My girlfriend (22F) and I (23M) are going on a trip tomorrow, so we were packing our bags. Since we’re flying with Spirit Airlines, we planned to only bring personal items. I have two backpacks I usually choose from for plane rides: a small one and a slightly larger one. My girlfriend offered to pack for me while I did the dishes, and I agreed. I mentioned that I thought we should use the larger backpack so I could fit more clothes for the trip.
She got upset and said the larger backpack might not be allowed as a personal item by Spirit and we could be charged. I told her I’ve flown with that same bag before without any issues, but she was still frustrated and insisted I use the smaller one. I didn’t want to argue, so I just agreed to use the smaller backpack.
After finishing the dishes, I went to start packing my clothes. She had just finished packing her own bag and hadn’t started mine yet. As I began choosing clothes, she got annoyed with me again for “being too slow” and said I was “slowing her down.” I ignored her comments and kept picking out clothes to wear. Then she suddenly took them and began stuffing clothes into the small backpack herself.
The bag filled up quickly, and it became clear that I wouldn’t be able to fit everything I needed. I told her I wanted to switch to the larger backpack since the smaller one wasn’t going to cut it. As soon as I said that, she became furious. She started yelling at me, saying I didn’t respect her time packing the bag (which took 15 seconds max btw) and that I never appreciated anything she did. She screamed at me, saying awful things, and I calmly asked her to stop yelling and show some respect (this has happened before, and I’ve asked her the same thing in the past).
But she didn’t stop. She screamed louder and angrier. Then she slammed her phone, her charger, and one of my colognes on the ground, shattering it and spilling it everywhere. Not long after, she started threatening to kill herself. She began slapping herself in the face and banging the back of her head on the wall. She said I was mean to her and that’s why she behaves this way. Then she slapped me hard on the left cheek.
Still screaming, she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and again threatened to kill herself. I panicked and restrained her hand, not willing to let her hurt herself. The knife dropped, and I let go. She collapsed on the floor crying and screaming until she eventually got up and went to shower.
At this point, I’m just in shock and having a mini breakdown of my own. While I’m having my panic attack, she screamed at me to clean up the mess (glass shards and spilled cologne) and told me I had to take care of it all. I started mopping it up with paper towels and sweeping up the glass while she continued to yell from the shower, ordering me to clean up her mess. She blamed the entire situation on me, saying I was rude and inconsiderate.
Then she said that if I didn’t stop being “mad” at her (I was upset/scared after everything that had just happened), she would kill herself with the razor in the shower. WTF. I took the razor from her and let her shower alone while I finished cleaning up outside.
After her shower, she came out calmer and apologized for everything she’d done. She said she was just feeling sad and thought I didn’t value her or her time. I told her that didn’t excuse her behavior and that I couldn’t continue in such a toxic relationship, especially since this isn’t the first time. She’s screamed at me in public before and in front of family, and has had similar explosive reactions over small disagreements.
I gently suggested that maybe she consider therapy or medication to help manage these emotional crises. She said she’s tried therapy before and that the doctors didn’t diagnose her with anything. So instead of getting help, she lets her rage out on me every time and I’m expected to take it all and then just comfort her at the end.
She insists she doesn’t verbally abuse me, but this pattern of behavior (screaming, hitting, breaking things, threatening suicide) is something I’ve experienced repeatedly. She’s slapped me, kneed me in the balls before, and blamed me every time, making me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. I second guess myself all the time wondering if I’m the problem.
I genuinely love her and don’t want her to hurt herself, but I’m reaching my limit. I’m terrified to leave because I fear she might do something drastic, but I also know I can’t keep living like this. My mental health is deteriorating, and I feel myself slipping into depression.
I want her to get the professional help she needs so our relationship can have a chance, because she truly means the world to me. But her anger is escalating every time, and I’m scared of what the next time might look like. She’s usually easy to talk to, but extremely defensive and almost never takes accountability. Talking to her feels like walking on eggshells, and I never know what will set her off.
