would make him last longer but fertility might be a valid concern.
Well, I guess he wasn’t happy with the outcome of the conversation a couple of weeks ago because he brought it up again last night. I told him that he shouldn’t be looking to me for “permission” it’s his body and he can do what he wants with it, but I also reserve the right to leave the relationship if I think that we’re incompatible if I don’t find him/her attractive anymore or if the sex is really bad. He got upset, basically saying he would have hoped I would be more “supportive” and “in his corner” and that this is just in the realm of genderfluid. I told him that I have supported him and loved him through every era of his genderfluidness that he has shown me so far but that this was a little much and a little new. He encouraged me to do my own research. He asked me why HRT was so different than just dressing and acting feminine. I told him it’s because it’s more potentially permanent changes to his body and I like him the way that he is. I also explained that it seemed closer to fully transitioning which I think is a very big step and conversation and he replied with, “And? So what if I did?” Which also struck me as a bit odd since a few months ago he said he wouldn’t even consider it.
I did look into it and I think that there are additional side effects that he’s not considering and is kinda just thinking it’ll be the perfect solution to androgeny and gender dysphoria. It wouldn’t make him last longer, it would give him lower libido and erectile dysfunction. Plus infertility. The breasts would also be irreversible. This is going to sound incredibly tone deaf, and maybe it is, I don’t know, but if he were to not fully transition he would basically just end up like someone with Klinefelter’s Syndrome.
I guess my problem is that I don’t know if I am being unreasonably unsupportive of my partner. I don’t know if it’s fair of him to expect me to stay when he springs something as big as this on me with so many changes (some of which may be irreversible). People deserve to be attracted to their partner, right? I also know he deserves to feel supported.
He said he isn’t even sure if he wants to go through with it but was disappointed that I wasn’t more supportive and basically threatened to breakup with him if he did, but I don’t think that’s what I did at all. He can do it, but I can’t promise that we’ll still be compatible if he does. I don’t think that’s an unrealistic approach.
I don’t know. I’m kinda at a loss and after a year it sorta feels like he just sprang this on me. I told him to maybe talk to a therapist to sort out his feelings since even he seems to be suddenly questioning a lot of stuff and I don’t know if jumping into HRT is the solve-all that she’s hoping for. I don’t know how to approach the conversation again after my research and I don’t know if I should just kinda break things off now between us.
TL;DR: my partner wants to start HRT and doesn’t feel supported by me being hesitant about it. I don’t know what to do about it and whether I should breakup with him/her since we seem to be incompatible on this issue. I also don’t know if I am being unreasonable.
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I think you have a legit reason to break up. If you’re uncomfortable then there nothing wrong with not wanting to be with that person
As a trans person, you are not being unreasonable but it’s also not hugely surprising to me that HRT was originally not something your partner expressed interest in but now is. It’s pretty common to start with social changes or minor physical changes, like name and pronouns, hairstyles, clothing etc and decide later to pursue some medical aspects of transition. In my social circles, I see that especially with people who are not binary. My advice to your partner would be to not hold back on aspects of transition that feel right out of fear of losing a romantic relationship.
But you’re also not wrong for being uncertain about how this might negatively impact your desire to be in this relationship. Sometimes people are compatible as who they are when they meet but not compatible as who they grow into over time. That can happen for a variety of reasons (like one person changing their mind on kids) and it hurts but it’s okay. You deserve to be attracted to your partner and your partner deserves to be in a relationship with someone who finds them attractive in a body that feels right.
People change and it’s okay to not walk the same road with them. You can be supportive and still be true to yourself and your wants/needs.
I get it. It’s a minefield. You are scared to be perceived as phobic or close minded.
But they are being myopic and egocentric thinking that there will not be or should not be any feeling about the situation on your part.
The issue here is that their expectation is that they can change some pretty major things and you’re just supposed to accept that and carry on as is. That’s not realistic.
I think you’ve handled this the best you can. They can do as they wish and if at any point, it’s not working for you, you can end things. That doesn’t make you a phobe of anything. It means you have preferences and needs in/from a partner that they no longer meet.
I have a couple of friends who have been through this and my “niece in law” is going through it with her partner right now. They went through a few years of “him” toying with the “girl days” and they are now fully transitioned to feminine pronouns and name and are female presenting 100%. Getting ready to start hormone therapy.
You (and my friends and niece) can be supportive but simultaneously know that it’s not longer a good fit for you at some point. That doesn’t make you a monster.
I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong to feel that way, but I can get why your partner is hurt, saying “I reserve the right to break up with you if I don’t like how you look or our sex” could have maybe remained unsaid. I can understand your apprehension and suggesting some gender therapy first, but it sounded like your response was a bit more “…okay” that it was supportive
At the end of the day you have a right to your preferences. If they are no longer attractive to you then leave. If you make major physical changes to your appearance then you shouldn’t be surprised if your partner does not necessarily like them.
You are with someone with severe mental health issues. Always keep that In mind when dealing with them.
You’ve only dated for 14 mths…changing his sex is a big deal and if you are not ok with it you are not obligated to support nor stay with him in a relationship. His idea of his gender has changed he should not be getting upset with you about him wanting to start taking hormone replacement.
hey, you’ve gotten some good answers here but i’d also post on r/mypartneristrans if you haven’t already! they give good advice for exactly this situation. you might not be compatible but that’s ok. you both deserve to be with someone who’s excited to be with you/them.
Breasts are irreversible excluding surgery yes, breast growth is usually not super large and takes A LOT of time though.
Infertility is almost garanteed while taking hrt but can come back if you take a break (very badly studied however), freezing sperm is a thing though.
Libido goes down a lot but does come back to varying degrees after time and there are cases of it going way beyond pre-HRT (probably due to the importance of being comfortable in yourself.
Erectile dysfunction is not at all garanteed as long as you keep “using it” (getting erections), though erections will probably be a little softer, however you can take medicine like viagra as a fix.
Lasting longer is probably real, orgasms change and are less of a hard stop as well, refractory period can disappear completely.
Most side effects, like increased breast cancer risk and others, are pretty much just part of having an estrogen-dominated system. Like breast cancer risk doesn’t usually even reach cis levels and prostate cancer risk goes down and cholesterole goes down and a bunch of stuff.
I would personally say that you both read up on it a lot more, watch trans people talking about it cause a bunch of info is usually missing in articles and experiences vary somewhat and it is unstudied as heck. If your partner feels it is right for them then it is and if you feel incompatable with that then you are. I would just advise taking a bit of time with it and talking with him/her about it and just try to hear them out. Your feelings are valid and important as well, just know that HRT is usually extremely helpful for those who take it and reduces dysphoria and increases happiness, if they decide they want it then it almost definitely the right choice, aging with an incompatible body can be absolute torture.
I hope all goes well, this will probably be a hard time for both of you but it is for the best in the long run.