Hello again everyone,
Me 23F and my bf 25M have been dating for just over two months and we’ve been through a lot already. We went through some tough arguments, a period where we didn’t speak and an abortion. Now we’re kind of rebuilding our relationship from the ground up. He and I both noticed I was exhibiting unhealthly behaviors that were the cause of some of our problems, I also heard of these patterns in my friendships and previous relationships too. I had already been looking for a therapist before I’d met him, but I’ve decided now it is the time to be intentional about seeing one. Since I want to be a better person overall and also be healthier for myself and him.
I told him last week about this (had already scheduled a psychiatrist visit and saw them) and he got incredibly upset. He asked me why I needed to see a therapist when we could just talk. I asked him his views on it and he said he didn’t care since “I already made a decision” cause it seemed like I wasn’t asking I was telling him. To preface this I’ve struggled with ADHD my entire life and finally feel seen since finding a therapist/psychiatrist. He doesn’t understand this and thinks there’s something else I’m not telling him and that’s why I need a therapist. He even tried to break up with me that evening and said “ I just keep doing what I want and expecting him to be okay with it”. He completely disregarded my feelings and struggles and basically said I was disrespecting him for already going and talking to one.
I felt deep down in me that this is something good and not bad. I even told him about the tools and resources they offer to help with my problems, still he protested so I dropped the matter.
Fast forward to today, I finally found a therapist that is perfect for me and completely affirmed my intuition on why I should have one. This time I immediately told him and said that I really want to keep seeing one. The same thing happened and now he hasn’t responded to me in hours. I feel like I’ve compromised on so many things for him but continues to not reciprocate the energy for me. Especially since this is something that I feel can really help me and him. I’ve tried multiple times to ask him his honest opinions but he has refused to tell me. Today he said that he doesn’t want me seeing a therapist and insists something deeper is going on and I’m not being honest with him..
How can I convince him that this will help me? How do I keep taking care of my mental health knowing he’s upset about this? And is this value too important to compromise on?
Comments
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girl, you need therapy more than a man
Yes, healthcare (including mental health care) is too important to compromise on.
Tell him you will be continuing to see this therapist. If that’s dealbreaker for him, he’s free to leave. If he’s anything less than supportive, you should leave.
go to therapy and don’t look back. your mental health is non-negotiable. and to be frank, I feel like you’ve described a disproportionate amount of conflict for such a fresh relationship. you know what you have to do.
If you’re two months in and you need advice from reddit, your relationship probably isn’t worth it.
Hey reddit, my BF of 2 months doesn’t want me to better myself! How do I shrink myself small enough that he will let me do this one thing for myself?
That’s what you sound like. I’m sorry to be mean. I would be meaner to your BF if I spoke to him, I promise you.
Sounds like he needs a therapist too. He should want you to take care of yourself. Controlling behavior like this doesn’t get any better, only worse.
Break up with him. He wants you to be broken, then he can use it against you. It gives him power. He wants power over you and I suspect you’ve compromised on a lot on unhealthy, toxic behaviour and wants from him.
And then you’ll get better with therapy and you’ll realise he’s dragging you down and you don’t need him.
At 2 months, it shouldn’t be this hard, it should be fun.
A therapist will tell you to get rid of him and that’s what he’s afraid of. Continue seeing the therapist. He doesn’t wanna confront his issues either so he’s less likely to change. Avoid discussing bit by bit of what you discussed with the therapist with him.
have you been seeing a psychiatrist to get meds to help with your adhd?
Keep the same therapist & dump him. He doesn’t want you to grow, be stable & find happiness from within. He wants you broken. These are huge red flags. He’s probably worried you’ll see the red flags because of the therapy.
The fact it’s only been 2 months, just cut your losses because it shouldn’t be this hard at this stage
You don’t need to convince him. You don’t need his permission. If you want therapy then get therapy. And lose this asshat boyfriend. He obviously doesn’t have your best interests in mind. His attitude is a huge red flag. Please pay attention.
Nobody gets to tell you what healthcare you should or shouldn’t receive. His hang ups with therapists are his problem. Don’t compromise on what you need to do for your mental health.
You don’t owe him that kind of control. Not only that, but giving someone else that kind of power over you isn’t an act of love; you’re just sharpening the knife for them.
Your mental health is more important than this relationship. If he can’t understand how important therapy is for you – especially since you are neurodivergent – You will be better off without him. Especially after this crazy roller coaster of only being with him for two months and having huge fights and an abortion.
