I (25f) am currently in Europe on a holiday with my sister (27m) and my bf (30m) sent me a picture of himself tonight and I noticed some self harm cuts on his arm. Of course I asked him about it and when he did it, due to the time difference of 7 hours it was extremely late there and he asked if we could talk about it in the morning. I said that was ok but we will be talking about it.
For a bit of context on us we live together and have pretty much since we started dating last year. (Not ideal on a lot of people’s opinion but that’s not why I’m here). We have a great relationship I’ve never felt more respected by a s/o.
My issue is, I’m in Europe and he is an 18 hour flight(s) away from me. I don’t know how I should help him or what to say to him, to make it a safe safe for him to talk if he wants to and also to not make him feel like he can’t come to me for help in the future.
I have noticed scars on his arms before they looked not very old so I had asked him about them and he told me they were from before we dated (I don’t believe this but didn’t want to push him more if he wasn’t comfortable to talk about it I didn’t want to make it worse). He promised he would talk to me if he felt like that again. But here we are, and one of the first things he did was promise he wouldn’t do it again. Obviously I have a hard time believing this now.
He has been feeling really lonely recently since I left. He’s been struggling with work, he can’t seem to find a job that treats him like a human being or shows any sort of care for their employees so he’s currently unemployed. He hasn’t seen his friends in a couple months, yesterday I suggested he go see his best friend and he essentially told me he didn’t want to.
I’m not sure what the right thing to say to him is. I told him I felt sad for him and I didn’t know how exactly to deal with it from Europe. Which probably wasn’t exactly the right thing to say but I was internally freaking out. He means so much to me and it breaks my heart to know he’s at such a low point. He is so kind and caring to me he’s done nothing but support me when I have needed it.
All I want to do is get on a plane and go home to be with him but I also have at least 6 more weeks of this Europe holiday planned and most of it booked. And I also don’t see myself returning to Europe in the next 10 years so I was trying to make the most of it while I’m here. Now I feel really torn..
I also don’t feel like my sister would understand if I told her. So I said he has done some self sabotaging and that I am upset and feel really sad for him. Because I found out right before we left for dinner so I was trying to hold in tears the entire 15 minute walk to dinner. Half the reason I’m posting on here probably.. Because I don’t know who to talk to.
Please give me any advice.
Also just a side note, I have cut in the past but not for about 9 years now. So I can understand it to an extent.
TLDR; I am on the other side of the world and my bf is cutting/self harming. What would you say to help your s/o in this situation without making them feel worse?
Comments
Just try your best to work with him and the time zones and have FaceTime calls, let him see you and vice versa. You probably make his day by speaking to him, or even texting.
Also you need to enjoy your trip! So try not to let his situation dampen your spirit, as much as you love and care for him, he is a grown man.
Do you know any of his friends/family? Maybe you could speak to them about your concerns
I don’t have advice really other than to say I hope you also take care of yourself as you navigate this situation , I wish for healing and recovery to you both
wow this is a lot! honestly there’s probably nothing you can say or do that can help him. he probably loves you and cares about you but this is a personal thing for him. when you’re depressed and lonely no words can help the habit of self-harming. if he wants to talk about it definitely be there for him and be judgement free. just cause he “promised” he wouldn’t do it again, that’s just not how it works. and you’re making it seem like him self-harming is doing something bad to you. if he’s depressed it’s even worse that he is having to keep it to himself to not disappoint you and he probably feels guilty for breaking the promise. he would probably feel more comfy coming to you about it if you didn’t make him promise to stop.
if he doesn’t wanna talk about it then you should probably respect that since it’s a personal thing. he can love you and your relationship and still feel the need to self-harm due to his own personal stuff. it’s best you don’t make it about you !
Since you also self-harmed, you know that no one can make you stop. Do not end your trip, do not spend hours on facetime. Suggest he make a crisis plan to use if it escalates — it sounds like he is not in mental health treatment, but he may need to go to a doctor or emergency room.