TLDR: My boyfriend has seen me for a total of 5 hours since I had surgery last month. He basically disappeared and hasn’t offered me any support through recovery. Not sure if I should end the relationship over this.
For context, we have been dating for about a year and a half now and we do not live together.
Anyways about 2.5 months ago, I had a hip injury come up out of nowhere. I wasn’t sure what it was at first but was feeling pretty down about it because I am someone who is extremely active. My hobbies almost exclusively consist of being active. I was met with a “suck it up” and “you’re fine” from my boyfriend (I made a previous post in this subreddit regarding that situation). After multiple appointments, it turned out to be a stress fracture. I was in a lot of pain and honestly at the time, it felt like the end of the world to me. I had just lost my sense of independence and all my hobbies for the next 6 weeks minimum. After hearing the news, a few days later boyfriend consistently expressed how my negativity around it was affecting him and barely offered any support. I had to navigate the entire process alone, x-rays, doctor’s appointments, etc with the support of my Mom and Dad. Although I did not ask him to be there, I didn’t think I had to since I would’ve been there for him in a second.
After some more doctor’s appointments, I was advised to get surgery and was booked in for it the next day. This was a super scary and overwhelming piece of news to receive. My boyfriend offered to take the day off work and offered to come see me after surgery, I declined as I had already navigated the entire process alone and did not feel like he wanted to help anyways. I am not holding him to the fact that he didn’t come with me/see me afterwards. However, I am holding him to the fact that in the past month he has only seen me a total of 5 hours. He has come over to my place one day a week for a maximum of 1.5-2 hours. Mostly he complained about how tired he was from work and how much he has to do. He never brought me flowers, never brought me dinner, never even called. However, there’s a part of me that isn’t sure if I should have asked him to do those things and if I even have a right to be upset at him for not showing up for me when I needed him. I think it’s common sense to show up for someone, especially your significant other, right after a major surgery. I’m just feeling so disappointed in him right now. It worries me that if this was something more serious, if he would even be capable of handling it. He disappeared (literally) when things got complicated. I am not so sure I could rely on him if things were worse.
My family has taken care of me this entire recovery process and supported me the entire time. He knows this. I’m not sure if he just didn’t show up because he knew my family would handle it. It’s almost like he didn’t want to show up and knew that he didn’t have to. I’m just all over the place at the moment. I would appreciate some insight and thoughts on the situation. Is this grounds to end the relationship?
Comments
>>Is this grounds to end the relationship?
Hell. Yes.
How is your recovery going?
He’s showing you who he is, how he values you and how he handles illness and stress. If you want someone who will be supportive of you in these situations, you are learning that it isn’t him. You shouldn’t have to beg for basic decency. You’re setting the bar way too low.
A similar thing happened to me in high school, I got in a car accident (was a passenger) and it really affected me and he was just making jokes about it and just not giving me what I needed even after talking to him about it several times and I ended it.
Listen when people show you who they are and how they value you. Or at least, don’t be surprised when this isn’t the last time they treat you the same way.
What a wonderful opportunity to see how your boyfriend behaves “in sickness.”
This doesn’t seem like “a partner.” You seem like an inconvenience to him; no warmth or kindness or compassion during the process. Not the kind of partner I want to build a life with, personally. I’d be glad he showed you now before you get any more serious.
Yes, you have every right to feel upset and let down by him not showing up for you. I’d absolutely be moving on. Life is going to throw you both more curve balls; it’s good to see how people show up when things get tough.
You absolutely dump him. Him telling you to “suck it up” was the first sign you should dump him. He clearly lacks empathy and that’s the most important trait in a partner. Do not stay with a man like this. Times like these (when you’re vulnerable) is when you see people’s true colours.
You should’ve ended it 2.5 months ago when he was an absolute ass about your injury. You deserve someone who’ll support you in good times and bad and this guy ain’t it.
|After hearing the news, a few days later boyfriend consistently expressed how my negativity around it was affecting him and barely offered any support. |
This is all you need to understand. He made your health issue about him. It’s time to move on.
If your goal with dating is to have a long term partner, he is not it for you. Complaining about your negativity when you are injured is fucking horrible. He failed this trial in your life miserably. And while there is a lot of joy in life, practically speaking there is a lot of struggle too. If you choose to have kids, that is a difficult transition. If you get ill in some other way it may be bigger and scarier and need more support. This guy doesnt sound like he is with you for anything other than the good times. After the amount of time you have been together you shouldn’t have to ask for basic human decency level of support. Him spending less time with you is the opposite of that.
Cut your losses.
Totally is. But it is ALSO grounds for a serious discussion- you deserve to tell him how he failed you, how he made you feel alone and abandoned, and that you deserve better.
You start saying that you had to navigate the entire process alone but you didn’t – you had your mom and dad. If you needed your parents help to figure things out – why would a 25 year old man be able to figure out what you couldn’t.
Also: “My boyfriend offered to take the day off work and offered to come see me after surgery, I declined as I had already navigated the entire process alone and did not feel like he wanted to help anyways”
So he offered to take the day off work and be there for your surgery? And you told him no. You need to reflect on your role on this. Accept his offer if you want him there because you saying NO probably sent the message that you didn’t want or need him around that much.
In sickness and in health is in wedding vows for a reason this ain’t your future husband
He sounds like a fairweather boyfriend. He’s happy to see you when everything’s going well, and when you hit a difficult situation he disappears. Most people are looking for a partner that will see them through thick and then, pretty much every version of marriage vows includes some version of ‘…in good times and bad times, in good health and poor health . . .’, you get the idea. This seems like a relatively minor setback, I can’t imagine he would be there for you in a more serious crisis.
My boyfriend made time to show up for me after surgery, and his house had just burned down.
This guy is a poor excuse for a partner.