Hi Reddit, I’m feeling really lost right now and could use some advice or just a place to vent.
Me (24f) and my boyfriend (26M) have been together for a while (1year+ and know each other 6) and for around 3/4 months we’ve been planning to move in together. I recently got a new job — I’ll be moving cities, but I can still commute from where I currently live if I need to. Because of this, we had been planning to get a place together once I started the new job (wouldn’t affect his commute). I only got my official start date about a month ago, and we had planned to view properties this week (all other weekends were booked and we both work full-time, so viewings during the week aren’t really possible).
The entire time, he spoke and acted like he was 100% on board. He even discouraged me from making other plans, like me moving in with a friend (which I had suggested because I didn’t want to pressure him into thinking he had to move in with me) because he said we’d be living together.
I’ve been anxious for months about this — about the move, about my new job, and about wanting us to start this new chapter. I trusted him and believed we were working toward the same thing.
Then today, completely out of nowhere, he told me he doesn’t think we’re ready to move in together.
He said all the anxiety about it hit him at once today, and he realized he didn’t feel ready. He hadn’t been sitting on it for a while — it just hit him hard all at once (at least, that’s what he says).
And honestly, it’s fair and valid to not feel ready. I get that. But I can’t lie — it still feels like such a punch to the gut.
To make everything worse, after our argument, he immediately went home and told his parents about it.
The kicker is, he hadn’t even told them we were planning to move in together before this. He told me a big part of his stress was because he hadn’t told them yet — but now, after we fight, suddenly he’s telling them everything? And I can’t help but feel like they think I’m this crazy pushy gf, even though I was just trusting what he had said. I already have issues around partners parents (ty to my lovely exes parents) and I get really anxious.
I feel so embarrassed. I trusted him, planned around him, turned down other living opportunities because of him — and now not only am I heartbroken, but I’m humiliated at the idea of facing his family again.
I still love him so much. I’m glad he told me before it was too late and anxiety is horrible I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I don’t want to end the relationship, but honestly, I don’t know how to move forward from this. It feels horrible. I don’t know if this can be fixed or if I’m just lying to myself because I love him. He’s the best and so loving and amazing usually this has really knocked the wind out of me he was really nice about it all and so apologetic and upset but I just feel so awful and hurt. I want to see him but also stay far away from him at the same time.
Am I being silly over something that’s not so big/is normal or is this a valid crash out?
TL;DR:
My (24F) boyfriend (26M) and I had been planning to move in together for months, but today he told me he doesn’t feel ready. It hit him all at once, even though he had seemed fully on board before. Now I’m heartbroken, confused, and embarrassed, especially because he told his parents about it right after our argument. I still love him but I don’t know how to move forward.
Edited for clarity on moving in with my friend
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That’s a long time for him to not realize he wasnt ready. Id be incredibly upset and embarrassed if I were you.
But I once lived with a partner for almost a year, just for him to have a meltdown one day about how much he hated the house and he was going to move in with his friend. But I could come live with him!…in one room in a house with someone else I barely know. so. I get it.
Hi!
I’m really glad your bf had the courage to tell you how he was feeling before you had made any expensive commitments like lease contracts.
I think it can be taken at face value that he had very good intentions initially, and did get excited at the prospect of living with you. This is a new, exciting and loving relationship and those can be very addictive. Neuroscience has proven it to be as addictive as heroin! He wants to spend as much time with you as possoble. Realistically though I think his change of heart now is a reflection that after 3 months you are both still in the getting to know each other phase.
You have not yet weathered many stressors and trials that would give you a good foundation of the other person’s coping styles and I expect this is the first time you’ve faced a major conflict together. I understand where you are coming from feeling worried that he is confiding in his family for support, and that it’s worrying that he may be painting himself in a favorable light and you in less than favorable but this is not something you can have any control over and it would be wrong to attempt to control the narrative. Defend yourself only if you’re falsely criticised, but with calm dignity. Don’t call him a liar. “That’s not how I recall that conversation happening. What I heard and understood was that he wanted me to turn down living with my friends when the opportunity came up, as he wanted me to live with him.”
What you can do is acknowledge and accept his change of mind with dignity, but not be a push over: highlight to him that this has been distressing, and you’ve been inconvenienced by this as you’ve turned down living opportunities and now have to spend time and money seeking new ones. You can explain to him that your trust in him has been damaged, as he has shown himself to make impulsive gestures that he cannot follow through on, and it will take time for him to prove that is not his natural behaviour. If he is an impulsive person, he ultimately might not be the person for you, especially when it comes to the affect it has on domestic and financial security and stability.
He owes you an apology and admission that he has acted in an immature manner, when he was assuring you he wanted to cohabit. Admitting his change of heart was the right thing to do however. It would be compassionate and kind to thank him for being honest now, as it took courage.
Only time will tell if he drops the dreamy behaviours and you can trust him and rely on him. That conversation is between you and him and needn’t be justified to any of his family or anyone else.
This is a very normal thing to be upset and distressed over. It sounds like you got another job in preparation for the move, which makes this even more difficult. Is your home right now still yours?
I understand that your boyfriend is anxious about moving in together, and think that is normal and OK (although, moving in together should be exciting for the most part). But it’s out of order that he gave you the opposite impression to what he was actually doing, especially as he watched you seek out another job and dissuaded you from moving in with a friend instead of him.
SpottyMollusc gives great advice in their third-to-last paragraph.