My boyfriend of about 9 months has always turned down the idea of me going on birth control.
He never refuses to use a condom if I ask, but there’s been a handful of times where we haven’t and we had a pregnancy “scare”. After that I was insisting on going to my doctor and getting put on birth control but he said no because he’s worried about it effecting me in negative ways. I’m not exactly sure what negative things he’s worried about. Is there a deeper reason why he may not want me on birth control?
For context, we have both talked and agreed we are not ready for kids and we discuss that regularly, mostly for me to make sure we’re on the same page. And my doctor is over an hour away because I moved and well, family doctor shortage/long wait list is hell right now. I don’t drive and he is my main source of transportation, so he is refusing to drive me to my doctor too.
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It’s your choice, not his.
Birth control affects your hormones, for me it affects my sex drive. You’re more likely to get depression, there’s other things. But if you aren’t ready for a baby just keep (consistently) using condoms.
>Is there a deeper reason why he may not want me on birth control?
There could be, or he may simply be clueless about the effects of hormonal birth control. Either way, it’s not his decision to make. But the fact that he’s refusing to take you to your doctor is a major issue, and for me would be breakup-worthy. Is there no one else who can help you?
Who cares what he wants? Why on earth would it be his decision? How desperate are you to be with such a selfish and uncaring person?
Would never chance this shit
Refusing to drive you to your doctor?!??
There’s having an opinion and there’s exercising control. He has no right to this control. Forget birth control. (Seriously, don’t forget birth control) You need to re-assess. If you want this relationship, you need to set some firm boundaries. If this behavior makes you decide you don’t want it, walk away.
Edit for clarity
So here’s the question – if you have an unintended pregnancy, what’s your plan Go talk to a professional who can explain every option and bring him along with you. Pregnancy is no joke and if you are in the US, this is not a great time to have an unintended pregnancy. While some people have side effects from certain types of contraceptives, the vast majority don’t. I urge you to explore all the different options until you find something that works for you. People frequently come to my office and say that they “don’t like birth control “, but that is a large Category of products and methods, and chances are you have not been well educated about all your options. Maybe there are other things that you want to address with a provider, such as mood issues, heavy periods, irregular cycles, etc. And depending on your concerns and your lifestyle, they should help you make a choice that makes sense for you. Remember, pregnancy has a shit ton of side effects. Everything that people are worried about, weight gain, blood clots, whatever, those things are magnified in pregnancy. A partner who cares about you should put on a condom every single time if you do not have other reliable contraception.
This whole situation is red flag city 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Control is the right word, but not in the way you think.
Sounds like hes trying to “accidentally” get you pregnant. And yes birth control can change your body, but more to regulate your periods and hormones. There are alot of different levels as well. I was on a medium strength one which really helped pull my periods back into normalcy. The most important thing is to talk to your doctor about the options. He or she will be able to help you. Plus you don’t have to stay on them permanently.
With your boyfriend, it’s up to you what you want to do. Like someone else said it’s your body and your choices. So he either has two options. You go on birth control, or you use the saying “if it’s not on, it’s not on”. Be strong with your boundaries on this. If he doesn’t like it, I think you’ll know what to do.
Not his body not his choice
No birth control no sex. If neither of you want a baby that’s the answer. Are you sure he’s telling the truth about not wanting kids? If he’s controlling it’s a way to tie you down.
If you allow him to dictate to you after only nine months in, what do you think he’ll be like after a year? Two years?
Stop having sex with him until you are on the birth control you want. This is your body, your health, and your life. Act like it.
If you get pregnant you will be a mother. If he doesn’t let you get on birth control do you think he’d let you get an abortion?
Why are you leaving your future in the hands of a controlling man. No partner has the right to tell you what health and medical choices to make for yourself. So why are you allowing him to think this was in any way up to him?
Tell him the best way forward is for him to put a deposit in a sperms bank and get a vasectomy. When you have the all clear he is jaffa then no condom no birth control everyone is happy. The when YOU decide to have a baby he can make a withdrawal
He’s either got a “get her pregnant” fetish or he is worried your libido will decline on BC.
I will say that there are possible negative side effects to birth control, like most medications.
That said it’s your choice, so do what you want.
