For context i would consider myself polyamorous without the energy to sustain multiple relationships.
I also don’t enjoy sleeping with people i don’t have a emotional connection with, so how it plays out is that even if i am technically in a monogamous relationship i wouldn’t really experience jealousy if my partner would seek out other people.
So yesterday my phone died and i really wanted to look up a specific recipe so i could prep the dough for some sourdough bagels that proofs overnight so i could have some fresh bagels for lunch (little spoon farm if anyone is wondering).
I took his phone and asked if he would also want bagels, to know if i should halve or quarter the recipe and what his phone password was again, he has told me before i just have a bad memory for that stuff.
When he looked over he saw his phone in my hand and suddenly started freaking out.
It was weird because i don’t think i’ve ever seen him that frantic especially when he ran over and grabbed the phone.
I tried to ask what was wrong and he didn’t respond and after what like a while he started crying and confessing to cheating and how he was stupid for that and that it meant nothing etc etc.
I asked him to elaborate but he was rambling about how much he loved me and that he would do anything to keep me from breaking up with him which was also confusing because i have been very open about the fact that if he did develop feelings for someone I would be fine with it as long as it doesn’t mean neglecting our relationship and I would genuinely encourage it if it made him happier.
During the breakdown he started admitting to when it started and how it happened (she is a coworker of his, she gave him her number and the conversation slowly turned inappropriate and then things escalated etc)
I again did my best to comfort him and said that i was not going to break up with him over this and he should maybe sleep since i could tell being tired was making him more incoherent. he agreed and went to sleep on the couch even when i insisted he didn’t need to.
I tried to sleep but couldn’t so i started thinking back and with what he’s told me it doesn’t add up.
He mentioned timelines that don’t add up and some details of the story seem off.
She worked in his office for 6 months yet he saw her for the first time 4 weeks ago.
At one point he said it was only ever online but then later said they ended up kissing once.
Neither of them told anyone yet he was having problems with HR.
She was my age but then later he mentioned how it was hard for him to resist the advances of a younger woman
It could all be attributed to being tired or in distress or with the hr maybe she did tell someone etc but all together i can’t shake the feeling that he’s lying for some reason? Also even after he confessed he never let me use his phone.
I don’t know , I feel a bit crazy and I just can’t sleep.
We live together and have been together for 2,5 years and this is the first time I’ve seen him so emotional.
Is he lying?
If so why would he lie?
Why is he so upset when he knows im okay with it?
How can i actually have a constructive conversation when he won’t listen to me?
TLDR: Boyfriend freaked out when he saw i had his phone, admitted to cheating but his story doesn’t add up and now i don’t get bagels.
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My guess is that he thinks you’re going to be mad when you find out the details, so he lied about them, and now that you had time to think about it all, it doesn’t add up.
Only you can tell if you feel cheated on, and if this hurts your poly heart. The lying may be a separate issue for you. You are the one that gets to decide all this.
I’m super sorry you don’t get the bagels on top of everything else.
He’s trying to prevent you from successfully making bagels. That is the only plausible explanation. /j
On a serious note, it sounds like he’s either cheated multiple times or he’s lying about something else and thought cheating would be a better cover story.
Has anything else been off about him lately or been weird in your household/relationship?
It’s the lying for me, tbh. You’re fine with him having another partner it, so don’t overthink it.
I would tell him though that lying is a nono and you don’t want that to happen again. Set some rules: do you wanna know about other people? Is having feelings ok? Are some days exclusively reserved to both of you?
I think he kind of did it because he knew you would be fine with it, and then freaked out because he didn’t tell you.
OR he isn’t poly and if you did the same he would be be totally devastated and is projecting his feeling onto you and that again would mean that he did cheat, in his mind. I mean there is a difference between “Yeah, my girl and I are poly so let’s make out, she wouldn’t mind.” and “I’m not happy with my relationship so would you please give me whatever is lacking at home behind her back?”
imma be real, i think you are use to this behavior and tired of fighting it. Or you don’t value yourself enough to stand up to it. The stuff you said shows you kinda aren’t okay with this behavior. I hope you find peace and another dude that makes you feel better than him