Been with my gf for three years. Known my friend for a year. They don’t know each other very well.
We were all hanging out for the first time for an extended period, just the three of us. During the night, my friend started talking about how attractive he is. He went on about how both men and women are into him and concluded that this must mean he’s objectively attractive.
At one point, my girlfriend casually mentioned that girls tend to like her because she dresses a bit more masculine. He immediately jumped in to affirm her, saying that he likes that and that she’d be someone who is objectively attractive too.
I didn’t say anything in the moment, but it rubbed me the wrong way. He tends to become more performative and attention-seeking in social situations, especially when I’m with my girlfriend. It felt like he was subtly trying to position himself as desirable in front of her.
Later, when I dropped my girlfriend off, I told her I loved her and she said it back. Then, in front of me, my friend said “I love you too.” He made eye contact with me and immediately apologized. It felt like he was testing my boundaries. That moment didn’t sit right with me at all.
I confronted him about it later and said it crossed a line. He seemed surprised and said he didn’t mean anything by it. I ended up softening my stance in the moment, but I later followed up with a message explaining more clearly that I felt uncomfortable and disrespected by the way he acted.
My girlfriend doesn’t think he meant anything by it and feels like I might be overanalyzing. But I don’t think I am. Social dynamics matter. I felt like he was inserting himself into a space between us in ways that felt off. I know she tends to be a little oblivious when someone is flirting or trying to get attention, so I’m not sure how to approach this with her in a way she’ll fully understand.
I’m not trying to be controlling. I trust her. But I don’t feel great about how this all unfolded.
How do I move forward with this, both with my friend and my girlfriend?
TL;DR:
My friend made some boundary-pushing comments while hanging out with me and my girlfriend, including saying “I love you too” to her after I did. It made me uncomfortable, and although I addressed it, my girlfriend didn’t think it was a big deal. I don’t want to overreact, but I also don’t want to ignore it. How should I proceed?
Comments
This is not your gf’s problem to handle and I’m unclear why you want to approach HER about someone else’s behavior. Your gf has done nothing wrong in this scenario, your friend has made inappropriate comments about her- so talk to HIM and set boundaries with HIM.
You expressed how you feel. Move on. If it happens again then address it again. One thing like that happening one time could just be a weird human fluke borne of anxiety or trying to be funny and failing.
This guy:
> my friend started talking about how attractive he is. He went on about how both men and women are into him and concluded that this must mean he’s objectively attractive.
…sounds like a really-impressed-with-himself jerk.
And, yes, he probably was testing boundaries to see what he could get away with.
On this note:
> I’m not trying to be controlling. I trust her.
If you really actually trust her, then (unless you are concerned that he would physically coerce her or assault her) you don’t have to trust anything about him.
If she is worthy of trust, then absolutely nothing that he says or does will make any difference at all; if she’s committed to you, then he can dance around like an exotic bird with all of his mating plumage showing, and she won’t care.
So there are two issues here:
Why is a guy who acts like this someone you want to bother being friends with in the first place, and
Why (if you actually trust her) are you concerned about the “social dynamics” of something that she will put a stop to if he tries to start something?
If it were me, I’d be questioning really hard why it is that I was remaining friends with a guy who acted this way.
And I’d be calming way the heck down to my girlfriend, because none of this is her fault, and (if she’s trustworthy) none of it ever will be.
She doesn’t have to agree with you that it’s a “big deal”. You’re picking a bad hill to die on, here.
Your gf is right dude.
You’re being way too sensitive here bud and the text was just going overboard.
Saying “i love you too” is a stupid joke people make. He didn’t invent it, it’s not flirty, it’s a lame joke that people have been telling for decades.
Saying he’s objectively attractive and saying she’s objectively attractive is just….idk, conversation. Those both sound like reasonable things that can come up.
According to you, if I mention the (true fact that baffles me) that people like me more than I would expect them to….that would be me talking myself up to make a move on any woman in the conversation.
What has he actually done?
Now the part that reddit might not like….this sounds like you’re insecure and you’re making it his problem. The real problem for you is that insecurity is not sexy, it reeks of desperation and you really should work on that or it will probably end up being a turnoff for your gf.
Your friend is being a weirdo.
Also why would you even want to hangout with someone who’s just talking about how attractive they are and how everyone wants them. That sounds like someone fishing for validation or narcissistic supply.