He doesn’t sound very healthy himself, and since he is not open to therapy you will be improving yourself and he will be dragging you back down in the mud. He’s already trying to control you
Sorry to be so blunt but kick his ass to the curb. When you are mentally healthy you will look back on this and breathe a huge sigh of relief because you are dodging a huge fucking bullet
Controlling and toxic people hate therapy for their partners because they worry it will strengthen them, make them more resistant to toxicity, more perceptive of how bad the relationship is, more likely to leave.
>He asked me why I needed to see a therapist when we could just talk.
That’s why he framed it this way. He doesn’t want anyone from outside the dynamic seeing what he does or giving you insight into what is happening. He wants to be in control, and if you go to him for support he can use that against you, isolate you, control the narratives.
Never date people that don’t support your attempts to better your life or personal well being. He should be invested in you being happy and healthy and yet he resents even the idea of it and that’s sad.
This is not your BF’s decision and if he is trying to guilt you into not going then this is a major issue with him.
You’ve been together 2 months and already seem to have major issues together – this should be the happy stage. Why are you taking all the blame for the issues – because I am certain it’s not all on you. This man seems to be a very unhealthy choice for you and I feel he will drag you down and try and control you and destroy you confidence. Why are you with him?
He’s scared because he knows he is trash, but wants to control you.
Dump him
First of all you have a right to not ask him about your own therapy. He has no right to be part of a decision whether you go or not and has no grounds to be mad.
You can take care of your mental health regardless of whether he is upset. He’s silly for being upset. It’s not like your doing something to him. What does he mean disrespecting? That is just flat silly.
I can’t figure out why you are together. Dating for two months and an abortion? and “a lot” whatever else that is?
For my part I don’t think it’s wise for people to even be intimate so early in a relationship but contemporary people don’t even wait at all anymore I don’t think.
He’s no good, dump him. I can’t even see why you like him. Way he talks to you. Phuh.
Pause and consider this. He’s assuming he has a right to your medical autonomy, and after 2 months at that. Frightening.
That’s a huge red flag, the guy thinks he owns you. And worse yet he doesn’t want you to learn to recognize this.
This entire comment section proves why therapy is so important🤍🫂
I am on my way to reclaiming myself.
Girl…..what are you doing? Two months and you’re already fighting and breaking up and needing an abortion? (I’m going to take a big leap and assume he “doesn’t like to wear condoms”) And now he’s trying to tell you how to manage your own mental health?? Get the therapy and get rid of the guy. Stay single until you get yourself straightened out and know how to have a healthy relationship.
Don’t try to convince him. Leave him.
Anyone who tries to discourage you from looking after your mental health is not your person.
💖
I’m really suspicious of his reasons for being upset. My first thought is “is he afraid he won’t be able to control you if you get healthy?” He SHPULD be excited for you…you’ll become a better friend and better significant other.
Him saying that “you keep doing what you want and expect me to be okay with it” sounds like a HUGE red flag to me especially since you already feel like you’re compromising heavily in his direction. And seriously, he’s bitching to you about this over therapy? Hell no. He’s a shit boyfriend. You’re only 2 months in. Dump him and get your counseling in peace. By the end, you’ll be able to spot better, be more assertive, and have the self-respect to not put up with bullshit gaslighting like this.
I wish you the best of luck!
2 months and he already feels completely comfortable telling you what you can and can’t do. He’s awful. Get rid of him, you’ll never be happy.
Sounds like this is toxic on both ends and it’s only two months! You said you needed to rebuild the relationship from the ground up but how is that possible if there was no relationship. Crazy you’re already having so many problems and shows you could benefit from therapy if you want to stay in it. Highly agree therapy is a good choice and I’m proud of you for going. He sounds really insecure and instead of looking at therapy for himself he is becoming controlling. Sounds like you may not even be ready for a relationship. Drop the man, keep the therapist, and keep making awesome choices!
My bf (26)was looking for suitable therapists WITH ME because I was struggling with myself and even offered to pay. He wanted me to be the best version of myself that I wanted to be. We’ve been together now 3 years – This guy you mention is not the one 😭
Yeah, I would question. The motivations of anybody who does not want you to do something that’s good for your mental status or to better your life. Outlooking, like 6, seems to be anything other than a red flag to me. Usually, it comes from insecurity and their fear that you’re going to outgrow them because you’re better in your life. And bettering yourself, and that makes them less, and they’re insecure about it. So that’s a huge red flag.
