I’ve been seeing my (25/M) girlfriend, Megan (24/F) for 12 weeks now. 6 weeks of officially having the label. And we are in a friend group that became close about 6-7 months ago.
Megan was always a shy person and a little anxious. She’s never had a boyfriend. I’ve been trying to be patient with her but up until this point I have been initiating 100% of physical contact. Literally 100%. We have not had sex yet either.
2-3 weeks ago I asked her “ I was wondering, do you like physical affection? I was never sure if you do like when I grab your hand and stuff. Or if I was over doing it. “ she said she liked physical affection and that I was not over doing it. I was hoping after this convo she would pick it up a little. And it basically hasn’t. And I’m starting to get frustrated because I love physical affection (which I’ve told her 2-3 times) and it just feels like there’s hardly any “romance” in the air.
There’s only been one time she’s shown she truly wanted physical contact from me and that’s when she was really drunk at a bar with our friends like two months ago. She asked why I hadn’t kissed her yet, wanted me to give her a leg massage and jumped on my back to carry her to the next bar. Which I loved doing.
I don’t expect, nor want, over the top physical affection. I just want her to grab my hand here and there, put her hand on my back or just do the bare minimum with physical affection. I’ve been with a few girls and I’ve never had this issue.
I know everyone will say talk to her, but at the same time I want it so badly to happen naturally because I don’t want her to feel like she has to or that it’s a requirement. I want her to desire me. If I didn’t initiate anything then every time we see each other it would just be a quick kiss hello and goodbye followed by a quick hug and that would be it, nothing else.
I’m not sure if I’m just being impatient, but I just feel like after 12 weeks, if she isn’t showing even the bare minimum of physical affection, something has to be up. Everything else besides affection has been good. How can I proceed with her without making her feel like she HAS TO show physical affection and to find out if she even wants to show me physical affection? I’m tempted to just stop touching her and seeing if she even notices.
TL;DR: my (25/M) girlfriend (24/F) of 3 months doesn’t initiate any form of physical contact and it’s starting to get to me. How can I proceed to change things around (if that’s possible)?
Comments
You can either talk to her about it or you can wait around and hope something happens.
Talk to her. She’s not a mindreader. She’s shy and has never had a boyfriend before, and women are often shamed for expressing any sort of physical desire. Just ask her to initiate physical contact more. If the answer is no, or if it’s yes but nothing actually changes, then maybe you two aren’t going to be compatible, and that’s alright. Better to know relatively early so you don’t waste more of each other’s time.
It doesn’t seem like you’ve communicated it clear enough. She can’t read your mind.
Tell her that she not initiating physical contact makes you feel unloved, and ask if it is something she is willing to try initiate more
>I don’t want her to feel like she has to or that it’s a requirement.
But it is a requirement? If it wasn’t you wouldn’t be here. You would just be dealing with this on your own.
You’re not being honest with her. You’re not being honest with yourself.
Your resistance to having an honest, direct conversation about this problem is leading you to this:
>I’m tempted to just stop touching her and seeing if she even notices.
Which I guess is some sort of punishment? Some sort of test? Whatever it is or whatever its motivations may be, it’s toxic af.
Just have the conversation. You’ve spent 12 weeks wishing and hoping for her to read your mind and give you the physical attention you need to make this relationship work. What makes you think that continuing down this path will make the next 12 weeks any more fruitful?
No, it won’t be a fun conversation. But it’ll lead to either a) more favorable behaviors on her part or b) a confirmation that this relationship is doomed. And as bad as “b” sounds there, at least it means that neither of you will be wasting another 3 months on something that isn’t a good fit for either of you.
Okay, I (37F) am in a similar situation except my boyfriend (37M) is the one who loves physical touch and I’m the shy one who is anxious (I am a woman). This is my experience of it:
I know he wants more non-sexual physical contact. I have the urge and the desire to do it. But I’m blocked; I think from my own past experiences? I’m not totally sure. I’ve been teased in the past by my ex, for being the one to “put the moves” on him. He made fun of the face I was making when I kissed him for the first time and would often make the face at me to mock me. I am insecure about my “game”; I never had to have any. I don’t know how to kiss someone’s neck; I don’t know how to initiate sex in a fun, casual way. I never had to before.
I love and desire my boyfriend a lot. I am still crushing on him and looking at him in the eyes makes me shy. (Together for 8 months now) It doesn’t have to do with my desire for him. But my fear is over riding my desire to touch him. Fear of looking foolish. Unknown fears too.
If he were to speak words to me, that he wants more- I would take it as criticism and become upset. Unless he was able to frame it in a way like “I really enjoy your touch; I know you’re shy and want to touch me. I really love it when you do” or similar words with gestures.
I think the key here is ANY TIME she shows ANY KIND of physical touch, you positively reinforce that. Every time.
My plan is to start doing those touches that I have urges for, and see what happens.