I had my baby about a year and a week again and I’m still haunted by the fact that I felt so alone and abandoned by my bestfriend and boyfriend. To start, when I found out I was pregnant I was shocked because I was on birth control and it wasn’t planned. I barely knew my now bf we had been seeing for about 2-3 months. I didn’t want my child at first I had plans and was scared. My bestfriend said she felt I’d regret it if I didn’t keep the baby and that she would be there for me every step of the way. My bf and I fought majority of the pregnancy on how we wanted to raise her and I felt very much trapped and uncomfortable. My bestfriend made a promise that regardless of him she would be there for me. She said she would come over and make me meals and watch the baby so I could shower. None of that happened. She came twice. Her excuse was she was tired from working her jobs, she had a job she worked Mondays as a bar tender and a 9-5 Monday- Friday and then a serving job she did at night 2-3 times a week. Which I understand that’s a lot. But to completely abandon me???
My baby daddy emotionally checked out for months and I was dealing with preeclampsia. He said he thought leaving me alone to rest in the room all day was the right thing to do? Smh he also said he was working all the time and he didn’t have time to wake up and feed her and he didn’t have time for diapers. So literally everything fell on me. We had a bad hurricane around 3 months postpartum and my bestfriend had lost everything she had and came to live with me, soon after our lease was up we moved in together. But things got worse, I was still dealing with high blood pressure and advised not to work by doctors so I was at home and since “I wasn’t working” I was in charge of cleaning everything. The littler the dishes etc. the dishes we always piled up to the top by both of them. The litter was so dirty, I had 1 cat and my bestfriend had 2 and a dog. I was cleaning after them and my baby. I barely showered or got a moment and I fell into depression. My postpartum rage and anxiety kicked in and had melt down after melt down. Instead of helping they looked at me like I was crazy. They helped for alittle once my therapist got involved and then it stopped ofc. I soon went back to work around 6 months postpartum and set a clear boundary I no longer was a house slave or maid. My bestfriend at the time was saving for a trip to Europe and was working none stop. Because my child’s father and I were both working we were trying to piggy back off of each other’s schedules. And we needed extra help, we got as much help as we could from his family which was once or twice a week. We’re on the waiting list for day care through the state as regular day care is so expensive and unfortunately unaffordable. Any time I complained or cried because I wasn’t able to work and make money (I’m a server so for those who know tips are my income) she would say we’ll figure it out together but never offered to help watch the baby. Any shifts I gave up ( because we worked together) she would take them (money for Europe is her top priority) she never took the time to check in on me or offer to help watch the baby while I work. She made comments and jokes to people that our friendship is suffering because I’m always angry at her because shes not being “baby daddy number 2” which I find very insulting after you promised multiple times we’re in this together and you would help. I found a face book post one day of her with my child saying she would take babysitting jobs…. I have never been so mad before in my life. To offer other mothers babysitting service and advertise it with a photo of my child the one who currently needed that is INSANE… or am I wrong ???
When I had an open honest conversation her I felt gaslit because she ended up turning it on me saying I chose to have a baby around a time when she made promises she couldn’t keep. She’s dealing with her own personal issues and it’s a lot for her. My bf isn’t any better I feel he could help so much more then he does and I carry all the emotional weight he acts as if nothing is wrong and I’m being a cry baby and I need to calm down. I think he’s trying to be better but I’m so hurt at this point I wake up angry all the time. The thing is they both point fingers at each other for why I’m so hurt and angry and they never look at themselves. My bestfriend blames my bf for not stepping up and being the man I needed and she’s not wrong. My bf feels she’s using me to take care of all the house chores so she can constantly travel and go out and about and gaslights me when I ask for help. And he’s not wrong I feel that way about her sometimes. I’m so lost I go back and forth on forgiving them and having compassion and then I wake up angry all over again and it’s like the type of angry that makes you unable to focus on anything.
Comments
Having a baby with someone you barely know is a crapshoot. I am sorry you’re having difficulty, but your friend is right–she is not the baby’s third parent.
Just curious, where is your family? You’re just better off living alone cut contact with your friend and just co parent. Not worth this headache.
Your friend made promises she couldn’t keep, but ultimately it’s your baby and she isn’t required to step up as a care giver. I’m sorry she over embellished what her role in your lives would be.
No time to read full post but just to say, being a mum is hard work and I hope you get some support from somewhere. You can’t force specific people to give you support sadly and it will eat you up wishing it was different. Join online groups, seek out mum and baby groups irl, be the support to other people that you’d like to receive (try not to expect to get it in return but hopefully you will!)
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Full custody to the boyfriend and move back to California with your family.
You’re not in a relationship. You’re in a relationship that’s falling apart and driving every member away.
You don’t even need to think about long term relationship dynamics, right now. You need to go find a safe place to take care of your kid for a few months and try to recenter and regain normalcy. Can your family help you for a while? The rest can be handled once you’re in a better place and there’s no immediate crisis.
I’m sorry your friend has let you down but as others have said. Ultimately this baby is not her responsibility. It feels as though most of your anger is being aimed at your friend when actually your boyfriend as the babies father should take the most, if not all of your anger.
I think you have some decisions to make. Perhaps move back to your family for support.