I (24M) have been with my girlfriend (21F) for about a year. We love each other a lot but I fear her actions towards me are making me walk on eggshells and avoid being myself. That’s not the kind of relationship I want and I know it needs to change.
About a week ago, my girlfriend had a falling out with her friends that she’s known since school. In short, there was a birthday celebration for one of her friends scheduled for a particular day. In the leadup to that day, one of her other friends said she couldn’t come because she was spending time with another friend outside the group. My girlfriend was upset that her excuse was to spend time with another friend, and told her this. I admire my girlfriend for sticking up for the friend whose birthday celebration it was. But this started an argument in the group (all over text), and my girlfriend told another girl (who she doesn’t like much) to “stfu”.
I don’t think it’s ever excusable to say that. The girl she said it to was being nosey but she didn’t have to be rude in return. My girlfriend refused to apologise to her, and now my girlfriend has left the friend group. I believe she still owes an apology but she believes very strongly that she doesn’t because the other girl is a “b*tch”.
She has told me a lot about this issue and I’ve tried to comfort her. It’s been a difficult time for her, understandably (although I would say mostly brought on by herself). I tried to look past my own discomfort the whole time without judging her actions. I let her do what she felt was best, told her this, and didn’t try to change her mind, even though what she was doing felt wrong to me. I’ve met the friends a couple of times but they’re not my friends and I know I have no place telling her what to do. I was fine with that.
But the thing that hurt me more was the way that she dealt with our differring views. I would have hoped that she would ask for my opinion on her actions, value it and we could have a good conversation where we listen to each other and feel better. But that is only in a perfect world, and I knew from the start that she wouldn’t be open to that because of how stubborn she is. That hurt a bit, but I was coping.
But then when she was ranting about the issue, and I wasn’t saying much in response, she explicitly asked me for my opinion. I told her that whilst her friends have been thoughtless and rude, I thought she was also being rude and she owed an apology. Maybe I could have phrased it a bit more gently, but it was honest and calm, without judgement. She then yelled and swore at me, and the interaction ended there.
Later, she told me she wanted to hear my opinion but only if it doesn’t hurt her (paraphased). That really hurt me. I was trying hard to comfort her, I thought I was doing exactly what she wanted, I was just being myself. But that wasn’t enough for her – it got me verbally abused and hurt. That should never happen in a relationship. Of course I don’t want to hurt her, but I also want to be able to say what I think without fear of being yelled at or blamed for my opinions.
I still haven’t talked to her about this out of fear of another argument. How do I approach this without making it about the issue with her friends? I’m worried that if I bring it up as a bigger issue in our relationship it will make her feel worse and become more defensive. But if I make it about her friends she will think I’m just upset at what she said to them. Is there some middle ground?
tl;dr My girlfriend said something to her friends that I didn’t agree with. She asked me for my opinion and yelled at me when I said I didn’t agree.