The bigger issue I see is him refusing to drive you. That’s a huge red flag to me.
Call a friend to drive you. His refusal to drive you in order to control whether or not you are on birth control is very worrisome. You’ve only been together 9 months. Please do what YOU need to do. His opinion doesn’t carry any weight at this point.
There are potential negative and positive side effects from using hormonal birth control. There are also non hormonal options. Using nothing and not always using condoms will end in pregnancy which has 100% expensive and life changing side effects.
He sounds controlling.
The only opinion that matters about you being on birth control or not is yours. Maybe your doctor if they have insight as to what might work best for you. Certainly not a man. And if that’s the way he feels about you being on birth control, I’d be concerned about the state of the condoms he’s using as well.
He’s withholding medical care from you, to control you. That’s abuse, not care. Definitely not love. Get out, ASAP. Get a friend to pick you up while he’s at work, and pack up your stuff, and just leave. Don’t dump him, just leave. And get a new phone, in case he’s tracking your old. This is not love. It’s abuse.
Your body, your choice, and your word is final.
You are not a child. Stopped behaving, like a helpless baby when you are a grown woman in a relationship. Make your own medical decisions. You don’t have to rely on a man to drive you around. You can literally Google and find ways to get birth control pills online. Stop being helpless.
I’ve said this before. Is he your doctor? Why are you taking medical advice from your boyfriend? 🚩
A man who refuses to drive you to your doctor is a walking, breathing red flag. His “deeper reason” he doesn’t want you on birth control is because he wants control. Of you, of whether or not you get pregnant.
It all probably makes him feel more “manly” and if you got pregnant that would be a creepy way of proving his manhood. I am going to guess there are other red flags in your relationship. Go to a Planned Parenthood and get on birth control. And, if I was you, I would dump him. Quickly.
I wouldn’t date someone who was such an AH about my medical decisions. Your body, your decisions, your protection.
If you insist on staying with this jerk, you might want to look into an IUD or an implant. Something he can’t mess with. Protect yourself.
But I’d call it quits. There are only a few reasons a man would object to birth control, and none of them are good.
For two people who know they don’t want kids, you’re not doing a great job of preventing. It’s really not his business if you’re in the pill, it’s your body and to be truthful if you get pregnant. You’ll be the one doing majority of rearing. Be responsible, go to your doctor and get the pill. If he’s any good, he’ll support you.
Your boyfriend of 9 months doesn’t want you on birth control, and you have had multiple “scares.” Ma’am you need to tell him that you are getting on birth control or becoming single the choice isn’t his to make.
Get your drivers license and tell him, no birth control, no sex. Why is he controlling you this way? You are an independent woman. A nine month relationship like this? In my opinion, you need a new boyfriend!
Straight up, this is your choice. Not his.
Please break up with him. If he was really worried about birth control impacting you in negative ways he’d encourage you to be sure to talk to your doctor if you feel different being on it so that they (your doctor) can find one that’s a better fit for you.
This is a scary, scary control issue and you should be afraid. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Only 9 months in and you’re already reliant on him through transportation and potentially under his control? …. for goodness sake girl. Get a grip of your independence before he isolates you and knocks you up intentionally.
Wake up.
WHOA. You are not married. You do not drive. You moved to be near him. But now you are an hour away from medical care, which leads me to assume you’re an hour away from any type of town.
Please tell me this is just rage bait.
If this is real, OP, he is trying to control you and you need to get out of this immediately.
This is your decision, not one little bit his. He seems irresponsible and is probably listening to crap advice and is very, very stupid, and obviously controlling since he is commanding you not to make decisions about your own body. Maybe he’ll grow up one day and get a brain cell, but in the meantime you really need to stop listening to his idiocy. And stop having unprotected sex with a moron.
My first thought is, well too bad. Your body, your choice, your responsibility, your opinion is what matters. It’s nice that he’s willing to discuss it, but it’s not his decision.
Unless he has a vagina or a medical license, it’s not about him.
That’s super creepy. It’s your body, if you want BC, go get BC. Men like this are controlling and pathetic 🤮🤢. Honestly I’d listen to this thread bc this reeks of abuse and I think it’d be safest for you to get out asap. ❤️ Good luck
Your boyfriend has zero say in what you do with your body. Go on birth control.
