We both worked at the dealership where we met, he was moving into a manager position when we started forming a relationship so he wanted me to quit if we were going to be together, which I did because I was only a receptionist. Then shortly after he wanted me to move in with him, and I’ve been living here for a year and a half. I took a long break after quitting because he was making enough money to comfortably provide for us both, which he told me he was fine with. Then I started a small candle business which I did for 4-5 months and made about $500 from until I realized it just wasn’t for me and the market was over saturated. He was very supportive about it and went with me to a market as well. After I stopped making candles I tried to start a digital product business but it didn’t amount to anything, and I was feeling pretty burned out so I took a break from trying to start another side hustle.
My partner ended up quitting his job because of stress and health issues which put a huge strain on our finances. All of the bills he had accumulated only accounted for his manager salary and not the $48,000 a year job he took afterwards, so I needed to find a job as well. It was a very difficult process, I was applying everyday and getting ghosted or ignored, walking into stores and having them tell me to just apply online, etc. It took a few months but I now have a part time retail job which is physically draining so I’m going to start looking for a full time position again soon.
We had an argument the other week and he told me that when he let me quit my job all I did was sit on my lazy ass, and that I didn’t even try to make the candle business work because I half-assed everything. Even when he was working full time and I was home by myself I’d always make sure it was clean and the chores were done, so it wasn’t like I was doing NOTHING and just mooching off of him. Lately if I leave the dishes from dinner in the sink until the next morning or afternoon he’ll get upset and start telling me that I never clean anything. When we try to deep clean the house together, I’ll only be able to get the bathroom and the bedroom done because he’s already done the living room, kitchen, guest bedroom and his bathroom in one hour, so he’ll bring that up too and frame it as him doing all the work.
Today though, I called out of my shift for Ross because 1. They gave me late evening hours when I told them my availability is early morning and 2. I did the late shift yesterday when they needed it, stayed a full 8 hours doing constant physical labor and standing on my feet with minimal breaks. I could barely walk today without limping or having a shooting pain in my ankle bone when I put pressure on it, plus I felt nauseous from exhaustion and not eating any good meals. They only scheduled me for those two shifts this week so I already felt guilty about calling out, and when I told him I wouldn’t be working today he scoffed. So I said “is that a problem?” And he said “whatever, it’s your life.” And ignored me when I asked if he thought I was lazy. Sometimes when I come home from a shift I’ll tell him that I’m extremely sore and tired and he’ll brush it off as me just being dramatic and that it can’t be that hard to hang and tag clothes without taking into account that the work is CONSTANT and you’re treated like a machine who needs to get clothes out quickly or the world is going to end. Lifting 60 pound boxes of apparel, breaking them down, having to run huge heavy racks of clothes to the floor picking up 10 hangers at a time with heavy denim jeans and things so you can get it done in 10 minutes.
He acts like I don’t have a work ethic or any ambition because of all the things that have been going wrong in my life. I’ve had full time jobs for 2+ years at a time and have provided for myself, but now since I’m struggling to find good work and burnt out mentally I’m suddenly lazy and haven’t done anything besides sit on my ass.
Is there any way I can just ignore his judgements about me even though we live together and I would like his support?
TLDR;
Met boyfriend at our job. He moved into a manager position and asked me to quit if we wanted to be together. Later he asked me to move in with him and said he was fine providing for both of us while I take a break from working. I started a candle business and worked on it for 4-5 months and made $500 until I realized it wasn’t for me and stopped. I tried to start another business after that but got burned out and took another break. My partner then quit his job because of stress and health issues which meant I had to get a job to keep up with all the bills he has. It took me a few months because jobs were ignoring or ghosting me but I got a part time retail job for now until I can find something else. During an argument my boyfriend said all I did after I quit and moved in with him was sit on my lazy ass. He complains that I never help him or do any chores if I leave something like dishes for the next morning. I called out of my shift today even though I was only scheduled two days this week because I physically couldn’t walk without limping due to yesterday’s grueling 8 hour shift. When I told him I wasn’t working today he scoffed and said “whatever, it’s your life.” I’m struggling right now with a lot of things in my life which has led to more stress and burnout so I can see how he would think I don’t have a work ethic or ambition anymore but that’s all I wish I could have. Is there anyway I can ignore his judgments even though we live together and I’d like his support?
Comments
He sounds like a jerk. I know everyone says this and it’s easier said than done but I’d leave.
Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. He is using finances as a weapon. Find a way to move out.