Okay, so it’s totally okay if you go to your partner to talk about things that are upsetting you. Same for them coming to you. I get it, it’s normal to do that.
What my boyfriend of two years does is a bit much. Literally, we were having a completely normal conversation. We were talking about a TV show we really enjoy after I had just gotten off of a twelve-hour shift. I just wanted an easy evening, and I told him that. I told him that right now I don’t have the mental space to deal with anything else on top of what I already am dealing with(a friend of mine just killed herself not even two days ago, and I’m a nurse, so I’m exhausted on top of everything else). It was cool and chill until I stopped talking to turn on said show for us to watch. Then, out of nowhere, he started talking about how much he hated his dad. This would be fine if it didn’t happen every time we spoke.
Like, even on the day I found out my best friend in the entire world killed herself, he started talking about his dad and about how much he doesn’t like him and how he doesn’t feel respected by him and about how much it sucks that his dad won’t change. I get it, not having a good relationship with a parent is hard and I give him the space to talk about it usually, but I just can’t handle it right now. Literally I got off the phone with my friend’s sobbing mom and I was in a weird foggy headspace where nothing felt real. I told him what was up, he said sorry and hugged me, and then not even fifteen minutes later, the same conversation that we’ve had a million times came up again. I ended up just sitting there barely paying attention while he talked at me for over an hour before I excused myself and took a bath.
I told him very bluntly tonight that I really just need a few days to mentally recover, and I don’t believe I’m in the space to comfort him the way he needs, and he totally flipped out on me. He called me a bitch, told me I was completely selfish and that he needs to talk about his dad so he doesn’t obsess over it. He told me I don’t understand what he’s going through because I never had a dad in my life to begin with. I got defensive because that comment hurt my feelings, which made everything worse. I told him that, yeah, I didn’t have a relationship with my dad but I don’t spend every hour of every day talking about it. He ended up screaming at me that I need to shut my fucking mouth and he hit the wall beside my head. Then he got his car keys and drove off, leaving me there. He still isn’t back and it’s 1am. His location is off, he hasn’t returned my phone calls. All I got from him was a concerning text message around 11:30 saying, “You’re completely unempathetic to what I’m going through. I hope you think about your actions.”
I don’t know what to do going forward from here. I want to have a conversation with him about all of this when he gets home, but I don’t even know where to start. This is the first time in our entire relationship where I’ve told him I don’t have the mental space. This is also the first time in our relationship where he’s stormed out like this. I feel guilty because I know the relationship with his dad upsets him, and I absolutely shouldn’t have gotten defensive, but I just don’t have it in me to offer comfort. Is there any other way I can say to him that I don’t have the space?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Even at the time he’s supposed to be comforting you and let you grieve, he wants you to coddle him. Leave for your own mental peace.
He called you selfish, hypocrite much?
Dump him. He doesn’t want a partner, he wants an unpaid therapist. Until he becomes mature enough to realize that his feelings and his problems are not the center of the universe, he’s just gonna drain you.
Nope i could never, imagine your life just being a constant trauma dump. Every now and them, fine. But at this point this guy needs therapy. Turning your S.O into your therapist is super unhealthy, and will lead to caretaker fatigue, not even in the fact that your friend just died and he didnt even try to check into seeing what you needed. He can take his daddy issues, and leave. Exhausting.