If he’s so fucking concerned about the potential impact of birth control on your body what the fuck impact on your body is BEING PREGNANT??!!!! IF he really cared he’d be using CONDOMS!
Men can always walk away from a pregnant woman. It doesn’t matter what they say. In the end the baby will be yours to raise for the rest of YOUR LIFE.
Kick him to the curb. And be grateful he’s showing you who he REALLY IS now. Believe him.
He is coercively controlling you. Leave, learn to drive, get wise.
Here’s are the real facts about Birth Control, all 18 types & how effective they are:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
YOU DECIDE, NOT HIM. Your body, your choice.
His refusing to drive you is a big red flag. Also, having a baby can affect you in negative ways
If you don’t want a baby right now (which it sounds like you don’t) I highly suggest you use birth control that doesn’t include condoms.
“Negative” ways. A google search for “birth control side effects “ will give you a good understanding of what he COULD be talking about when referring to “negative ways”. Then you two can have a deeper conversation about pros and cons of birth control.
In the end it is YOUR body so the decision is yours regardless of how HE feels about the side effects.
YOUR BODY YOUR CHOICE
If he truly care about you and your health then he would take you to a doctor and see what your options are, better yet HE WOULD WEAR A CONDOM!!
He’s actively telling you he is not ready for kids, guess what’s going to happen when you get pregnant?! You need a better boyfriend, because this one isn’t it.
Absolutely not. Tell him goodbye
This man wants to fucking kill you. Run
This choice has nothing to do with him. Why are you letting him control you? Why did you even ask him?
He said no? To what? You absolutely do not need his permission. In fact I think getting his input on this at all was completely unnecessary.
Why are you allowing a man you’ve been dating for nine months (or any man) to have any say in your birth control?
If you are in the US, please use public transportation, an Über, a friend, a family member, or a bicycle to get to Planned Parenthood and obtain the birth control of your choice. On no planet does a bf get to decide what your birth control is.
Find a Planned Parenthood near you. In my small city, they provided excellent care when I moved here for college & had no regular doctor. They provided me excellent preventive care, regular checkups, and birth control prescriptions for many years, well into adulthood.
If neither of you are prepared to have a child, you need to be on birth control, period… but especially in the current political & social climate.
You’re a grown woman – don’t leave such a major life choice up to a guy giving wishy-washy 🚩 excuses to make an hour’s drive to get you to a doctor.
https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Your comment history indicates your boyfriend is a abusive dickhead.
This is a weird question, but is your boyfriend Catholic, or was he raised Catholic?
I ask because there’s this weird idea in some Catholic circles that birth control makes women infertile permanently. It’s not true- there have been scientific studies showing it’s not true. But if he was told that, and he wants to have kids later, that may explain why he is being like that.
That said, it’s a definitely red flag that he wouldn’t just say that- “I don’t want you to take birth control because it might make you infertile” shouldn’t be a difficult explanation to give. And it’s one that science has refuted, so the best case scenario is that he’s just misinformed.
What’s the confusion he is ok with you having a baby. Are you?
Either he is worried you’ll gain weight. Red flag.
Or he is hoping you get pregnant so you can’t escape. Red flag.
Oh? So you want to be a mother?
You take care of your health and tell anyone who tells you not to that they should fuck off.
No one else is going to bear the burden if you get pregnant.
It’s not his decision whether or not you go on birth control. It’s 100% YOUR choice. He gets NO input on how you prevent pregnancy.
Your boyfriend is overly controlling, disrespecting your bodily autonomy and independence, and likely wants you to get pregnant (despite what he says) so you’re trapped with him.
Condoms fail. They slip off and they can be sneakily corrupted with a couple of holes. Do not trust him and his condoms.
This is the beginnings of an abusive relationship. Run now. And take care.
You do realize that you and he are not on the same page about kids and pregnancy at all, right? He wants you pregnant and trapped yesterday.
Run, don’t walk, to the closest doctor near you. Call around to see if a local pharmacy sells it over the counter. Call your doctor’s office and tell them your bf is isolating you and refusing to let you get birth control, and you are desperate to get a prescription to a local pharmacy (docs will usually prescribe for a year after your last appt, sometimes 2). Request a phone or zoom appointment if they want to see you.