Trust me when I say this. There is no worst thing in the world. Then, dealing with someone’s insecurities, because insecurities can lead to the worst types of personalities, the worst type of manipulation, the worst type of anything. You can imagine people’s fear of being less than there’s a motivating factor for all kind of sickness. I can’t imagine there’s any other way to look at someone having an issue with you wanting to better yourself or or do something for your own mental health or well being, how could somebody who’s supposed to be concerned for you not want you to do every possible thing you can for your mental?Status, and you’re in your well being, so that’s just nothing but a red flag
Of course he doesn’t want you to get therapy.
You might realize your self worth and that this relationship is toxic as fuck.
2 months in and the guy is already trying to control your life and you’re letting him.
Do therapy. Realize you’re actually worth more than this.
Does he not want you to see a therapist because he’s worried they’ll say he’s a bad partner? That’s what I’m concerned about. He might be treating you a lot worse than you think, and doesn’t want you to figure that out by speaking to someone with the experience and perspective to point it out. Or maybe he doesn’t want you to have a support system outside of him.
Either way, it’s worrying. He should want you to do whatever’s best for your mental health. It’s not about him. What he wants does not matter here.
At two months, you should still be in the honeymoon phrase, gushing about each other and banging each others brains out. It should be fun and carefree and they should be inspiring you to love yourself more.
This feels like way too much work.
Just do it. That’s dumb
I just want to congratulate you for even coming on here and asking at your age, hopefully you do something with the advice you’re given here, because from what I can see it’s all good, I’m 55 years old. I’ve been there and done that many times so I can honestly tell you everyone here is trying to give you good advice. But it’s one thing is, hearing it and other things, accepting it. It’s never hard. I mean, it’s never easy 123 walk away from something that you do. Do you want to be real or you want to be a certain way, but wanting something doesn’t make it any different than what it is wanting something to be what you want it to be makes no difference. And the reality that it is, and yeah, if you’re dealing with someone who’s got insecurities about you helping yourself, that’s the hugest red flag you could ever not want to be part of insecurities, lead to the worst types of people, the worst types. Of manipulation, the worst types of everything. Trust me when I tell you this. I’ve learned that the hard way, it’s a very hard way. The worst type of person on this planet, in my opinion, is a malignant covert. Narcissist, they do the sickest, most arranged things. And it all comes from insecurity. So so believe me, when I tell you anyone, it’s in your life who’s so insecure that they’re worried about you. Getting Bettering yourself. It’s because it makes them feel less thin and that’s the worst situation you could ever place yourself in someone who truly cares about. You will always encourage you. To do anything and everything you can to better yourself or to better your well-being or your mental state, regardless of what it is. It makes them out to be if somebody really cares about you, they’ll want you to outgrow them somebody who cares. Will never want you to not do the best for yourself, regardless of where it leaves them
Didn’t even read the whole text. He doesn’t want you to go to therapy? – instant red flag. Boy bye!
Just go to therapy. If you feel that strongly that it will help you then do it. And as long as you take it seriously therapy can really help you. My ex husband did not want me to go to therapy either but I went anyway. I started to really see how he was treating me and how little he actually valued me. If your bf is against therapy you probably won’t be able to change his mind, but it sounds more like he doesn’t want your therapist to expose his bad behavior. When I did therapy it revealed all the red flags I had been ignoring. Do this for yourself, to make yourself happy and healthy. He can either get with the program or you can leave him.
you’re at the part of the relationship where it is fun and figuring each other out. If so much has already happened then it isnt working, that is literally the point of dating. what is there to work on/fix, nothing has grown yet! please, work through this feeling that you need to work harder at a relationship just because you have navigated difficult things together.
youre so young. I can confidently say you wont regret therapy the same way you’ll regret wasting time with this guy. You’re going towards the right steps.
You’ve been together for two months and he’s telling you, you need his permission to see a medical professional? You don’t see how controlling and unreasonable that is?
Get into therapy fast and rid of boyfriend eaqually fast. He is doing you no good. You should feel supported not stressed out.
Just cut him loose, he’s not worth it.
You don’t need his permission to get a therapist. It has nothing to do with him, but you gave him the courtesy of telling him.
Are you sure it was your behaviour that was the issue previously or did he make you feel like it was your behaviour? He could be manipulating you. And if you get therapy the therapist will tell you that you’re being manipulated and then he will be caught… Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want you to have therapy! Because he knows!
He is worried, that you will grow stronger in yourself, but mainly that as you unpack things with your therapist you will start to realise that he is not good for you. He knows this, he doesn’t want you to realise.
A massive red flag controlling behaviour.