my boyfriend and i have been dating for 7 months and i got into a bad habit of occasionally snooping through his phone because i always felt like he would tell me white lies to spare my feelings or would leave out details during conversations about certain topics. i never did it in my past relationship but now i regret ever starting this in the first place.
i went through his texts recently and saw that he was telling one of his girl friends (one he’s hooked up with before and texts occasionally) that he wishes i had more hobbies and wasn’t so emotionally dependent on him. in my defense, i had come out of a traumatizing internship, was waiting for my summer class to start, and was also staying at his place nearly full-time due to his fear of living alone. as the relationship started to settle out of the honeymoon phase, we started to disagree on a lot of things and noticed a difference in communication style. around this time was also when i started talk therapy and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. a lot of the fighting had us severely burnt out and i wasn’t able to focus on the interests i normally had (i.e., podcasts, youtube, makeup, nails, reading, tv shows, stationery) just based on how much mental energy i was putting into the relationship and trying to make things work.
reading what this girl said about me, that i’m a weirdo for bedrotting, that im not that attractive, that i have zero hobbies, that im a boring person, in addition to my boyfriend telling her he wished i shared some of his hobbies really hurt me. i felt like that entire conversation was not even true to who i am as a person. i really dont know whether this is something i should bring up to him because i basically have to admit i was snooping through his phone (he’s told me he knows ive looked through his ig dms before). i feel so bad for violating his trust since he is a very private person but at the same time im so hurt by the things he allowed this girl to say about me. i feel like i would resent him if i kept this to myself but i feel like he would not trust me anymore if i told him how i found this out. any suggestions on how to move forward with this?
TLDR: i looked through my boyfriend’s phone and saw his girl friend talking shit about me
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Do you really want to continue a relationship with this guy?
7 months in he is friends with his hookup and is already complaining to you allowing her too say horrible things to you. It’s really not worth this. Relationship is already toxic he will only get worse
Given that you commented that you want to continue this relationship, I suggest you get your shit together and focus on building the positive instead of fighting with this guy.
Shift your energy back towards your hobbies and goals, get out of the house more on your own, and try to find activities that you can do in common with him.
Your boyfriend expressed a desire that you do more things together. So, why not try to do this? Try some of the activities he likes, and find some new ones to try together.
Work on your own communication style. You can’t change his, but you can lead by example. Read some books on how to do it right (I like the Gottmans stuff). You are young, this relationship is a place for learning and growth, even if it doesn’t work out.