Ew refusing to drive you to the doctor? Leave leave leave. That’s such a red flag.
i have the Depo-Provera, and it’s the shot you get above your buttcheek or in your arm every 3 months. it’s worked best for me. no period (which can be scary, but if we’re being open about it, you can still get clots of “shed” when on your period. i do, anyways.) and the cramps only get bad if you’re not doing average things for your cramps. it can cause weight gain or weight loss. i’ve been a consistent weight for the last year until i recently forgot my shot and dropped 6 pounds in 2 weeks. it’s had a bad rep, but only for long, long, term use. i think this would be best as it’s not something you can just forget, because they make you schedule the next shot after you get done with your appointments.
but in all honesty, OP, i’m worried. because some people aren’t looking out for you, they’re looking out for themselves. and if that’s the case, you could be in a relationship with a manipulator.
He is a controlling abuser.
You’re literally trapped unless he takes you places.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? There is NO CONSEQUENCE to him if you get pregnant!! Be more responsible and less of a doormat! Ditch this inconsiderate selfish jerk, get on birth control and never look back.
So your boyfriend is a controlling and manipulative asshole?
It’s nothing to do with what he wants.
You should be asking yourself if you want to get knocked up at 24 and probably end up as a single parent.
Grow the hell up and get yourself on birth control ASAP.
Having unprotected sex bc “ur boyfriend said so” its dumb. Ur not ready for sex or pregnancy or motherhood if u cant make ur own decisions about ur own body. U both need to grow up and educate urselves. Stop fucking in the meantime.
Sorry, I don’t understand why he gets any say over whether you use birth control. This is a HUGE red flag, indicative of someone who is overly controlling.
Read – Why Does He Do That PDF Free download by Lundy Bancroft – Free Books Mania
it’s your body, your choice, never let a man tell you, you can’t protect yourself!
>After that I was insisting on going to my doctor and getting put on birth control but he said no because he’s worried about it effecting me in negative ways. I’m not exactly sure what negative things he’s worried about. Is there a deeper reason why he may not want me on birth control?
So, it is true that some forms of hormonal birth control can have negative health consequences… but that’s between you and your doctor, not you and your doctor and your boyfriend. At best, your boyfriend is well-intentioned but still presuming to make decisions for you that he has no business making. At worst? He’s trying to accidentally-on-purpose trap you with a pregnancy. Neither scenario is likely to have a good outcome.
Run.
It’s not his choice whether you are on bc. That’s your body, your choice. If you don’t want to be a mom, then you need to take it.
Why is this his decision????
It’s your body, not his. Do what you feel comfortable with. If he doesn’t like that then at least you’ve discovered early on he’s not going to respect you and you can find someone better.
Good luck.
First of all – he “has always turned down the idea”?! It’s not his to turn down – you need to do what makes you happy and comfortable, don’t bend yourself for someone else.
Secondly – some side effects are mood swings and weight gain. Sounds to me as if he wants you one way and not another 🚩
You’re letting a man younger than you control your choice to be on birth control? Girl. You shouldn’t let any man at all be in charge of that decision.
Your body, your choice. Not his. Not negotiable.
Why is he controlling what you do with your body?
You have been with this man for 9 months and he is already your main source of transportation and he’s the one who dictates your health choices?
Girl this is a mega mega red flag and very concerning
Girl. C’mon. Do not stay with a man who thinks he controls if you take BC or not and will go to the lengths of not driving you to go to the doctor to get them. Leave. He doesn’t want you on BC because he wants to control you. And probably knock you up.
Use birth control, don’t rely just on condoms, or get ready for parenthood.
So you need to take care of yourself. BC is totally manageable. Also, please learn to drive and get your license. You may have to wait/save for a car, but it’s extremely important to your independence.
I don’t know if you are in the US or elsewhere, but can you go to a free clinic or an OBGYN? Get on BC. That’s your choice and he is controlling. Also super selfish. He is going to baby trap you and this behaviour will just get worse.
Do not continue having sex with this man. Also, maybe don’t continue the relationship.
