I recently entered a relationship about 3 months ago with a man that is about 3 years older than me (23M, 20F). This is definitely a change for me and my dating history, but he does a lot of things for me and genuinely cares about me. However– I am starting to notice something that has been bothering me recently. He tends to make statements that can seem braggy and cocky that don’t always add up… and could be possibly lying. First, some examples of these comments that are very arrogant:
“I’m much more ahead of other guys my age”
“I make more working (here) than the average family household income in America”
We worked in a restaurant together, and he was always the person that had the highest sales but never helped do side-work or run food. It ended up making me feel very down, because I constantly struggled balancing the side work and tables and he would always reinforce how he was the best server there and the managers would always go to him for advice. I even said one time that I was feeling better about my work ethic when the manager starting respecting me more, and he told me it was because I was dating him and the manager knows he woudn’t choose a partner of poor character.
I recently had an event with my friends (like a formal dance at my college) and I invited him. He got along with people after getting into an argument about how he wouldn’t like these “frat” guys because they barely know anything about stocks and they are still getting money from their parents, where he makes a couple hundred a day (he tells me) on the stock market. The entire time, he was trying to “recruit” one of my friends dates to be an intern at the company he is going to work with after he graduates this year. I felt like it was very performative and he tried asserting his dominance. He also told my friend how much money he will be making as an insurance agent, which is what he interned to do (which is extremely selective he told me, so I don’t know why he was recruiting someone random, lol). He told me he was going to be making upwards of 300,000 after 2 years of work, which was an interesting statement when I have repeatedly told him I do not care about income at all.
He told me he got into these top Ivy-League schools but proceeded to go to a small in-state school that wasn’t nationally known (nothing wrong with that, but it just didn’t make sense). One of my friends is an admissions person at my school and was able to see if he applied to the school I go to (that he claimed he got a full ride towards) and there was no history of him applying (until when he transferred from his old school to community college and another school). He is smart and driven, and I applaud him for that but wonder how fraudulent this could be.
I brought these behaviors up to him and told him I felt like he was relying on convincing me he was “different” as his self-identity. I told him he didn’t need to remind me he was “different” and I love him for his intrinsic qualities. He told me I am sensitive to money and that after his rough upbringing, he is allowed to pride himself on “beating the statistics” which say he shouldn’t have anything he has currently. He has done well for himself and is about to graduate college which is a great achievement! He just didn’t understand when I tried talking about how his attitude could be percieved by other people and how it could rub off on me poorly (especially when many of my friends noticed it at the event we went to).
I often feel like it subconsciously devalues me and makes me feel like I need to pay special attention to the arrogant things he says. It gives me the heeby-jeebies and makes me feel very closed-off. He has made comments before about how if I realized how intelligent and pretty I was, I wouldn’t be with him. These are extremely harmful comments because he believes I have a low-self esteem (which he has told me, and I am very secure in myself) and says that he is just a confident man. Is this something I can chat with him more about? Is this a result of a relationship insecurity?
TL;DR : My boyfriend thinks he is “different” and better than people his age for numerous reasons, but sees comments like that as confident instead of cocky. They rub me the wrong way and make me devalue myself. How do I get him to realize other people notice and comment on his behavior?
Comments
He lies. Those are lies
He’s not acting this way because of you, he would still be arrogant and act cocky even if he was single because this is who he is. If you don’t like who he is (and I don’t blame you) then you break up. You don’t try to make him change his behavior, he has a right to be who he wants to be.
Call him out: cocky guys are insecure. When he blows his top about how better he is than someone else, maybe go ahead and play some devil’s advocate- respond with how you actually enjoy some certain aspect of whomever he is attacking in the moment, and see if he doubles down or if he takes that opportunity to disrespect you. You can read his cockiness as a coping method, which makes the experience of being with him more endearing and understandable. He is being an asshole because he feels threatened or cornered or challenged by something, and rather than tackle the thing, he wants to squeal at it from a safe distance.
Liars rarely change. They just get better at lying. He sounds so insufferable even if those things WERE true.
lying is a dealbreaker for me, personally. trust is a necessary foundation for a healthy relationship, and people shouldn’t date people they don’t trust.
a lot of your examples here sounds like young braggadocio, the trying too hard out of insecurity. that’s unfortunately pretty normal for new adults, but as a society, we’re making progress on that. and a lot of people outgrow that nonsense eventually, thankfully.
>He has made comments before about how if I realized how intelligent and pretty I was, I wouldn’t be with him.
yeah, that’s some insecure dipshittery.
and if you feel heebie-jeebies about it, if he’s talking down to you and saying things about you that aren’t true (like about your self-esteem), then you shouldn’t have to put up with it.
now, he can outgrow this silliness if he puts the work in, but also remember it’s not your job to make that happen. he has to do that work, and he has to want to do that work. you can help if you choose to, but again, that’s not your job.
He cray won’t end well trust ur intuition
This is who he is, and you should not expect his behavior to change. Just break up. Why be with somebody that makes you feel this way? I’m sure he has good qualities, but so does everyone else in the world. Find somebody you’re more compatible with.