My (24F) ex boyfriend (30M) let’s call him Steve, has grown distant after reconnecting.
Background- Steve and I have known each other for 7 years, we worked together and this is how we met. Originally, began hooking up (yes I was of age), dated different people for some time, messy breakups with people we dated in mutual work place, we began dating, he cheated right before our year anniversary, we separated, toxic and messy split. I began dating someone else shortly after, new guy and I dated for 2 1/2 years, once we broke up, Steve and I reconnected a couple months later. It has been over a year since we reconnected after 3 years of not talking.
He lives across the country and is in the military now, but confessed he still loves me, every time he has been home we have seen each other and it feels like no time has passed. He was and still is a best friend to me. I will admit to us hooking up, kissing, holding hands, acting as a couple when he was visiting. Something I said I didn’t think was a good idea to continue, but when we are together it feels natural and like my other half I’ve been missing. I have spent a lot of time going back and forth on my feelings for him. Last time he left it really hit me, I cried so much and was genuinely sad for him leaving.
Once Steve moved to this new city he became more distant, but is much busier than before. For context, prior to his move, we talked on the phone/ facetime almost every day, we would
exchange several texts throughout the day, we wrote each other a few letters back and forth after I mentioned missing the intention it takes to write letters. Since the move, I may get a few texts a day, sometimes he will go all day without replying or give me one response. We’ve talked about calling one another and never gets brought up again and at times I feel he is uninterested in talking to me. No he is not dating someone else, he seems to be investing into himself and not on his phone as much, I do believe that to be true, but when people want to talk to someone we usually make the time.
Everything I was feeling caused me to abandon ship, I explained my feelings, the lack of trust I still have romantically and we stopped talking for almost 2 months. I reached out about a month ago, we talked and he was understanding, I felt really good about the conversation, but he has maintained distance. I can’t blame him, I told Steve I don’t think I could ever be with him since there isn’t trust and he deserves someone who trusts him and me them. But here l am craving his attention, the banter we share and gosh do I miss him. Part of me wants to give it a try and begin dating again (if he is willing), but the other part of me questions if I’m only chasing familiarity and comfort.
Not sure what to do, should I continue to match his distance or tell him my feelings? How do you move forward in a relationship, long distance after cheating? Any advice would help, thanks for reading
TLDR; my ex and I reconnected, he cheated previously and lives across the country now, we both have feelings for each other still, but he has grown distant. Do I tell him my feelings and give dating another chance or match his distance and see how he shows up?
Comments
Its a tough spot, your feelings are real but trust was broken and long distance adds strain. Focus on what you truly need, consistent effort and respect, not just comfort or familiarity
It seems he’s moving on, or trying to. I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear.
You don’t live in the same place, which is enough of a reason on its own. You also have a complicated history, which is enough of a reason on its own. I know you think you know he hasn’t met someone else… but how could you actually know that? At a minimum, he may be interested in someone else, and realizing that keeping some undefined thing going with a complicated ex might not be the direction he wants to be going in his life.
I know this sounds harsh, and that’s not my intention. But I think you’re maybe wearing some rose-colored glasses here. I get how wonderful it felt when he was visiting — that’s not uncommon when we reconnect with an ex.
But remember you are exes for a reason. For multiple reasons. And remember your own words, that people make it work when they really want to make it work…. And he’d be making this work if he really wanted to.
It’s probably better for you too to figure out a way to move on. You don’t live in the same place. There are past hurts and trust issues. And he’s slow-fading you.
How does hanging onto this make your life better? How does it help you to thrive?