He doesn’t care about you and has no say over your body. Time to move on.
He doesn’t want you on birth control because it can have some negative effects on you, but he doesn’t describe what effects he’s worried about. We all know birth control has negative effects on women. Some are mild, and some are not. The choice is up to you as to whether you wish to live with the side effects. And everything we take medicinally or for prevention has side effects, not just birth control. Then, to top it off, he refuses to take you if you get a doctor’s appointment for it. This is very controlling and scary. You’ve only known this dude 9 months, and he’s already trying to control what you do with your body and where you go and how you get there. Take that as the warning it is and step back from this person
Him refusing to drive you to your doctor makes no sense, what about your annual physical, what happens if you get sick, etc. Your partner is very immature or very controlling. What’s the REAL PLAN if you get pregnant? Time to sit down and have a real conversation about this. This is about your health and well-being, not about his feelings.
This guy is an abusive creep. Leave him
He secretly does want you to get pregnant now. It’s after pregnancy that abuse turns physical and ramps up because they think you are trapped. You need to get out now or expect a lifetime of being beaten up and an early death at the hands of this man
He thinks it will make you gain weight, which is another reason to dump him. The first reason is that you are asking permission regarding your own medical decisions instead of telling him what you are doing all while he is trying to baby trap you.
Is there a deeper reason why he may not want me on birth control?
He wants to get you pregnant for some reason. You need to protect your method of birth control. He may be poking holes in condoms.
I’m confused why he has veto power over this.
Believe it or not, an unplanned pregnancy at the beginning of a relationship can negatively harm you more than birth control.
If he’s this controlling now, guess what the next big topic will be?
This feels like the precursor to forced pregnancy… which is, I hate to say it, another form of domestic abuse. What other boundaries or needs of yours does he disregard in pursuit of his own desires?
Don’t have sex with your boyfriend ever again. He doesn’t get to decide on when you get pregnant. You decide what’s best for your body. Since he is controlling you and your body, he is not someone you should be with. He’s a controlling asshole. Leave him. Move back to where you have access to your doctor. Your healthcare is important. Much more important than an irresponsible, controlling, boyfriend that has no problem getting you pregnant without your consent.
He may dead ass be trying to pregnancy trap you with condoms hes poked holes in.
Why are you letting someone else make medical decisions about YOUR body?
He’s trying to get you pregnant. Don’t tell him anything and get on birth control he can’t tamper with. IUD or Depo. Then break up with him in a public place. Find someone else to take you. Go visit family or friends in the area of your Doctor. Also unless there is a good reason, you need to learn how to drive so you’re not dependant on anyone to take you somewhere.
There’s two possibilities
1- he’s scared that the new science in about Birth control is accurate and will
Either make you less attracted to him, increase your chances of certain cancers or health conditions down the road.
Or 2- he secretly wants to baby trap you …but I’m far less convinced of this one given your ages.
However…you both need to be constantly vigilant about sex with protection if you don’t want babies so either you get a friend to drive you to doctor for BC or you buy boxes of condoms and keep some on you at all times and advocate like hell.
It’s very real and possible with the emergence of more focus on women’s reproductive health and the thousands of podcasts that cover it on every platform available that your boyfriend is truly worried about what BC can do to your health long term, I mean I’m a woman and am so glad to be done with BC and I’m worried about my daughter who is coming of age and will likely be looking at her options for it in the next several years so I u see stand his concern. So unless there’s other controlling behaviours he displays for other aspects of your decision making, I’d chalk it up to genuine concern but with the lack of experience at working to a compromise. In effect he is making it difficult for you to get on it, but not impossible. Ask a friend to drive you or take an uber with money you save up.
Do your own research to make sure you pick the best method for you and be sure to advocate for your health. If you start having side effects that are troublesome , seek medical Attention and mention whatever BC you’re on.
Bottom line, regardless of the risks involved. It is your body and your choice. He can have his opinions and he even has the right to end the relationship over them if he so chooses but he really can’t force you not to. If he tries…then he isn’t someone you should be with anyway.
You don’t need to tell him you went on birth control! He doesn’t own you. You do what you want with your body!
I’m sorry but why does this person’s opinion matter in your own personal health decision?