I’m not sure what to do next. I love my girlfriend and I’m genuinely worried about her mental health and safety, but I’m also struggling with my own well-being in this relationship. I want to be supportive, but I can’t keep going through these emotional explosions and threats.
How can I encourage my girlfriend to get the professional help she needs without triggering another outburst? Is there a safe way to support her while also protecting my own mental health? And is it even possible to make a relationship like this work? Or is it time to walk away for my own safety and sanity.
TLDR: My (23M) girlfriend (22F) had a major meltdown while we were packing, screamed at me, broke my things, slapped me, and threatened suicide multiple times. I had to physically stop her from hurting herself. This isn’t the first time and it’s a pattern. She refuses therapy, blames me, and I’m scared to leave because I fear she’ll harm herself. I love her, but my mental health is suffering. How can I handle this in a way that protects my well-being and encourages her to get help?
Thanks for the advice!! And sorry for the word wall lol
Comments
Break up with her, inform her parents and the police about her threats to herself, then block her and go no contact. You are being abused.
Your girlfriend, as you said, has some mental issues that need the help of a therapist at least. I suggest you discuss the possibility of her going to therapy for her sake but you are being abused here and are not the problem.
Let’s roll back to the original issue. You wanted to take your own bag, the one you knew was acceptable, with your own stuff on the trip. There’s absolutely no reason for your girlfriend to behave this way toward you over a bag. The past abuse shows it’s better if you get out of this relationship for your own mental health and potentially physical safety. Her instability shows she is using suicide as a method to control you, her emotions are anger when threatening in order to control you. This is not an honest conversation where someone is expressing ideations and needs love and support. I understand you might be worried about what will happen to her but, the actions of another person are not your responsibility. Don’t forget to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.
You gotta cut ties with her. You can ask for support from professionals on how to handle it, because she is dangerous and you are yourself at risk if you break up in private.
She does indeed need help but you can’t provide it, you need authorities (and possibly her family, if they are good and willing to do so) to help her.
This won’t get better.
My dude, to change she must want to improve herself. You can’t lit yourself on fire to keep her from burning herself.
Please, leave and run as far away as you can, she’s abusive and manipulative.
I’m scared for you. Get out, you’re being abused.
I used to be the gf in this story, minus the screaming and hitting. When I get frustrated with anything going wrong in my life. I would spiral in an episode of just tears and strong emotions. I was really reactive and then SH as a way to feel something different than the overwhelming emotions. I later realized that this is not a healthy way to live and treat my partner after a suicidal attempt. I got admitted to the psychiatric unit and it took a long and hard way to actually be able to stable my intense emotions. But the key is she has to want to help herself. You can’t force her to realize/ do anything different. If your support is going nowhere and you are still being treated poorly in your relationship. I think you have to reevaluate it. Hope you feeling okay.
This woman is physically, emotionally, and mentally abusing you. Her behavior is inexcusable and unacceptable. Do not go on this trip, stay home and make your exit plan.
Under no circumstances should you tolerate this sort of treatment. It is abuse. It is not okay. Period.
BTW, the amount of times an abuser has killed themselves after threatening to when their victim leaves, is zero (0).
Unfortunately, abusive pieces of shit seem to live forever.
You can’t stay in this situation – it will only continue to get worse!!! It’ll hurt to leave, but once someone physically hurts their partner on purpose the likelihood of making it out of that relationship alive plummets. You deserve happiness and safety. Don’t become a statistic and don’t dig your heels in trying to fix her.
Break up with her and inform her family or someone who will be able to look after her if shit hits the fan. Record the interaction if possible and know your local recording laws. Have someone you trust nearby for safety reasons. If you don’t feel safe doing it in person, do it via text.
If you ever think someone may truly hurt themselves, never hesitate to call the police. Police intervention isn’t ideal and is often traumatic but we prefer traumatized, safe, and alive over hurting herself and others.
And remember, if she does something drastic, that is NOT your fault nor is it your responsibility.