i don’t know if the title makes sense but bear with me and please read the post in full.
my partner has pretty severe ADHD, to the point where daily life is a struggle—eating, sleeping, remembering chores and appointments. they also smoke weed daily which helps with sleep and anxiety but doesn’t help their memory.
they have apparently had a really bad memory since childhood; they don’t remember serious conversations with relatives (immigration stories, war survivors, etc). i can tell how much this frustrates them, they feel really guilty about it, and it’s painful to see them struggle with it.
my worry comes from an ongoing struggle within our relationship. they have forgotten whole conversations we had, ones where i talked about past trauma, things they said to me that hurt my feelings, or really small things, like instructions for cooking, doing laundry, the place where we keep cleaning supplies, what types of materials can be recycled. i try to help with the little things as much as possible—i’ve printed out recipes, labeled drawers, and taped instructions to the recycling bin. that usually helps, although they sometimes forget to check the lists—specifically the recycling one, which drives me a little crazy. sometimes i start to feel kind of gross, like i’m parenting them, which we’ve talked about, and we stop and “reset” whenever it starts to feel icky/weird/like i’m doing too much.
writing lists is one thing, and it’s fine, but i hate having to re-explain conversations and arguments we’ve had when they forget them. i try to be impartial and state what i remember happening exactly as it happened, but i know i’m not a perfect narrator and there are things i’ve left out or forgotten. i start getting brain fog, like i’m not even clear on the details anymore, and i forget what we had even been arguing about in the first place. i always try stressing that my memory is imperfect and i could be wrong whenever i recount things to them.
my worst fear is that i’m just feeding them my version of events and gaslighting them into my perspective. i’ve tried to think of solutions to this, everything i can think of just feels even worse. like, “well if you can’t remember maybe it’s not that important and we can move on” or “what do you think happened?” because if i say things like that, they seem so defeated, upset at themself for forgetting. i love them so so so much and it hurts to see them in pain.
have other people experienced this, and if so, how did you help your partner/what did you guys figure out that worked? thank you, and please be kind and respectful, i’m just a person and i love my partner a lot.
TL;DR my partner has a bad memory and i try to help them, but i’m worried that recounting events and arguments to them does more harm than good and it feels gaslight-y.
Comments
Have they tried medication for ADHD?
Gaslighting is intentionally trying to make your partner think they are going crazy and remembering things wrong. Unless you’re lying, you’re not gaslighting. They don’t appear to be doing anything to mitigate this, like taking notes, and are placing the onus to remember everything on you. No one is infallible, so you’re going to forget details sometimes. As long as you’re not making stuff up you’re ok.